Best dumb criminal stories

As a connoisseur of the dumb criminal genre, I have many stories I love to pieces.

My two near favorites, from The Stupid Crook Book, are the guy who tried to rob a bank by shaping his index finger into a gun, and the two rocket scientists who tried cutting through safe with a laser- a laser pointer, that is.

Then there’s the America’s Dumbest Criminals franchise. The ADC includes the prisoner who accidentally turned his toilet into an electric chair, the drunk driver who claimed his teddy bear was driving, and the drug dealer who stumbled onto a training conference of undercover narcotics agents.

But the best one of all, hands down, is the tale of the naked hula-dancing beer thieves. Nothing more need be said, except, perhaps, ROTFLMAO.

What’s your favorite dumb crook story?

This happened at a bank where I became employed less than a year later.

A bank robber used a cab as his getaway car. He took it home. The police didn’t have much of a hard time tracking him down.

we had one in town a few months ago - a guy went to a bar that was advertising for servers. He was standing around, and no-one came to talk to him, so he opened the till, helped himself to the cash, and walked out.

perfect crime, right? no-one saw him, no-one had any idea that he would be there, since he had no connection to the place.

well, except that he set his résumé down when he opened the till, and didn’t take it with him when he left… :smack:

the judge that sentenced him listened to the facts being read in, and then inquired, “I take it he didn’t get hired?”

I’ve heard of bank robbers writing stickup notes on the backs of their own utility bills.

I heard about a guy that went to the counter of a convenience store and put down a 20 dollar bill to cover for what he was about to do. He robbed the attendant and left the $20 on the counter. He walked out with $5 and change from the till.

I read about a guy who cut off the corners from a $20 bill and put them on a $1 bill.

So he spent $21 to make $20 and gained a federal conviction. Not his finest hour.

When I moved furniture a long time ago, we moved a corrections officer for a juvenile prison that had some pretty crazy stories.

One of them involved a teenager who robbed a 7-11 wearing a mask that completely covered his face…and his high school football jacket with his name and number on it…

I remember one of those dumb criminal shows in which a man was pulled over for reckless driving. He tried to convince the cop that he had not, in fact, been drinking. He was swigging a beer the whole time, and he even offered one to the cop.

When I worked late night Security.

Five guys walk up to the restaurant I’m working ARMED security in. Armed mall guy (special forces vet) is taking his break just inside the door. Manager sees them coming and tells us not to allow them entry. Quite a scene outside, loudmouthed punk A gets maced in the back of the head after attempting to provoke us into a fight. We chase them across the street and they respond by lobbing rocks into our parking lot, hitting one customer and a couple of cars. Police called.

Half hour later, Loud Mouthed Punk A comes back ALONE. Attempts to confront vet while I’m dealing with a potential fight between five drunken women. Vet grabs him by the throat, runs him out the door, maces him point blank in the face and chases him to a car three blocks away. Punk gets in car and drives off. Vet calls in plates.

Punk arrested 5 miles away. Charged with;

Disorderly conduct
Driving under the Influence
No proof of Insurance
Driving after suspension.

Heckuva night for that young man. :smiley:

There’s actually a genuine scam there, just done wrong. You cut one corner each off of 4 $100 bills, and glue them to to a $1 bill, making it appear to be a $100. You can still spend the slightly damaged hundreds, and you thus net $99.

Doesn’t seem like the sort of thing you could get away with very long, though. If you’re constantly spending identically damaged $100 bills, it won’t take long for the Secret Service will track you down pretty fast.

Recently in the town next to mine a small convenience store got robbed and the thief left on foot. Police got there and, I shit you not, followed a trail of money to the guys house a block away.
It was reported that the guy was cooperative and asked the cops “How did you find me so fast?”

A creep I once dated took a gun and robbed a Greyhound bus station. He considered it such a successful venture that he went back to the same bus station the next night and tried to rob it again. I can’t remember how much jail time he did.

The best one I ever heard was related on NPR’s Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me last year (when I have time I will see if I can find it on their site). The gist of the story was that a man and his girlfriend went and robbed a Linens 'N Things (or a similar store) and almost managed to get away, but they were foiled when the woman dropped the duck that she was carrying which slowed them down enough for the police to catch them.

All right, why a duck? Why a duck, why-a no chicken?

Got this from a local bank employee. Robber tries to rob donut store. The owner isn’t impressed with his gun and cusses him out. Guy grabs a big pink box full of donuts off of the counter and leaves. Owner calls cops.

Meanwhile, guy walks around for a while and decides to try a bank. Bank employees have been instructed to cooperate with men with guns, so he gets the money. He’s still carrying the big pink box.

By the time he’s walking away from the bank, the cops have taken the complaint from the donut store and stop him because of the pink box. The recovered bank money turns out to be a bonus.

A part of me hopes he at least got to eat one of the donuts.

So, I’m an intern for Legal Aid. I saw this with my own eyes.

So, the judge was “screening” a guy for Legal Aid - basically, there are a few financial questions about income, property, etc.

Judge: Are you working sir?
Defendant: No sir
Judge: So if you’re not working, how do you support yourself?
Defendant: I sell drugs

Its important to note that this defendant was NOT arrested on drug charges.

Bank robber caught when he leaves ATM card behind.

You’ve got to be fairly dumb to go out on the rob on a snowy night and then get followed back to your flat by the footprints you left, as happened to an old acquaintance of mine.

Last summer I was vacationing on Martha’s Vineyard. We went to see a standup comic. Every bit he did was about life on the Island.

About 25 years ago, one of the local geniuses and his friends held up a gas station in town. Got in his car and raced away, only to have the car die on them a few hundred yards up the road.

It seems they forgot to first FILL the tank, and THEN make their getaway.

He did three years.

Well, if we’re doing local crime stories, I have one, too. Seems this guy, Mr. X, was mugged by this other guy, call him Mr.Y. Mr. X walks over to the police station to report a crime. Mr. Y, if I understood the article correctly, followed Mr. X into the station, and was promptly arrested.

It was just a stub article in the local police blotter, so I don’t know if the guy had any particularly compelling reason to follow his victim into a police station. But I’d love to hear his side of the story.