So I had a friend over for dinner last night. The subject comes up of this lady at work. She’s a delivery gal’. Every time she comes in; she makes it a point of chatting my friend up.
According to my friend; she almost always makes it a point of saying that she’s single. (I don’t know the girl; personally, but boy! is she a looker!)
We were debating what would be the best way for him to ask this girl out. There’s a problem tho’. He is only able to spend about $30 a week on “fun” stuff. That’s it. The rest go towards bills.
The Bright side to all this is this is just a temporary situation. The reason why he is so broke is because he had a nasty divorce a few years ago and is paying off some sort of huge settlement. I don’t know the exact details but in any case, he’ll be over the hump in another year or so, with more freedom to do fun things in life.
So what’s the best way to approach a Lady?
Hey look, I’m basically broke,but I’d love to date you anyway?
To be honest, I really don’t care if my friend hooks up with this girl or not. It’s an intresting dynamic. I’m more intrested in what women think of a situation like this.
When you go out for a first date you want to put your best foot forward. Asking her to go Dutch on the first date, the date you asked her on, is not a great way to make a positive impression. If she offers to pay for half of it that’s super, but, even then, I’d just foot the bill anyway. If money is that much of an issue then perhaps another activity that is less taxing on the old pocketbook is in order.
I would never assume that I was being paid for (tbh, I wouldn’t want to be unless I knew we were going to do it again and I could pay for the next one), but if your friend’s worried, why not go to a classy bar or cafe?
I know a girl whose date suggested they go for a meal and then asked her if she could pay for all of it, and didn’t even donate a couple of coins for the tip. She didn’t write him off!
Any smart girl brings money to a date, but there’s not really any classy way to suggest she pays her way. Talking money while asking someone out is like talking salery while on a job interview. It doesn’t leave a good impression.
I paid for both me and my blind date once, when his bank card didn’t work at the movie theater. It wasn’t the reason I consider it the worst date I’d ever had, but it wasn’t in his favor. I might get a bit of flack for this, but I tend to think that the guy pays for the first date (unless the girl asked) and after that it’s fair game.
Your friend needs to gain some more creativity. The whole dinner and a movie thing is scripted and old. There are tons of free stuff to do no matter where you live. It could be hiking or a bike ride to a cool place. He could learn to make one excellent dish at home and show that off for a lot less than $30. If she really wants to spend time with him, then the money won’t matter and a creative date beats the hell out of the typical date any day.
You could try something along the lines of “Hey, want to have a picnic? I’ll bring the chicken (hotdogs, tofudogs, hamburgers, veggieburgers, whatever) and you bring the chips?” That would establish a “fair trade” thing, and still not come off as “I’m poor and need you to pay your own way”. Most people I’ve known like bringing stuff to picnics/potlucks/home meals, and appreciate being asked. Picnics can also be very short or very long, generally take place outdoors (which can improve your chances of being chemically compatible), and have a low reciprocal-obligation feel. (By reciprocal obligation, I mean that some people think that if you took the lady out for drinks/movie/dinner/whatever, she has the obligation to kiss you goodbye/do something intimate. This varies by individual, society, and perceived commitment level.) By creating a picnic environment, you can also inject a “group” to the outing as required, including pets, friends, or someone or something else that enhances comfort level.
Yeah, you can ask a girl out “Dutch,” but only when you’ve gotten to the point you’re comfortable talking about finances to that extent. The very first time you go out, not really knowing each other beyond chatting at work, isn’t really the time for it. It’s better, imo, to ask her to something that’s lower-cost and lower time commitment the first time around. A cup of coffee (not at a place like Starbucks, but at a diner someplace) or something like that. Or one of my favorite low-cost dates has always been taking a Happy Meal to the park and eating on the swings.
I would be more comfortable with a first date where we each pay for our own meal/drink, because I think this takes off the pressure for romance or sex. If I think of something as less of a date per se and just a way to get together with a new person and get to know them, I’ll feel more comfortable.
Why doesn’t your friend skip doing “fun stuff” one week - so then he’ll have $60 the next week?
I’ve never understood the “fun stuff” budget. When I was hardcore saving money, I never did anything fun, ever. I worked all day and stayed in all night saving money. I survived just fine. You don’t owe it to yourself to have to spend money on frivolities each month or week. You owe it to yourself to get out of debt.
Yeah, I think the others are right. His options are either to save up for a few weeks so he has enough money to pay for them both or try to think of a date idea he can afford.
Back when I was single I used to offer to pay on first dates, but it made a nicer impression on me when the guy insisted on paying. If you are trying to impress her, it makes more sense to pay for her.
Well, asking someone out Dutch is better than offering to pay then welching on the deal. If that happened to me, i’d feel totally gypped. That’s no better than being an Indian giver if you ask me.
I’ve heard that it’s never a good idea to spend a lot on a first date, for precisely this reason—it can lead to pressure or a feeling of obligation—as well as because of the precedent it sets.
That depends on how much you value getting “over the hump” as soon as possible vs. making your life more bearable in the meantime. As long as you’re not digging yourself deeper into debt with your “fun stuff,” or neglecting any obligations, it’s a matter of personal preference, where everyone has to find their own balance.
I agree with most people here, there doesn’t seem to be a good way to ask if you could go Dutch on the first date. It would be better to do something cheap or free for the first date or two- like go to a coffee shop, an art gallery, or on a walk through a nice park or something like that. Then for the second or third date ask if she wouldn’t mind going Dutch.
A general rule of etiquette for EVERYONE is that if you invite someone to do something, the person doing the inviting does the paying. If someone asked me out on an obvious date-date to something out of his budget and then expected me to pay my portion, I would think it a little odd. Having said that, when I guy asks me out, I’m always prepared to pay my own way. And, there have been plenty of times when I’ve met up with someone semi-spontaneously and had a few drinks and paid for my own and not minded. I think it just depends on how formal the set-up and the venue is.
The best course, as others have suggested, would be to simply ask her to do something low-key and cheap. Lunch, Saturday coffee, etc. (I would avoid “drinks” because that can lead to an expectation of “dinner” if things are going well.) Or, go to the movies – two tix to an afternoon matinee and drink and popcorn would be in that budget. Or … there are always free or very-low-cost things to do - crafts fairs, concerts in the park, museums, flea markets, etc. etc. etc.
P.S. Do NOT ask her to “dinner” and then pull into McD’s or some other cheap chain fast/fast-casual restaurant. Better you just do coffee than do that. If you want a cheap meal, look for authentic regional/ethnic – where I live that would be barbecue, hot chicken, or Mexican / Thai / etc.
He can spend $30 a week, right? And let’s say a decent-but-not-crazy dinner would run you about $50 for a couple? (Around here that’s a bit on the high side). So here’s my plan for him:
Week 1: Spend $10 to download a computer game from Steam and that’s your fun stuff for the week.
Week 2: “Hey, cute girl, wanna go out?” Be ready to spend up to $50 on dinner.
Week 3: If you spent more than $50 on dinner, don’t spend as much this week.
