There’s a Facebook group called DNA Detectives. They assist adoptees and people in this sort of situation to use DNA to track their biological parent. Very helpful, lots of good advice.
Ethnicity is a bad thing to rewrite history over. It’s an emerging technology. However, if she and her dad have both tested through Ancestry, they should have a parent/child match if he is her biological father. They should have 3400 centimorgans in common. Ancestry prioritise matches by centimorgans, so if he was her dad, he’d be her top match.
She can download her raw DNA and upload to FTDNA and Gedmatch to expand her pool of matches.
She should exercise caution reaching out to close cousins, ensuring she takes a copy of as much of the data they’ve shared before she reaches out. DNA Detectives is full of stories from people who’ve been blocked as soon as they reveal they’re adopted or as a result of what they term an NPE (Non Paternal Event).
One of the bad consequences of deceitful people is that they drag truthful people into their web of deceit. It leaves the truthful people feeling dirty and used.
And since the truthful people suck at being deceitful, they’re soon found out. Which reinforces the deceitful person’s belief that everyone is deceitful just like they are; some just deny it more vigorously than others. They believe that people’s proclaimed truthfulness is the biggest deceit of them all.
All in all, a topsy-turvy and toxic ball of nasty best avoided.
Don’t know if anyone cares, but, here is an update.
Using the Ancestry website matches she tracked down a family tree and individuals that came up as matches of 1st cousin or closer with a high confidence rating. She was able to get names and contacted them. She also found pictures of them on Facebook.
3 of the women (all sisters) looked just like her. The 1 man looked like he was related to her as well. All 4 met and had hours of conversation. The background is their father was known to have an affair and their mother had left him briefly back in the 60’s. All 4 of them are older than my sister-in-law.
They agreed to take a sibling DNA test which I guess cost several hundred dollars. The test revealed a high probability that she shared at least 1 biological parent with them.
Her biological father has been deceased since 2009. But at least she found out who he was and was able to put some pieces of the story together. It appears that he was somebody her mother met at a job she once had. They had a fling and when his wife found out she left. Bio-dad decided to fight to get her back and dumped SIL mother who later gave birth to SIL and let her husband think she was his. Not such a great story, huh? What kind of relationship she’s going to have with her new found siblings I know not. What a lousy thing to have to find out later in life. I also feel sorry for my brother who has been in the middle of her emotional rollercoaster from the start.
An article I read on DNA discoveries about “non”-family trees called it (politely) a “pedigree error”.
As I said way back when - what makes you think her father didn’t know? Maybe he knew and ignored it for the sake of family continuity, or because- who knows? - he loved her.
Your wife cuckolded you and the girl you raised is not really yours, yeah that’s a fun conversation.
Presuming the mother even knew that SIL was not her husbands.
Is there even a reason for her to have the conversation with her non-bio dad? I can see a parental figure wanting to have that conversation with the child at some point. There may be health reasons, for example. The reverse conversation, what purpose does it serve other than to hurt him? “So, “Dad” you apparently loved me and raised me to the best of your ability. In all ways that matter you were my father, but you aren’t really my father. Let’s talk.” Maybe that’s the sort of thing you keep to yourself at the end of his life.
This is a really interesting story. A personal tale like this gives a lot of insight into the ethical dilemmas as DNA testing becomes ubiquitous. There may soon be tens or hundreds of thousands of people going through similar experiences.
I remember reading many years ago (when there was far less data available) estimates of “non-paternity” in the range of 5-10%. There’s an extensive Wiki on Non-Paternity Events that summarizes the data, although it still seems a little sparse. “NPE” for a genealogist encompasses any event where the surname does not follow the Y-chromosome (cuckoldry is only one of many several possible reasons), so without digging into all the papers I don’t know to what extent these numbers correspond to unexpected non-paternity, but here’s the link:
It seems to me that it would now be fairly easy and inexpensive to get reliable (anonymized) data on this at the population level, but I guess it’s a can of worms.
I suspect that NPE’s were more common until the recent past, when a larger range of birth control options were available; plus better education and more common use of birth control by married women. The pill was available what, about late 1960’s? But not that common for married couples. Condoms were not that easy to buy before the AIDS epidemic (plenty of jokes about having to ask the pharmacist for some from behind the counter).
Nowadays many women, even married women, are on birth control so “accidents” are - I assume - rarer.
And of course, in the days before blood types, there was only family resemblance to fall back on.
There was an apocryphal story about a high school science teacher in a lower-class area of Britain who asked his class to compare their blood types to their parents, to teach about inherited blood types; only to find about 20% discrepancies. First, I’ve never been able to find an actual source for this - it’s more like a repeated urban legend. Second, based on the prevalence of some common blood types, that would suggest the ACTUAL NPE rate would be substantially higher. There are a large number of blood type combinations that do not reveal the NPE. Finally, in 1950’s or 1960’s lower class Britain how many healthy adults know their blood type? It more likely sounds like an educated slander against the poorer classes.
