Stupid Criminals

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I feel we need an omnibus stupid-criminal thread, so I’ll start one. Feel free to contribute.

I’ll start it off with this Einstein: He served 15 years in prison in New Jersey for sticking up a shoe store. What does he do just a day after being released? He sticks up the same shoe store again! :smack:

The same clerk was on duty too.

I can’t give a cite for this one, but I recall a bank robbery here in Thailand. An inside job apparently. Not the stick-up variety but rather money went missing suddenly. Just as suddenly, the janitor drove to work in a fancy, expensive new car. His story was that he won the lottery, which didn’t pan out upon inspection.

Then there was the Danish bank robber who fled here to Thailand with his loot. He fell in love with a Thai bargirl and gave her the money for safekeeping. (I’m sure you can guess what’s coming next.) She promptly disappeared with the money. The Dane was left broke and had no money with which to move on, so he was stuck here in Thailand when Interpol finally caught up with him. The bargirl and the money have never resurfaced.

2

My guess is he’s one of those people who becomes acclimated to a prison environment and isn’t able to cope on the outside. Robbing the same store is merely incidental; his goal was always to go back to prison.

Or maybe, he’s just really, really stupid. Can’t count that out.

3

Your comment reminded me of this story that I’ve told before on the Board:

Back in West Texas some good friends lived in an apartment, and we all became friendly with the people next door to them, three members of an extended family. One day, their cousin came to live with them. He was middle-aged and had been in prison in California for almost all of his adult life. He was paroled to Texas because of his relatives there. We’d often share a beer at night, and he was a genuinely nice guy to talk to. Completely open and honest about himself. He’d been given a decent job driving an airport limo, was making good money from that and seemed really to be trying to make a go of it. One quirk that he had, though, was always reminiscing about how good life was in prison. You could see he truly missed the place. He’d tell how you could have anything you wanted there, even pornography and sex.

About that time, a series of armed robberies began in the area. Yep, you guessed it. During one robbery, the perp ended up shot through the neck but lived. Yes, it was my friends’ paroled neighbor. It seems going back to prison was a main motive for the robberies. They obliged him and sent him back.

4

Note that this describes a case of embezzlement, not robbery.

5

Probably not technically embezzlement, as janitors typically don’t have too much, if any, money handling responsibilities.

6

Just google “stupid criminals facebook” and you can find idiots who thought it was a good idea to brag about their crimes on social media. Actually, stupid is too kind a word.

7

Over 20 years ago I knew of a guy (friend-of-friends) who was wanted by the police, I forget why. Likely theft. Apparently they found him hiding in someone’s closet four days later. I couldn’t believe how stupid he was, he could have been across the entire country in 4 days yet he stayed in our little one-horse town and got caught.

8

Read a story once…

Chap visits the bank, and notices that the building is built like a fortress, but has a weakness – a skylight. He decides to break in and steal all that lovely money.

Returns one night, and kicks in the skylight. He then ties a rope to the steel framework, and shinnies down the rope. However, he loses his grip, and falls the last ten feet. Onto a big pile of shattered glass. On his hands and knees. Slashed up pretty good. Still, he’s in, and a bank contains money to buy many bandaids. He tears up a curtain, binds his wounds, and then sets to work on the teller stations.

He is dismayed to learn that the teller windows, so normally filled with sweet, sweet money, are EMPTY of cash; apparently, they take the money and put it in the VAULT at night. He spends a while dinking with the vault before realizing that it is beyond his power to open.

He then spent an hour rummaging through desks and offices. For some reason, bank employees don’t keep any money in their offices. He could clean up on office supplies and pictures of grandchildren, but aside from some small change, he has nothing.

In disgust, he decides to leave. However, he then discovers that climbing thirty feet of rope with your hands all cut up is a bit of a trick. It reopens his wounds, and causes copious bleeding. Our hero begins to worry… how much blood can you LOSE before you DIE? He gives up on the rope and tries to open the front door. It is locked. Even from the inside.

He tries to stop the bleeding and fails. Finally, in desperation, he called 911. On the bank manager’s office phone.

I am told that the ambulance, the bank manager, and the police all arrived around the same time. Whatever story he might have given them remains unrecorded…

9

I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again… better to have stupid criminals than smart ones!

10

You left out the part with the pulley, the barrel, and the bricks.

