I got this in my email this morning. I’m sure most of you have already received it three times over. Still, they’re pretty funny.
Fighting criminal ignorance since earlier this morning…
I’ve seen the video of #3. Hilarious. #1 I think really happened, and was later used as the plot for a TV commercial (can’t remember what it was selling, though)
Since I work with them… (criminals, that is) these are people I have met:
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The armed robber who robbed the pizza parlor with a shot gun, hit the cash register with said gun for emphasis (give me the money), thereby breaking the register, making it impossible to open. His co-defendant (who drove the ‘getaway car’, when she got out, was going to apply for a job at that pizza parlor before I suggested to her that it wasn’t a good idea)
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The guy who, with a buddy was trying to rob a 7 -11, was sooooo drunk (how drunk was he?) he was sooooo drunk that he didn’t realize: a. The cashier was his sister’s ex boyfriend and knew him b. his ‘buddy’ had split because c. a cop car and just pulled in to the parking lot.
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The guy, drunk and despondant, misses his girlfriend who lives 100 miles away. damn what to do. Why walk down the street (at 4 am) to the old guy who lives a few houses away and take his car, woke up the old man, demanded his wallet, keys, attempted to drag the guy out to the car with him, wasn’t able to, then drove away in the car (he got about two blocks - charges included kidnapping, robbery and UDAA)
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The woman who’s Venezualian fiance, called her from Miami and said ‘would you pick up a package for me at Fed Ex???’ (not that anything’s wrong with being Venezualian, but geez, hasn’t she watched Miami Vice or Clear and Present Danger?)
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Two women, one black, one white, drive out to a rural mid MI town, break into a house, fill their car up with stuff from the house, go out, get stuck in the snow in the driveway, go back into the house, call a tow truck, ask the driver if he’ll take a check go back into the house, write a check off the home owner’s account, the tow truck driver (not a MENSA member) says “oh, Joe, I know him”, they say “he’s not home right now”, he says fine, they drive away (yes, they got caught a few hours later)
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The guy who walked to his armed robbery - at the store located around the corner from where he lived.
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the woman who went to Sax Fifth Avenue to shop lift. She was about 5’2" and weighed (at best, dripping wet) about 80 pounds, took 5 items into the changing room with her, exited wearing all of them under her street clothes complete with hangers (I read that in her PSI and couldn’t believe it).
Others that I read about in my community newspaper: -
Another armed robber who robbed a 7-11 and walked a block up the street to the strip joint where he was arrested.
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The 3 women who, while reading the Bible, got entranced, (they said later with the Holy Spirit), and stripped, covered themselves with Mustard (didn’t specify which brand), and hopped into the UPS truck outside and drove off. This one, I think, made the national wire service (it was several years ago)
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The guy who was in court for a Carrying a Concealed Weapons charge, the cop had testified that he’d seen a bulge in the guys jacket, the guy wore the same jacket to court, testified to the judge “see, the pocket’s not even large enough to fit a weapon” and offered the jacket to the judge to examine. The judge stuck his hand in the pocket and withdrew the packet of cocaine therein…
I’m sure there’s more, this is all I can remember presently.
Jay Leno has, in the past, done bits just reading this sort of thing from newspaper clippings.
One of my favorites was the guy that attempted to hold up a gun shop. Using a knife. He was shot by the owner, of course, but was apparently pathetic enough that he just winged him.
There’s also a story of a guy who was a small time burglar until the time that he managed to steal a pistol from some house. He decided to go big time and rob a bank. He collected $16,000 from the teller drawers, but was apprehended leaving the bank. The funny part was the pistol he’d stolen was a collector’s item worth upwards of $100,000.
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A Thomasville, GA man who was being arrested on a drunk driving charge managed to steal the arresting officer’s police cruiser and lead the cops on a high-speed chase before giving them the slip. The suspect was arrested at a convenience store about two hours later, after he stopped to buy a six-pack of beer.
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A woman walked into a convenience store in Belfry, KY, pulled out a handgun, and demanded all the money from the cash register. As the terrified clerk begged the robber not to shoot her, the suspect tried to calm the clerk’s fears by calling her by name and saying, “I wouldn’t hurt you. I graduated with you.” The suspect fled with $110. When state police arrived at the store and interviewed the clerk, they sent an officer across the street to the high school from which the clerk and the thief had graduated. The clerk was able to pick out the suspect’s picture from the school’s yearbook, and police were able to make a quick arrest.
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A 29-year old man in Inman, SC was arrested for robbing a bank recently. The nervous suspect had forgotten to ask for a bag for his loot. As the teller handed over the money, he began frantically stuffing it into his pants and socks. As the suspect fled, he was losing so much of the loot that residents along his escape route called police every few minutes to report on his progress. Within 40 minutes of the robbery, Inman police had the suspect in handcuffs.
