I’m 54 and have worked in computing, training graduates, a small office (3 people), a technical college and currently a school.
It would never occur to me to call colleagues annoying names at work, let alone think it was funny.
If I had spats with someone (as you said you had with Melissa), I would sort out the problem.
Swearing is certainly out.
I think learning business-like behaviour is an essential habit, since e.g. you may not realise when a customer is listening.
Good luck.
A lot of people seem to be concerned about HR and management getting involved here… I can assure you, it would never come to that. I know her well enough to know she’d never take something like this to management. She is not just my co-worker, she is my friend. Not just my work friend, but my friend. She would never escalate it to that level.
It’s not really a matter of luck that she didn’t take this to HR; if she were the type of person to get so offended at a “shut up/fuck you” that she felt she couldn’t work it out with me and had to take it to management, not only would I never have crossed that line to begin with, but she and I probably wouldn’t have become friends in the first place. I don’t mean to sound arrogant, but I know what lines I can cross with who at work, and I know what overstepping my bounds with most individuals will cost me.
At any rate, I think this is worked out. She texted me just now thanking me for apologizing, and saying that she’s sorry for making me feel attacked. Tomorrow will be a better day. 
It can be a friendly greeting if you think you’re friends with the person (which the OP said). You would really get your knickers in a twist if I, thinking you and I were friends, said “How’s it going Grodi?” on my way past your desk?
My point is that, IMO, they are BOTH unprofessional. In no way do I see the card as having anything to do with work, misinterpreted or not.
And to samm, signing the card may be courteous but it doesn’t have anything to do with work. And you’re cute when you’re angry.
I think I understand it. If I can’t be unprofessional and say fuck you at work, then I can be professional and say it by not signing your birthday card.
Hell yes. My friends don’t call me names, and if you took it upon yourself to do so, you would be underscoring that we are not friends. And it’s something you’d do only once. That’s the whole point: The OP thought she knew this girl well enough for that sort of teasing, but she was wrong. That’s why you don’t do it.
A card may not have anything to do with work, but it nevertheless reinforces the social bonds between coworkers and is an act of kindness, and is therefore much more likely to be tolerated, maybe even encouraged, than the type of unprofessionalism that makes people pissed off, cry, and swear at each other. Again, the two are not even comparable IMO and I see no inconsistency in tolerating kindnesses between coworkers while discouraging conflict.
[QUOTE=Jodi]
Hell yes. My friends don’t call me names, and if you took it upon yourself to do so, you would be underscoring that we are not friends. And it’s something you’d do only once. That’s the whole point: The OP thought she knew this girl well enough for that sort of teasing, but she was wrong. That’s why you don’t do it.
Wow. It’s cool man. I guess you and I just have different definitions for the word friend…
Ahhh. That’s how I wanted this one to end. The second apology punctuated your sincerity, that you didn’t mean it as an insult and that her friendship to you has value.
I can relate to her, although I usually cut right to sobbing in the corner and skip the lashing out. And even then, it’s a dark and isolated corner so that no one ever finds out. I’m hypersensitive and I know it, but I do find myself sometimes wondering how some people that I thought liked me could be so cruel. Even if I am aware that they didn’t intend something to be hurtful, I then wonder why they didn’t care enough to be more cautious. I recognize that I may misconstrue some things, but the emotion is still real to me. No wonder I enjoy my alone time, it gets me away from everyone and makes me immune from (perceived or actual) hurtful behavior.
Part of my hypersensitivity may come from a recent past of being ruthlessly harrassed and threatened by a coworker. I left my job due to that coworker, so maybe your coworker has had a similar past.
Seriously. Maybe it’s just me, but if I don’t playfully give you a little shit every once in awhile, it usually means a) I don’t like you, or b) I don’t feel comfortable with you yet, and either way, it means we ain’t what I’d call friends.
Guess that’s just differences in how people relate.
My friends and I don’t call each other names. And even when we tease each other, we understand each other well enough to know where our own personal boundaries are, so we don’t get pissed at each other, swear at each other, or reduce each other to tears. If that’s what your friends do to or for you, then yes, we have different definitions of the word.
<thinks about mom>
Yeah, that standard wouldn’t work so good for me.
I flip shit at my friends all the time. The difference is I know them well enough to know what’s okay and what’s out of bounds. You don’t know that about this girl, as this ugly little incident proves. Maybe it’s okay in your world to make your friends feel so bad they curse you out, cry, and give you the silent treatment. I don’t treat my friends that way.
Think of it as more what you’d call “guidelines” than actual rules.
Not sayin’ anything bad about your mother.
Dude, again, this one incident is not indicative of our entire relationship dynamic. I fucked up once. You’ve never hurt a friend’s feelings by accident and had to apologize? There was never a time when you didn’t know something about a friend and unintentionally hit a sore spot? Come on. You’re being a little holier-than-thou about all this, and it’s starting to chafe.