11

Well, there WAS the pharmacist who was arrested, and had his license suspended, for flashing women in the parking lot of the store where he worked.

:smack:

Interesting thing was, he worked at Walgreens. The least he could have done was crossed the street and done this at CVS.

:stuck_out_tongue:

12

When I lived in Baltimore there was one little group of drug dealers who decided they could increase business by giving out discount coupons.
For every four items you bought you would get the fifth one free.
They printed up a bunch of coupons and a customer was given one with each purchase, when they had four coupons they could turn them in for a free item.
In order to make it convenient for their customers they included their address and phone number on the front of the coupon and had hand drawn a map on the back.

For a while i lived in a very small town in a rural MD county.
One day I pulled into the drive thru at the bank and the teller asked me if I heard about the attempted robbery of their branch.
Some man had pulled into the drive thru and pointed a gun at them and demanded money.
One teller ran and locked the doors, all the other tellers just stood back from the window, which had bullet proof glass, and watched him wave the gun at them and shout threats at them to give him the money.
Of course the whole thing was caught on camera.
It didn’t take long for the pilice to find and arrest him.

13

In 2003, I did some relief work at a clinic on a local Army base. Their bomb threat protocol was posted next to the phone, and two of the questions you’re supposed to ask are “What is your name?” and “What is your address?”

:smiley:

Research has shown that the caller will often give up that information if asked.

14

Appropriate user handle for the thread (no dig intended, just an observation).

15

Sixteen years ago, I was a waitress working third shift in a restaurant that had quite a busy bar rush. A man (with a leg cast and crutches) asked one of my co-workers if he could borrow a pen. The only pen she had was the one she was taking orders with, so she wouldn’t give that up, but he insisted, so she brought him an orange marker. His next request was for a piece of paper. The only paper she had was the tickets she was writing orders on, and we were accountable for those in the morning, so she brought him a napkin. The man wrote on the napkin, then went to the bathroom.

He came out of the bathroom, went to the register, and handed our hostess the napkin. He watched her read it, and then showed her the round end of the shiny silver toilet paper spindle he had stolen from our bathroom. She handed him the money from the register. He hobbled out the door.

She went immediately to the one of the special duty police officers we had working every weekend, and wordlessly handed them the note. She was too freaked for speech. He read the note, then shouted to the other special duty officer, “Brian, we got a (whole bunch of numbers) going on!!” They ran outside, followed by a fourth of our customers, who were eager for some more excitement.

The man, who had no getaway car, was just a’gettin’ it as fast as he could on his getaway crutches!! They of course caught him, then frisked him…and found no money. So they pantsed him, (unpantsed? depantsed? Whatever…) and money proceeded to rain from his buttcrack.

So they ran him for priors. Turns out, the week before, he had robbed a Walmart. Walmart called the police. The police had a car close, and soon were chasing him down in the parking lot. Apparently he zigged when he should’ve zagged, because the police car ran him over, and that was why he was on crutches! :smack:

16

One of the best I’ve heard of happened a few years ago in Renton, Washington. The following is a copy of the Snopes.com description of the event,

The above article neglects to mention that the would-be robber had to walk around a marked police car parked outside of the store.

17

The David Zaback story is still being treated as a crime?

It sounded to me like a classic blue suicide (aka “Suicide by Cop”).

The first report I saw had him firing wildly - not aiming at the two persons most likely to be a problem.

I submit that the presence of the police car was the selection criteria for the location.

18

After an elaborate jail break you probably should leave town, or at very least not go home:

Link

19

The purloined letter hideout method.

20

This is a story told to me by a bank worker. It starts with a man trying to hold up a donut shop and failing to get cooperation from the owner, dispite his gun. The ropper left, disgruntled, but rather than leave empty handed, he grabbed a big, pink box of donuts off of the counter as he went. The owner called to report the robbery.

Maybe he decided he had been aiming too low, or that he needed to try someplace with proper procedures in place. All that’s know is that he was soon in a bank, robbing it while holding the big, pink box.

The procedures worked well for him. He did get some money. And he walked away, still holding the box. The bank, of course, called to report a robbery.

Well, by now the cops had talked to the dount shop owner and gotten a description. The call went out over the radio. A squad car noted someone walking along with a big, pink donut box, who matched the description well enough.

Any relief that the robber felt on only being questioned about the donut box ended when the description of the bank robber came over the radio.