…the amazing new Ginzu 3000[sup]TM[/sup] Home Spay/Neuter Kit! Cuts thru a brick, yet glides thru your cat’s abdominal wall just as easily as that. It would be a pleasure to use an nice sharp knife again, wouldn’t it now?
But wait - there’s more! If you act now, you get the Ginzu 3000[sup]TM[/sup] steak knives - the Ginzu 3000[sup]TM[/sup] hack saw - the Ginzu 3000[sup]TM[/sup] combination razor and linoleum cutter - AND the Popeal Pocket Piercing Punch! Never pay for tedious, expensive nose, lip, or eyebrow piercings again!
NOW how much would you pay? But wait - order in the next fifteen seconds and THERE’S EVEN MORE!..
. . .we’ll include a big three-ounce tube of ZippyClean! Yes, the same ZippyClean you’ve seen in department stores selling for up to $49.95 a tube!
ZippyClean removes unsighlty grease, grime, stains, mold, mildew, paint, skin, age spots, and dirt from just about any surface with no wiping! That’s right, no wiping! And it leaves behind a pleasant tuberose scent that’s now less migrane-inducing than ever!
Now how much would you pay? Don’t answer yet because. . .
… for a limited time only, you can get original signed and numbered lithographs of U.S. Presidents and their Dogs, suitable for framing. They’ll make a fine addition to your library or den. They also make the perfect wedding gift for that hard-to-buy-for couple.
Hair Two Way? With this revolutionary device can remove the unsightly hair on your legs and underarms, yet you can use that same hair to cover up your bald spot! Imagine, your wife can go the the reunion with smooth silky legs and you can go with a full head of hair! Using technology developed for…
our armed forces, Hair Two Way painlessly removes your unwanted hair folicles. Then just rub Hair Two Way over your scalp, to implant your new vital, sexy, head of real growing hair. (underarm hair straightening kit sold separately). To style your new hair simply…
the jungle of Tanzania. Koko the gorilla demonstrates how “Hair Two Way” can be transplanted from your legs, armpits and other unsightly hairy places to your head in just minutes. Notice how Koko rubs the patented “Hair Two Way” hair removal pad under areas where hair is not wanted and then transfers it his hair. Then using the patented Brush and Go system he simply…
. . .presses the button to remove the orange’s skin, take out the seeds, and extract the nutritious juice and pulp in one simple motion.
The rind and seeds fall into the easily-removable and dishwasher safe collection container while the lifegiving juice flows through this tube into the solid stainless steel juice cup.
With the VitaTrex 9000 you can juice oranges, apples, banannas, avacados, pomegranites, and any fruit that can be squished. You can bake bread, make health shakes, and enjoy delicious fruit smoothies. You can. . .
even mow your lawn with this amazing, flexible machine. We have a very satisfied customer who writes to us from the quiet suburbs of Outer Mongolia:
“Dear sirs, I just love all 7 of the Relaxatrons we ordered last year. We bought one in each color (the tangerine one is my favorite). We use them for practically all our farming and beauty needs. Why just last week we strapped two together and rode in style all the way to Inner Mongolia with only two accidents worth mentioning. All the extras that come with our Relaxatrons are incredibly useful (and tasty!) The very sharp knives are particularly handy when the Horde comes to visit and the VitaTrex 9000 never fails to entertain when the fire goes out. I look forward to your next incredible offer. Yours Truly, (name withheld)”
Isn’t that wonderful folks? Please, take the time and listen to other testimonials from these satisfied rubes, er clients:
“Dear Relaxatron 3000,
You are the best. You have made my life complete. I used to be shy and lonely and covered with unsightly hair and blemishes. But now I am beautiful and popular and a star of stage and screen. If I can do it, anyone can! Thank you for your wonderful product!
P.S. OK, Here’s your stupid unsolicited testimony. Are you satisfied? Now call off your mad-dog legal staff and let me get on with my life!”
Ha ha ha! What a kidder! She’s just miffed because we’ve added another bonus to this offer! Would you believe it if I told you that you’ll also get…
I’ve got to say that I’ve never been so pleased. He’s now soft, sexy, and smells of tuberoses! I was thrilled to take him with me to my high school reunion!"
Now listen to that folks, you can’t make up a testimonial like that! And for a limited time, when you order the Relaxatron 3000, we’ll include a special set of 100 special cards. Not prayer cards, not playing cards, not recipe cards, but…