Fictional characters you could just slap the sh-t out of

Urk! Forgot all about Tess of the Durbervilles. Damn, there are so many slap-worthy characters in that book, I’m going to have to cut out the middle men, go dig up Thomas Hardy’s corpse, and smack the shit out of it.

Rebecca was the dead wife in Du Maurier’s book. We never learn the name of the protagonist. It was probably Hortense or something like that.

Oooh, I have more.

Angel from BtVS and AtS. I hate him soooo much. He was a jerk and he’s dull and I just can’t stand him.

I’m slowly warming to Xander again, but it’s a very long, slow delicate process that may not even be complete by the end of S7. He was acting like a real dick last year, he’s pretty self-centered, and he never, ever takes responsibilty for anything he does. He even blames Anya for what happened last year.

Once again, Holden Caufield.

In Alien, Lambert (Veronica Cartwright’s character AKA the female that wasn’t Ripley). A full 50% (3 of the 6) of the characters that die in that film die because she’s a simpering ninny. I can just hear the writer - “OK, how should this person die. I know, have Lambert freeze up terror yet again

Yeah, but he still had two hands and a tongue, so what was the problem?!:wink:

Um, SpoilerVirgin, that was Gregory Peck in Gentleman’s Agreement, not Cary Grant.

Sidda, from The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood. Quit whining about your goddamned mother for a second and realize just how great your life turned out.

Jonathan, from BtVS. Shoulda known better.

I would also like to slap Holden from Chasing Amy. You’re 28, for crissakes! High school was a decade ago. Let it go!

Everyone in Catch-22, with a good solid ass-beating thrown in for Arfie.

Amelie, toward the end of Amelie. Don’t get me wrong, I loved the movie, but it was time for her to either get with the guy or find a new hobby.

That bastard William Hamleigh in Ken Follett’s “Pillars of the Earth.”

Just decided to re-read that.

Forgotten how much I hate that character and wish I coud do all sorts of nasty things to him.

Melanie Daniel’s in The Birds. What a ditzy spoiled twit. The school teacher also annoys me. You’re no longer with Mitch anymore. Let it go.

Time for two vastly different additions.

  1. God of the Old Testament. He’s a crybaby jerk. Same reasoning I used for the Greek Gods.

  2. Henry Pym from early Giant-Man and the Wasp adventures. He treated Jan like crap, and actually, she’s no better for putting up with it.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Feanor from The Silmarillion! Such an arrogant nasty jerk!

Bad Noldo! No cookie!

I could have slapped Sansa Stark for the first two books of A Song of Ice and Fire, but after the last one she’s growing on me.

However, I find Lysa Arryn completely slappable, along with Lord Tywin, and Lord Frey. The last few chapters of the last book had me laughing with much satisfaction, but I think Lord Frey has worse in store for him than a few slaps about the head.

I have to second Hamlet. I hate him.
“Did you hear my monologue on the unspeaking emotional torture I’m going through yet? Don’t worry, there’s about 5 dozen that I haven’t said yet left in the play.”
And let’s not forget “Hey, I just accidently killed Claudius, father of Laertes. It’s like how my father died sans the dignity! Have you heard me go on for hours about my dead father yet? Well, let me go on some more in case you have trouble remembering.”
Your petty bullshit is the direct cause of Denmark’s downfall to Norway. Why didn’t you just kill yourself at the beginning like you were contemplated and save us this looong play about you and your tantrums?

It’s especially bad in Kenneth Branagh’s version. That narcissistic bastard puts himself as the lead in every goddamn movie he directs. An egocentric playing another egocentric. Hooray.

:smack: Isn’t there a “most embarassing thing I’ve done” post around here somewhere? I think there must be some kind of Guadere’s law corollary – the more personally significant a subject is to you, the more likely you are to mess up when posting about it. Nah, there’s no excuse. I guess I’ll just have to watch the movie another dozen times before I can remember that it’s Gregory Peck, dammit, Gregory Peck! :smack: :smack: :smack: (At least I smacked the sh*t out of someone).

They. Were. On. A. Break. Can’t blame Ross at all. Even though he’s a whiny freak-o. Slap Rachel around for being the petty, controlling, Princess.
And Holden Caulfield needs his head stuck into a vice.

I figure if Peggy Hill counts (and I agree), then I can add my pick:

Jean Teasdale.

I guess the really infuriating thing is that I know people with the same complete cause/effect disconnection. If what I’ve read in The Pit is any indication, so do you.

I guess that’s how much I hate the protagonist. A character who is DEAD can overshadow her in my memory.

Thanks for catching that.

I think I’d like to slap Ross and Rachel around a bit. Ross, for no other reason than that he never told Rachel “I overheard a man on the phone when I called you to make up, and I thought you were going to sleep with him, and I paniced.” at the very beggining of the whole mess, which might have at least helped straighten out the situation. And then I’d slap him for sleeping with someone just because he felt hurt.

I gotta agree with this. Back in the day when Friends was still vaguely watchable, I always thought this. What Ross did was perfectly legit, and Rachel’s just trying to have it both ways. Not with the guy, but still controlling him.

Someone should still slap the shit out of Ross though. Whiny punk.

Eric Cartman. Except instead of slapping, I want to take a crowbar to both his knees. Repeatedly. Try kickin’ me squeah in da nuts now, you goddam obnoxious self-absorbed waste of construction paper.

The Canker sisters, from Ed, Edd, and Eddy. Except instead of slapping, I want to knock them out, tie them up, and steal all their worldy belongings. (Then I’d buy the Eds really horrible-tasting jawbreakers to help them kick that stupid habit.)

Dolph, Jimbo, and Kearney. Except instead of slapping, I want to run over those criminal sociopaths who always get away with EVERYTHING with a steamroller. And considering just how much they got away with in 12+ years, even that might be going a little easy on them.

Bender. Except instead of slapping, I want to forcibly shut him down with a giant electromagnet (if that doesn’t work, a rocket launcher will do) and reprogram to not be a greedy self-absorbed foulmouthed pig. Or I’d just leave him a lifeless shell, which also accomplishes the task of never having to deal with that greedy self-absorbed foulmouthed pig again.

Mr. Yotsuya from Maison Ikkoku (Rumiko Takahashi’s more serious classic series). Except instead of slapping, I want to put him in a rocket and send it on a one-way trip to the nearest black hole. I don’t give a damn about his history, job, motives, past relationships, inner demons, fetishes etc., I just want that parasitic puddle of slime off my planet for good.

The Goddesses That Can’t Shoot Straight in Oh My Goddess. Except instead of slapping, I want to blast those numbnuts out of existence and replace them with intelligent, competent, dedicated, compassionate immortals who can actually get the damn job done right. Oh yeah, I’d do the same to Mara and replace her with a potted plant.

Camille in Cookie’s Fortune. Although I think I’d be at the back of a line which includes essentially the entire town of Holly Springs.
Continuing the slapping of the Final Fantasy universe …

I want to smack basically the entire world of Final Fantasy Tactics, all at once with a super God sized hand. My word, what is wrong with these people!