I’m from Spain, and for me the usual thing is “dutch.” I got quite pissed off a couple times at Americans who did crap like not eat anything because they’d suddenly realized they hadn’t brought enough money (to me that’s both macho crap and stupid - you don’t want me to pay, fine, but refusing a ten dollar loan… that directly told me those guys and me weren’t compatible).
To me “wanna go see a movie” isn’t an invitation in the sense that “wanna come to my house for dinner” is an invitation. The first one is… ehm… a proposal! That’s the word.
A loan is a great way to better align one’s consumption with one’s income. So, your friend could rack up some credit card debt wooing this lady and then pay it off once the divorce settlement monkey is off his back.
If someone’s struggling to climb out of a big financial hole, the first thing i generally encourage them to do is take on more debt, at an interest rate of 15-30 percent per year.
I really think this is the best idea. Though honestly, two coffees and pastries could set you back $30+ at Starbucks. As others have said, there’s no polite way to ask someone out on an actual date and tell them, beforehand or towards the end of the night, ‘Oh yeah, you’re going to have to cover your end.’ (ETA Um… pun unintended.)
The only other sort of possibility I can see is saying something like ‘A bunch of friends and I are going to [this event / movie / bar], you should come by.’ Then he can get away with buying her a drink, and she’ll probably buy one back. Might only work if he’s 20-something, though and has a quality group of friends.
Cheap date idea: Are there any towns in your area that have free summer concerts or vintage car shows or whatever in the downtown area? Every Tuesday during the summer, my son and I get an Italian ice and go watch the bands. That would make a good cheap date, too.
Or if he wants to go Pennsylvania Dutch, he could take her to a barn raising.
Here’s the solution: Get him to get the babe into a conversation. Say something like “I’d like to take you out, but I’m broke, big time. I’m stuck in this mess for about another year. If you can think of something cheap, let’s do it!” Something like that, where she knows up front that he’s broke, and that it would only be a temporary arrangement. This works two ways: If she likes him, she’ll come up with a plan, or even pony up some bucks. Also, he’s not going to cry if she doesn’t accept, because he can’t squire her about in style as he normally would, and he can always turn it around and say that he used the broke excuse to scare her off if she looks aghast when he mentioned taking her out. Win-win!
I’m all for creative dates, but inviting someone to your home for a first date is a bad idea for fairly obvious reasons, I think.
This. Way this. It just doesn’t come off well when you ask someone on a date and then ask them to pay for half. I don’t think it’s even a matter of gender so much as it is a matter of hospitality.
Lots of great suggestions…as a female, I would admire honesty, personally. Just an admission that funds are low and either going “dutch” or doing free/cheap stuff. (usually as much or more fun…just went downtown to see fireworks last night with my kids…cost us train fair and we had a blast…could have easily been a great date:D)
On one of my first dates with my husband of 23 yrs, I offered to pay my way and he was offended…but hell, he was a college student, living at home, and I was new to dating and I didn’t mean anything by it other than, hey, I can chip in.
He insisted on paying…ok, then. But it would not have bothered me at all to pay my own way.
I gather some women feel differently, but I am more interested in the man and the time together than the money issue. And to be perfectly honest, women who make a big deal out of being “paid for” and having a man “support” them, get on my last nerve. :rolleyes:
In short, any such arrangement HAS to be upfront and from the get-go, not assumed. He should either pawn his most precious items and pay her way OR be honest and say, “I want to take you out but am pretty broke…would you mind doing something cheap/free?” If she is at all interested ans at all worth his time, she will be agreeable.
I think there are quite a few good suggestions here. I don’t know her or your friend (or do I?), but you can come with something like a string date ™.
Coffee either on a Saturday, or earlier in the day and dependent on how well that goes he can then decide on cooking her dinner. (He can cook, right? If not, then this is a dreadful idea).
Now, where I live the average date for dinner and a movie is about 90 some odd dollars. That seems to be beyond his budget. But dinner and a movie is tired.
I generally avoid alcohol on a first date, even just a glass of wine. After all, isn’t a first date when we’re supposed to be on our best behavior and paying attention the most? So, he’d have to work around that, but it’s not insurmountable. There are parks, museums, perhaps an open mic night at a comedy club or something. If worse comes to worse, he can always say something “I know this dive that makes the best pasta” or some such.
Or, he can be direct and say that he’s interested in taking her on a date, but that right now he has other financial responsibilities which have to come first. At least she’s on fair notice that in the long run, he’s responsible (usually a plus), he’s upfront and honest (another plus, usually) and interested in her (a plus if she’s interested in him). The corollary is he can find out if she’s looking for a sugardaddy.
Speaking only for myself, I’d vote for suggesting some low-key activity which is free or low-cost (free concerts in the park is a good one, coffee at Starbucks is a fine one).
The fact that he is broke does not need to be mentioned in the same breath as “I’d like to get to know you better”. The fact that he is broke as a result of a nasty divorce strikes me as a warning sign. As such, it better be revealed before it becomes a huge, deal-breaking secret, but mentioning it too soon(such as during the first “will you go out with me?” conversation) might make me wonder if this guy was really over the ex and all which happened which was associated with her.
I was raised to not accept an date if I couldn’t pay my own way. And on a first date, I insist. Like others have said, you don’t want him to think you’re ‘on the hook’ at the end of the night. Also, if I’m the inviter, I pay for it all, or expect to. If he wants Dutch, cool, but it would be bad manners to invite and then ask to go Dutch. So he should ask her out for low-key, cheap/free activities until he can afford otherwise. I wouldn’t be put off at all if he mentioned that he was rather broke, or the reason for it. Everyones’ lives have bumps, even nice peoples’.
*he hoi, Ik zou het leuk vinden om iets af te spreken, maar door een tijdelijk situatie heb ik maar een beperkt buget, zou je het het leuk vinden om samen iets te doen?
What did all you people do for dates before you had jobs? How did you pay for it all then?
I think it might be culture difference really, but for me (20 yo English male), man paying for EVERYTHING either means a.) money is all he’s got going for him and he’s flashing it around, or b.) the woman’s a gold digger. I haven’t been out with a girl that expected me to pay for everything. Even when I’ve attempted to pay the full bill most have refused to let me, or handed me half as soon as the bill arrives etc.
Yes there is a way to ask people out ‘Dutch’, you just do cheap stuff where people are expected to pay their own way, like ice cream at the park, or getting drinks with friends at a bar. This can then lead to the expectation that paying your own way is the done thing.
In the US, I think you have to be a little more definite on the situation. Even though women paying their own way is gaining in common practice, it’s still socially unacceptable to just assume that someone pay their own way when you ask them out. It has to be clear.
That said, I can think of a whole weekend’s worth of stuff that can be done with $30. Say you’re in Chicago. You can catch a free concert of some sort at Millennium Park or any of the street fair celebrations. You can pack a cooler with a bottle of wine or some brewskis and lay out a blanket on the grass and get to know each other. You can do a brew ‘n’ view thing. You can go to (some) museums on the cheap. There’s always something that can be low on $$ and high on fun.
I agree, just find something cheap that he can afford for 2. Also, just speaking for myself, I’m always intrigued when a guy can think of something interesting and reasonably-priced to do on date, outside of going out a mid-range restaurant. It makes me think he has a life, and that he does interesting stuff on his own all the time. And that on later dates, it won’t be pulling teeth to get him to try some new and slightly dorky Sunday afternoon activity (art fair, hiking, random church festival, etc).
Of course I am not like every other woman out there. But if this girl is the type who needs to be treated to a nice restaurant for the first string of dates, then it’s probably not going to work anyhow, you know?