Shit happens, we apologize, we learn from it, we move on. The fact that this happened once doesn’t mean I have no idea how to relate to this person, and you’re not even considering the possibility that yes, she was being a little fucking histrionic. Everyone else in our office was appalled by what she said to me.
Then don’t ask people for their opinions, okay? Next time, start a thread in MPSIMS and post an OP that says “I’m going to ask for opinions, but in reality I’m really only interested in hearing from people who agree with me.” That way you’ll be happier with the outcome of your thread.
To me, there’s a difference if you’re talking to a friend at work.
Wasn’t everyone in the office appalled that you swore at her? 
No, you’re more than welcome to disagree with me, as you’ll notice from the fact that I took many posters’ advice and apologized again instead of holding out for an apology from her. I just felt that with this
and this
you were being a little condescending, and I didn’t like it. The tone of both posts suggests “well, I know my friends well enough to tease them and not make them cry, but obviously you don’t.” Once incident proves nothing except that I fucked up one time with one person, not that I don’t know her boundaries in general, or that I’m some brute that goes around making my friends cry and curse me out. I don’t “treat my friends that way” either; it was unintentional to ever have offended her in the first place, she overreacted, and then I responded in kind.
I do appreciate differing opinions, but I don’t appreciate when they’re expressed from what I perceive to be a high horse. I’m very happy with the outcome of my thread, however, and never meant to suggest otherwise.
glee, most of the people I talked to didn’t remark on what I said, but expressed surprise at the intensity of her reaction. I’m not arguing that I should have cursed at her; I should have dropped it. I was simply pointing out that in my opinion, her reactions weren’t entirely proportionate to the crime committed, so I don’t feel it’s entirely fair to attribute 100% of the blame to my actions.
But that’s the fact, Jack, at least in this case. You didn’t know this woman as well as you think you did, and what is or is not okay with her, or this would not have happened in the first place. You thought you knew her boundaries, and you were wrong. Maybe she was a completely irrational bitch, but you didn’t know her well enough to see that coming, either.
Nothing in your OP indicates you recognized you had “fucked up one time” or that you even considered her a very good friend. To the contrary, “you feel you were justified in telling her to fuck off.” You’re “not real sure that I want to be friends with someone with such a ridiculously short fuse.” Even if you do decide to remain friends with her – and you may not – you have “irrevocably lost some respect for her.” And it was your OP I was responding to – what you said happened.
As far as it only being a one-time thing, I already said " I have no grounds to think based on your posting history that you are generally an immature person; but you were IMO acting immaturely in this instance. But nothing I said was intended as a comment on your general behavior or character." Guess you decided to skip over that part in your rush to assume I’m condescending to you.
ETA: And just so we’re clear, I in turn didn’t appreciate the whole “guess we have a different definition of friendship” and “maybe you’re too old to understand what I’m talking about” things, either. So take a look at the height of your own horse before complaining about mine.
Ohhhh, ok, so not knowing about one sore spot = don’t know her well enough to tease her at all. Offending someone once = not qualified to play-insult with them ever. Gotcha. Thanks.
(This is called a generalization, and yes, it’s condescending.)
Whatever. I’ve made my point and you’ve made yours; continuing this conversation will probably result in the thread getting closed, so I think I’m done.
You are SELDOM actually friends with people you work with.
Oh, you think you are friends, you joke and laugh at work.
Then you discover your “friend” threw you to the wolves when she needed someone to blame for a project going wrong.
Or the new girl is making a sexual harassment complainant because you joke around and call each other “slut” or “hosebag.” Even though she seemed to be good natured about it for a month.
Or you just leave, and discover that you don’t care enough about these people to call them - and they don’t call you either.
And you say you know her well enough it won’t come to that - but you’ll find you are wrong one day about how well you know someone - and if you are lucky, and have been professional, and don’t get set up - in the end you’ll still have a job.
I was good friends with a co-worker once. Watched his cat when he went out of town. Carpooled, met his family (friend thing only). One day he needed to set someone up for the fall on one of his projects - and it was me.
Keep your friends in your personal life. Keep your coworkers professional.
nevermore: since pretty much everyone’s thoughts are in line on this subject, and it seems to me that you probably learned a lesson from this, you could avert an impending pile-on by asking a mod to close the thread. I’m just sayin’.
Hey nevermore, sounds like you were able to get a good resolution (apart from the little pile-on you’re experiencing here, but I’m sure your knowledge of the Pit tells you that ain’t uncommon)! Great to hear that both parties have acknowledged their inappropriate behaviour.
The only bit of caution I’d give is don’t assume this puts the ‘friendship’ back to how it was before the incident. This girl is clearly fragile and can/will blow up again. Make it your mission not to be the cause of any of those future blow-ups.