Introducing the the most amazing revolutionary kitchen appliance that will change your life forever! Megatron 5000, the newest product from the Acme Corporation, will virtually replace all of your household appliances. It slices, dices, bakes, broils, washes dishes, irons shirts, and in a pinch will even double as…
(Add as much or as little verbage as you want but leave it so someone else can continue. Let’s see how ridiculous and far-fetched this can get.)
… a car! That’s right ladies and gents, if your normal car won’t start this wintry season, the Megatron 5000 is the product for you. It’s great as a gift for familiy and friends. Just press this red button here and voilá instant transportation, but that’s not all, open the hood and see…
…the awesomely delicious Julienne Potatoes! That’s right, it slices it dices, it…
minces, chops, and muddles mint for a Julep on a hot summer day. That’s right, now you can have a refreshing mint julep without having to go to the racetrack! And as a special bonus to our viewers, we will throw in not one, not two, not three, but four PVA mops that we couldn’t sell on our last infomercial. And a super shammy that absorbs ten times its weight in water. TEN TIMES! If that’s not a deal, I don’t know what is. But in case we haven’t convinced you…
… watch as the lovely Mimi LaRusse demonstrates this special bonus feature! All she has to do is twist the lever, and…
the Megatron 5000 is now ready to use as evening wear. Yes, if you are in a rush to get everything ready for that dinner party and just don’t have time to dress, simply unfold the Megatron 5000 and put it on. Just imagine how envious your friends will be when they see you serving your main course that was prepared in the very same evening gown that you have on!
Order now and get the Megatron 5000 now for just 6 easy payments of $39.99.
Place your order during this infomercial and receive this bonus gift…
…The Super Jumbo Deluxe!
Hundreds of uses! Use your imagination!
In the car! On the boat! While hiking or camping!
Not made of flimsy aluminum like some of the cheaper models! Won’t bend in your backpack or crumple in your glovebox!
The Super Jumbo Deluxe is made of 100% US Steel!
Rustproof! Flameproof! Waterproof!
Comes with a handy clasp-ring to attach to your toolbelt or purse-strap!
Made with a new ‘Rezilion’ grip, the Super Jumbo Deluxe actually increases the torque power of your hand!
You can use it ANYWHERE because NO electricity at ALL is required for the Super Jumbo Deluxe!
Caught in the rain? NO PROBLEM!
Flat tire? NO PROBLEM!
Mending a fence? NO PROBLEM!
Creating cold-fusion? NO PROBLEM!
Now, with this handy optional extension, your Super Jumbo Deluxe can be used up to TEN FEET AWAY!
Order yours TODAY!
But wait! There’s more!!
If you order within the next ten minutes, you get a free additional CD, containing the great love songs of the 1970’s! That’s right, you get it all, and all you need to send are 4 payments of…
…$79.99! And the first ten customers to call will receive the amazing new…
TrophyFickle2000!, it comes with 5 detachable heads, each depicting a different sporting activity headgear. Instead of an engraving, the base is inlaid with 100% Genuine, easily replaceable pad of post-it notes. Tired of being darts champion? Just rip of the post-it note, write a new inscription and use one of nine detachable arms holding such varied sports equipment as snooker cues, baseball bats and rodeo lasso.
You will never need to buy yourself another trophy!
You can throw out all your old trophies giving yourself More Shelf Space!!
Made out of tastefull golding and diamontique studding this beautiful item wouldn’t look out of place in anybodys office, boat or camper home.
Take advantage of this offer and you will also get…
… the Voltron 2000! When broken into its component parts, the new VOLTRON consists of 15 EXPLORATION VEHICLES specially designed for planetary investigation. Though these vehicles were very efficient at their designated tasks, they hardly appeared to be a formidable adversary.
It is for this reason that when the mighty Drule Attack Ships swooped down upon them, their Evil Commanders anticipated little resistance.
Imagine their surprise when these 15 humble Exploration Vehicles flew together and suddenly transformed into an awesome Super-Robot: VOLTRON, DEFENDER OF THE UNIVERSE! Piloted by its dashing captain, JEFF, the mighty VOLTRON swiftly unleashes its incredible power, defeating the numerically superior Drule Forces, and filling the air with its resounding battle cry: "LET'S GO VOLTRON FORCE!" The surprised Drules head quickly for home to lick their wounds - and plot their revenge.
But that’s not all it does!
It also, that’s right folks, you guessed, doubles as a home protection device. Live in the bad part of time? Or a rich suburb laden with crooks, as all of them are? Well no problem any more folks, the Voltron 2000 is the ultimate home protection device. It wires every doorknob with a 100,000 volt current to shock the hell out of intruders or to wake you up a bit during that late night piss, amazing folks a deal like this can not be passed up. Jump on the bandwagon and order yours today.
OH shucks call now and we’ll even throw in a . . .
Food procesor! The Voltron 2000 Food Processor features a continuous flow food chute that expels chopped food into the 1.5-cup bowl and a continuous on and pulse control. A chopping blade that also minces and mixes and a reversible disc for slicing and shredding are included…
But that’s not all you’re getting, folks. It gets better. Free of charge, we’ll throw in a roll of paper napkins. As we know our food processor doesn’t have a lid so it makes a mess, but you’re kids will love it and you’ll be able to teach them how to clean at the same time. Imagine the educational opportunities folks . . .
especially since you’ll be getting a full 12 tome Encyclopedia Brittanica! That’s right, at no extra cost you’ll get all 12 books, act now and we’ll include…
A midget, that’s right people, at no extra charge you get yourself a midget fully trained in the operation of every included device. Have no kids, don’t worry, the midget will clean up the messes too. Along with the midget comes the newest . . . .
…wife beater accessory kit, including hair net, tattoo sticker, toothpick and…
…wife beater accessory kit, including hair net, tattoo sticker, toothpick and…
Set of golf clubs! That’s right, kiddos, we’re throwing in a set of gold clubs, but only to the first 100 people to call within the next 60 seconds. So, go ahead, call us at…