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Actor Brad Renfro – best known for a co-starring role in the movie version of John Grisham’s The Client – will need a lawyer of his own after being arrested in Florida. The actor and a friend allegedly tried to steala 45-foot yacht from its berth in a Ft. Lauderdale marina. The pair crept aboard the yacht under cover of darkness, got the engine started, and roared away – realizing too late they had forgotten to untie the boat from the dock. The lines yanked the boat violently back into the dock, awakening several nearby boaters who detained the thrill seekers until police arrived.
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A 41-year-old woman is suing the New York Police Department for wrongfully arresting her during a sting operation at the Staten Island Mall. Officers say the woman walked away with a planted handbag containing two dollars in cash. The woman’s defense is that she suffers from obsessive-compulsive disorder and must go through a carefully prepared
“things to do” list in rigid order every day. She says she simply had a long list of other things on her list that day and hadn’t gotten around to returning the purse yet. -
The Channel 13 news van was recently stopped at a red light on the streets of Bartow, FL when a group of loud malcontents pulled alongside and started yelling, “Hey – put us on TV!” An officer in an unmarked police cruiser happened to pull up behind the two vehicles, noticed the ruckus, and
decided to run the license plate number of the second car. He quickly discovered the tag had been reported stolen. Quicker than you can say “I wanna be a TV star,” the loudmouths were completely surrounded by cops. The driver was charged with possession of the stolen tag, and his passengers were arrested on a variety of outstanding warrants. One positive note – they did get to be on Channel 13 news. -
A Hartford, CN man grabbed a $500 air compressor from a local hospital, threw it in his waiting car, and sped away. A short distance later, the crook ran a red light and smashed into another car, suffering lacerations and other minor injuries. The responding ambulance took the injured man back to the same hospital he had just ripped off – just as police showed up to investigate the theft.
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A night clerk at a convenience store in Kansas City, MO put tape over the store’s security cameras, removed the money from the cash register, and stashed it in a trash bin behind the store. The clerk then called police to report he had been robbed. The investigating officers didn’t take long to figure out the clerk was lying because the tape he had used on the security cameras was transparent masking tape, which meant the whole scam had been recorded on video.
Just thought of another good story. I have a brother who is a cop, so he tells some great stories. This one happened to him.
He and another officer were picking up a guy on a warrent. The guy was with his little sister. The guy tried to run, his sister tried to tackle one of the cops to help him get away. He sees them struggling with the sister and runs back and starts fighting with the cops. Man and sister are arrested.
The funny part happened in court, when they claimed that they fought in self defense. The two cops were put on the stand and told their stories. Not surprisingly, their stories matched up in every detail.
The man gets on the stand. He tells a story substantially different than the one the police told. No big surprise. The sister is sitting at the defense table listening to the whole proceeding.
The sister gets on the stand and tells a third version of the story. It doesn’t match up with her brother’s story any better than it does with the police version.
My brother says that the defendant’s attorney looked so dejected after his clients shot down his case that the cops and the procecutor took him out to lunch after the conviction.
Love these stories. I do have a question as to the validity of the OP’s fourth one though. The police would never bring back the suspect to the scene of the crime and ask a witness to identify him from the back of a police car. The reason line-ups are used, with a defense attourney present, is so that police can allow witnesses to choose the suspect without any police interference or bias. Any ID of a suspect in the back of a police car would immediately be thrown out and the police know that.
for more stories
Working in banking has made me privvy to some pretty good “dumb criminal” stories.
I was visiting a branch of the bank where I work when a robbery took place. A man presented the teller with a paper bag and the classic “I have a gun. Give me money.” note. The teller put a few straps of currency and the dye pack in the sack. The robber folded the sack, put it down the front of his pants, and casually walked out the door. I found out about the robbery just in time to look out the window and see a man running down the street, flinging money wildly with both hands as a stream of hot, red smoke billowed from his pants. The police found him a short time later hiding on a city bus. Caught him red, um, handed, you might say.
One robber made his getaway in a cab. The cops called the cab company and asked where they took that fare. The robber was arrested and the money, minus cab fare, was recovered.
Then there was the criminal mastermind who planned to abscond via public transportation. He was arrested at the bus stop.
If you gohere and scrolll down to the links that say “dumb crook news”, you can see tons of these things.
A guy on one of those reality TV shows last night was holding up a bank, but before he got anything all of the shutters went down on the windows. He attempted to flee, and pushed the door, but it was also locked. After waiting for the police to show up, a little old lady came into the bank and unwittingly let him escape.
His mistake: not taking heed of the word on the door - pull.
Another attempted to rob a show run by two middle-aged women. After taking his hand out of his pocket still holding the banana he claimed was a gun one of the women hit him with her bag and he fled after taking two further shots with bottles (one actually smashed over his head!)