I don’t know… I think if she sees you are drinking designer coffee on several ocaisions and then you try to tell her you are extremely frugal she may not believe it. I also think that trying to decide if she is an asset or a liabity is just wrong, you have no more idea about her than you think she is cute. How do you view a relationship based on assets and liabilities. She may think that guys who throw away money on Cookie whtchamacallits are idiots.
The rest of you folks may think this guy is sincere but I think he needs to go back to his parent’s basement and not inflict his version of “extreme frugality” nor his misogynist views on the rest of the population.
I’m always interested in what a woman means by drive and ambition in a man. Being a cold-eyed backstabber is too much, obviously; being a directionless sponge-artist is too little. But is there a point where you say, “I’d feel better about if him if he put his work ahead of me a little more often than he puts me ahead of his work”? Do you need a hint of that cold eye now and then to really feel a man is a man?
I don’t need the man to put anything before me. Where the line gets drawn is that he needs to put work before watching sports on TV, listening to heavy metal in a darkened room all day, drinking with his buddies, mastering every video game on the planet, or other unwholesome distractions. Me first, then work, then fun. Kids, parents, God can be in there somewhere, too, as applicable.
We went for long bike rides.
We picnicked in weird places.
We biked to the local swimming hole and spent hours swimming and talking.
We attended free lectures and free or cheap movies at the local college.
He talked me into climbing a corn silo for the view-it was great by the way.
We bought a cheap bottle of wine and sat in a tree at the local park.
We went to old graveyards and made up stories about the people buried there.
We raided an apple orchard after dark.
We went to gallery openings for local artists.
We went camping and hiking at the state park.
We went to music venues that were free or charged a pittance as a cover.
He was also a very good cook and often had me over for (primarily) vegetarian dinners.
He also did in really thoughtful things for me that cost very little money.
He left loaves of fresh baked bread on my doorstep.
He would come over and help me clean up my apartment because I had so little time and frankly, I was a slob back then.
He did my laundry on more than one occasion.
He made tapes of his favorite bands to share with me.
The time and effort he put into 1) thinking up things for us to do and 2) his total thoughtfulness meant a whole lot more to me than an expensive night out on the town.
And if things work out, well sex is great entertainment and free as well.
Ooops.
Meant to start my post with the following paragraph:
When I met my (future) spouse, we were both starving students with part time jobs.
Money was never an issue-mainly because he had such creative suggestions for ‘dates’.
Admittedly, these ideas may not work in L.A. but hopefully they’ll spark your imagination.
Seems to me that those can all work just fine in LA. Granted, I spend almost 0 time in LA, but basically figuring it’s a slightly bigger San Diego (by a couple million Californians, granted, but San Diego is a solid #2 in CA and #8 in the nation to LA’s #2) with lots of starving students and lots of starving artists/actors/screenwriters/what-have-you there should be tons and tons of things for poor people to do. Rigamarole, if you’re really starved for ideas, call the music, art, theatre or film department at your nearest community college or university. Any teacher, student, or employee there can probably tell you about all kinds of events geared towards college-aged people who can hardly afford a movie ticket, like you, me and your sweet little thing. Or ask hip friends(/classmates if you go to school). If push comes to shove, go into a hip second-hand clothing store frequented by young and poor people, like Buffalo Exchange (you guys must have at least five of them up there), buy a cheap T-shirt or something, head to the dressing rooms, try it on and ask the girl (it’s always a cute girl IME) sorting clothes out by the dressing rooms how it looks. Start a conversation with her and ask her if she’s heard of any cool concerts, shows, etc. coming up. Every time I go into Buffalo Exchange I end up inadvertently having a conversation with the employees about the latest cool free/cheap events going down.
I’m surprised that nobody has said this yet, but this woman may not be interested in you at all. From your story, it sounds like you have had one meaningful encounter: she served you coffee, gave you some extra cookies and made small talk. It’s her job to be friendly to you, as her customer. Smiling and occasional small talk are common behavior with regular customers. Don’t read too much into it.
Has she ever come over to your job just to see you? Have you talked so much at the bookstore since that she’s gotten in trouble for slacking on the job? Has she said anything indicating that she’d like to spend time with you outside of the bookstore? She likely is not treating you any differently than she treats any other bookstore regular.
It is of course possible that she is interested. People have to meet somehow. By all means, ask her out, but be prepared to take it like a gentleman if she turns you down.
Ask her out. Get to know her. Picnics can be very romantic, and it doesn’t cost much to go for a walk in a park or window shop downtown.
Now, if you take her out for the one nice dinner you’ve saved months for and she orders the most expensive thing on the menu, dump her.
Ivylad did that to a girl before I met him. The girl knew he wasn’t rolling in it, and proceeded to order the filet mignon and lobster combo with an appetizer. Ivylad excused himself to the restroom, then got in his truck and left her at the restaurant.
An asset brings in money, and a liability removes money. Unless your thinking of pimping her out, she’s a liability.
Now onto should you date her. Hell yes! You’ll die a virgin if you wait until you have things. Your goals for completion will go up and your looks will go down. Strike while the iron’s hot, and you’ve still got it.
Thank you to everyone for sharing your view (and many) for your encouragement.
I saw her again today. I asked her if she has seen Pirates 2, and if she would like to go with me (I’ve seen it, but I really want to see it again. And that’s a rare one for me to see a movie in the theaters twice - hooray for Pirates!). She informed me she has tentative plans to see it with her brother and some friends this coming week but I got a receptive vibe from her (she said to find her closer to that day and we may be able to work it out) and when I asked her if any of those friends were boyfriends I got an emphatic “no”. So there’s a possibility. I’ll definitley let y’all know if anything comes of it.
(By the way, adhemer, it’s an interesting point you make about me spending on the designer coffee. Because that’s practically the one indulgence I allow myself, and it also happens to be the way I met this girl. Fitting.)
I met my wife in the army when we were in Korea. We were both lower enlisted and poor, like so many other soldiers. It worked, though. Like others said, some girls are looking to see what they can squeeze out of you, and some girls are living saints. Most are somewhere in the middle.
Now far be it from me to make an absolute judgement only from part of an OP, but in my eyes, it sure doesn’t sound like she’s a bloodsucker. She seems caring, witty, and intelligent.
As far as the actual question of the OP, I happen to think that the absolute hands-down best thing in life a good man can have is the love of a good woman. I know it sounds cliched, but I believe that if you look at 99.999% of successful men in the world, behind them you will find a loving, caring, patient woman. It’s certainly true in my case. To the extent I’m where I am now, it’s pretty much due to Mrs. Fresh.
So, hell yeah, go for it! If it doesn’t work out, it doesn’t work out, but if it does work out, you might make each other great someday.