Finally - relating to the OP - I also wonder, if the SIL was so obsessed… Did she suspect a problem for a while? Had various people or family members hinted or made comments about how she “didn’t look like her father”? Was she really feeling an urge to explore her proud Polish heritage, or was she needing to confirm her suspicions about dear old non-dad?
Thanks for sharing the update pkbites. That whole thing has been a can of worms for you and your bro. I’m glad SIL’s on the comeback trail which should be making things easier for you and bro. I’m also glad in a way to find out that bio-dad is deceased. Nothing much good could have come from SIL approaching him at this late stage of his life.
Agree with the other recent posts that the next hurdle is SIL settling on what, if anything, to say or ask her apparent-dad. With any luck SIL’s had all the drama she needs already.
An interesting meta-issue is that early on pretty much everybody here, including me, figured SIL was on a fool’s errand that she’d never succeed at. And even if she found some evidence, it’d be of such dubious quality that any conclusion would be mere guesswork. But emotionally devastating guesswork.
Come to find out we were wrong and she managed to get very close to rock-solid no-doubts-about-it evidence.
“you’re not really my daughter? Hmmm… I better update my will.”
Seriously, 50 years of acting like a father counts for a lot more than biology; although it’s always nice to find some people with whom you have a connection.
I know a fairly decent number of families where the one child is not the father’s, generally it’s the oldest, brought in from a previous engagement by the mother. Quite often the child was an accident or a short relationship and the biological father has little to do with the child, but the details are not secret. If the new family started while the child was young enough, I didn’t see much difference in the way the family dynamic worked; the husband might as well have been the child’s father for all the difference it made.
I have agreed with most of what you have said on this thread, except the above. I was pretty sure she would find out, the power of the Internet is such that once you have a bit of information, it will eventually help you find all the pieces.
Everything else you have said is dead true. No great new knowledge and a good chance of hurting many people very badly. It could be a big shock to some, a devastating one… Or worse suspicions they had suppressed have been proved. The terms “sleeping dogs” and “pious perjury” cover situations like this very well.
md2000 there is a big difference between the step parent being for all purposes the real one and situations like this where at best a loved one betrayed you and probably/possibly did a lot more.
I had a great aunt who used to say that keeping secrets is sometimes the only way to happiness and if you suspect you might find something, move along. In some cases thats a good idea.
Also consider it takes two to tango. Considering mama’s friends suggested dad had his faults… and not very often have I seen a case where a decent caring spouse is blindsided. At very least the other spouse falls in the category of taking the other for granted. Which is why we have no fault divorces, generally. It’s not about who did worst.
But I’ll agree with previous posts - I don’t think it serves any good to tell dad that at best his suspicions are confirmed when they were long buried, and at worst a total shock blindsiding him in his old age.
I don’t doubt that happens as written. Not every time, but sometimes.
I also note that when OP’s SIL contacted her possible half-sibs and persuaded them to do DNA testing, their possible shared father was safely dead and his estate (be it large or small) was already safely distributed.
Imagine for a minute that the old man was still around and was loaded. I bet the known children would be far less welcoming to strangers appearing out of nowhere asking for help proving the rich old fart was their Dad too.
Yes, nothing brings out deep sibling emotions like a good inheritance fight.
I don’t imagine dear old dad changing his will unless there are deep and long-standing animosities between father and daughter already. It doesn’t sound like this is the case.
I do wonder, though, as I’ve said earlier, whether either party suspected there was an NPE going back a long time. Assuming dear old dad still has most of his marbles and had his suspicions, the “oops, we need to do a second DNA test for ancestry.com” probably didn’t fool him one bit.
But, if after 50 years he’s never hinted at such a problem, it most likely means that for all intents, he considers SIL his daughter despite what he thinks about her pedigree.
As discussed, the real question is - does she tell dad? My suggestion is, unless he brings it up and wants to know - no. If he brings it up then it’s obvious he suspects, meaning he’s known for 50 years, meaning it’s no great shock for him. After all, unless SIL is the youngest, one possible outcome of infidelity is forgiveness and a renewed closer bond. Who knows?
What’s the legal issues, BTW? I presume once the will is read and the estate distributed, it’s too late to contest it. Plus, I assume if father has treated SIL as a daughter for 50 years and that’s what the birth certificate says, other siblings can’t contesting the father’s will with “she’s not really his daughter”? (The OP says “brothers and sisters” so I assume at least 4 others. Turning a 5 shares into 4 doesn’t do that much for each share anyway)
What kind of relationship she’s going to have with her new found siblings I know not. What a lousy thing to have to find out later in life. I also feel sorry for my brother who has been in the middle of her emotional rollercoaster from the start.