*would be.
I don’t think she owes it. “Owe” implies she obligated, and as I’ve said, that’s not my position.
(That said, if I were her, I would feel a sense of obligation to help. Because of everything that I’ve already explained ad nauseam.)
That the debt is still around matters because people generally don’t keep debt year after year unless its hard for them to pay it off. Her mother didn’t find it hard because 1) her income was/is high and 2) her parents helped. Dad wasn’t as fortunate.
He made the choice as a parent to agree to pay for half his child’s college as part of his divorce agreement. That’s the only material thing here. I’m under the impression kids don’t owe parents what kids didn’t ask parents to pay, and I’d lay odds he could have refused to agree to it and still been able to get divorced.
Joan has her own child to care for now, but if in future years she feels stable enough to talk to her dad about contributing to his debt she should approach it as he did - thinking of her family first. Remunerating a parent for having done a parental thing doesn’t sit well w/ me.
But what do I know? I don’t have kids, I’ve paid back every dollar I’ve ever asked to borrow from my parents as well as paid my own way through college.
Something that’s been mentioned but not elaborated upon is how Joan’s mother is going to react if she learns Joan took the gift of $30,000 and used it to pay off her father’s debt. I predict with great certainty that Mom will be furious and may very well decide to end the monetary gifts to Joan. Trying to keep the matter secret from Mom is guaranteed to fail.
If Joan decides to fund Dad, she should never let Mom think that the monies are related. Put the $30,000 into a general account, and pay Dad out of a general account, but never ever ever admit or imply that one has anything to do with the other.
What would I do?
"Wtf are you thinking, Joan?
You can’t afford cars that you say you NEED, don’t have the down payment for a house–so I guess the Easter Bunny and the Unicorns are going to take care of the baby, huh?"
Seriously, Joan has bigger money management issues than her Dad paying her loan or not.
Come to think of it maybe her attitude about money stems from the fact that the parents raised her this way.
Grow up, Joan.
Huh? Not sure where you’re getting so hostile. The couple is living within their means. They didn’t ask for or ever say that they NEEDED a second car, but accepted a used one when it when it was offered by one of their parents. They have no college debt to date and have enough in the budget to pay for his Master’s. They currently live in a small, affordable apartment and are saving towards a DP on a house. They have budgeted for day care. That’s all very responsible.
Yes, they COULD use an unexpected windfall towards a DP on a house. Yes, they could buy newer cars or nicer furniture or better clothes. But it’s unfair to attack them for the way that the manage money because they live within their means, have ZERO debt, and are saving money every month. That makes them leaps and bounds better than most Americans these days.
Update: Joan and her husband bought and moved into a new (affordable) house with their baby, with the help of the great aunt’s money inheritance. They still drive old cars, but as of May 2020, they will both have their Masters and hold stable, decent jobs in their fields.
Without prompting from anyone, they offered to assume what is left on Joan’s student debt as of May, 2020, which is one month after they will be done paying for their own graduate school. This made her father extremely happy.
Her father also spent a great deal of the summer helping, along with another grandparent, to care for his new grandchild, for which he refused to be paid. This was a great help to the parents and helped mend the tear in their relationship. However, after learning that the great grandparents (mother’s parents) established a substantial 529 account for the baby, the father began renewing his attacks on his ex-wife, and started “remembering” incidents to bolster his claim that Joan’s mother had been abusive to Joan, and warned Joan not to allow the baby to be alone with her monther. This greatly upset Joan, and so what should have been a wonderful, healing summer was marred once again by the father’s bitterness.
So sad.
Yes, it is sad. But why would her father be upset that someone else established a substantial 529 account for the baby? Shouldn’t he be happy that someone is helping with his grandchild’s college?
From the sounds of it, Joan turn out a much better person than her father. And her mother is lucky that she got a divorce.
He can’t be anything but nasty about what the mom’s side of the family does, but he can’t keep his mouth shut about it either for some reason. Sounds awfully insecure, like he’s measuring his efforts against everyone else’s.
I just read this thread, so I’m very late to the party, but my thinking as I read was that Joan’s paying off her father’s share of the loan, generous as it would be (and was) wouldn’t stop him from bitching about her mother and being a difficult parent. This wasn’t a man who got hit with misfortune or made bad financial decisions in good faith. It’s a guy who felt entitled to steal $500 from his own child. It’s a guy who felt entitled to what he thought he should get on the house instead of its worth. It’s a guy who felt entitled to buy an expensive condo he couldn’t afford.
She was kind to repay the money, especially since she spent many hours helping him get the house ready to sell.
This was never about Joan–not to him. I only hope Joan realizes she can’t please someone who’s so self-centered and entitled. She’s going to have to learn to accept her father as the messed-up man he is and set boundaries accordingly.
Something not specific to the OP’s immediate question - but that I guarantee will come up in the next few years:
Dad is likely getting on toward retirement age.
Given what all has been said, what are the odds he has sufficient money to support him in his retirement?
And who wants to take a bet on whether he’ll ask / expect / demand assistance from Joan at that point.
The combination of bad luck (housing downturn, wife cheating) and bad decision (carrying two houses) causing financial crisis after crisis strikes very close to home here as I’ve vented about in other threads - though at least in our case there was no cheating or theft involved, at least.
But Joan will have a well-paying job, and has an inheritance coming, and I can pretty much promise you that either she, or her father, will feel she is obligated to help support him.
I’d pay off the debt. Beyond that, I don’t want to speculate.