Flew off the handle, now feeling guilty. Need closure!

I’m pretty sure I’m the jerk in this situation, but it’s bugging me WAY too much, and I need some closure.

About 2 months ago, I got into an altercation of sorts with one of the dads from daycare. My kid and his kid are in the same class, and I’d actually just recently become friends with his wife – she and I were pregnant at the same time, and we had our babies just weeks apart. She’d come over to my place for lunch and maternity-mom chat just a few weeks prior to the altercation! She and I really hit it off, and I was looking forward to getting our husbands together as well for a family dinner night. But I’d never officially met the dad – I knew who he was, has seen him at day care, but we’d never formally met.

But then came that fateful morning. I’d had about three hours of sleep total, with the new baby keeping me up all night. I was a mess – still in my pjs, dropping off my eldest at daycare with the baby SCREAMING from the backseat. I was ready to start pulling my hair out. All I wanted to do was drop off Li’l smaje and get home with the baby.

Jerk Dad (as I’ll call him here – he probably doesn’t deserve that name, but…) was in the car in front of me and we were both planning on turning right out of the daycare parking lot. As we waited there, a school bus pulled up on the street to our left and started picking up kids, and Jerk Dad didn’t move his car. He had every right to turn right in front of the bus – you’re not supposed to PASS a stopped bus, but in this situation, he could have turned right. But he didn’t. Baby’s screaming in the back seat, and I was like, “Why the FUCK aren’t you turning???” and so I laid on the horn. He waved me off, as if to say, “Nope, I’m not turning.” So I laid on the horn again and waved my hands wildly. He finally turned, and then when I turned and was stopped in traffic, he pulled up to me, rolled down his window (and I rolled mine down too) and angrily said, “Li’l smaje’s mom, that was really rude,” and then he said something that I’m pretty sure was, “I was on the phone!”

Now, I may have misheard that last part, and I hope I did, because what the fuck? Don’t honk my horn at you because you’re on the phone? But I was flaming pissed off now, especially because he had called me “Li’l smaje’s mom” and not my actual name (which I assumed he knew because I was friendly with his wife).
He drove off and I started bawling in the car, just bawling and screaming and crying. I cried all the way home. I had a complete nervous breakdown that day. Luckily, I turned to friends and my fantastic support group, including my doctor, and I’m doing much better at coping (plus, baby is only waking me up once a night now).

The next time I saw him, it was about a month later. I hadn’t spoken to his wife since the last time we’d hung out, so I assume he told his wife about the altercation and for one reason or another, she decided to cease contact with me. But he walked right up to me in the lobby of daycare and IN FRONT OF MY CHILD told me I had been very rude, and that I should be ASHAMED of myself for the way I acted (for honking my horn at him?). And he fucking called me “Li’l smaje’s mom” again. And I poured on the sugar – I told him I was so very sorry, that it had been a horrible morning, that I had a screaming baby in the car, and I was so very very sorry. I meant it, but I was still pissed off at him for HIS actions. But it was obvious he didn’t think he was in the wrong in any way. He was taken aback a b it by my apology, and just kinda nodded and said, “Well, good.”

Now I can’t handle seeing him. We ran into each other this morning at daycare again and he just makes me so uncomfortable. I really despise him, and I despise my actions too, and it’s like every time I see him, I’m reminded of the fact that I flew off the handle. And his wife is friendly with me, but tension feels high between us too, and we haven’t hung out at all since the incident. I saw them both at a birthday party yesterday, and it almost ruined my time. Just seeing one or both of them makes me feel awful, and I want those feelings to stop.
I’ve already apologized, and I really can’t apologize again – especially since I feel that he was in the wrong as well (not just for his douchy driving, but for the way he acted towards me afterwards). But I just want closure on this stupid thing so I don’t feel awful every time I see either of them! I almost wish the wife would say something to me, so that I could at least explain my point of view, but it seems she’s not interested.

TL;DR version  I acted poorly, but so did someone else. I’ve apologized, but I still feel awful whenever I see him. Ruined a potential friendship, and now just feel so uncomfortable. Ugh.

Personally, I think he’s being an ass for bringing it up a second time, this months after he should have gotton over it and for being rude to you in front of your child. While it’s understandable to want to at least try to be friends with everyone in ‘your circle’, sometimes people or circumstances just make it near impossible. Don’t sweat this one and focus your friendship on some of the nicer parents instead. Who knows, maybe at some point down the road events will bring y’all back together again and the relationship turn friendly but if it doesn’t there’s still far more important and relative things to occupy your thoughts and attention now.

Key his car.

You overreacted but it was a very minor event and you apologized, so no big deal, and from everything you say (him shaming you about it way later) he does sound like a real arrogant jerk. I don’t know what else to say other than just ignore them. It’s too bad the friendship between you and the mom probably will never work out now, but you can find other friends. Does it really have to upset you every time you see him? Who is he? Fuck him.

Honking at someone who has right-of-way but isn’t moving and is blocking your way does not equal “acting poorly” or even flying off the handle. For him to bring it up a whole friggin’ month later, however, puts him squarely into douchenozzle territory.

I have a feeling that, no matter how much you and his wife bonded over sharing similar circumstances during similar time periods, your friendship with her would have been affected by his douchenozzleyness at one point or another. IOW if it wasn’t this incident it would have been another one.

Good on you, by the way, for laying on the apology and pouring on the sugar (love that phrase, by the way!) to the point of taking him aback. *pats **smaje *on the back You did good, honey. You did really good.

I’m starting to think I may have a problem with needing everyone to like me. It’s driving me batty that this guy thinks I’m crazy pants (and a horn honker to boot!) and it makes me sad that his wife has only ever heard his side of the story.

But perhaps it’s time to chalk this one up to lesson learned, and be grateful that I didn’t get my family involved in his jerkitude…

He sounds like a real dillhole.

I’da been like, “I’ll be ashamed for honking my horn if you’ll be ashamed for holding up traffic by farting around in the parking lot entrance.”

edit: If I were you, at future functions, I’d be amiably pleasant to the wife and icily pleasant to the husband, but I’m a jerk like that.

Agreed.

If he treats, you, a total stranger, that way, I have to wonder how he treats his wife.

How far away was the bus from the exit you were waiting at? If it was close, like 20ft or less, and was discharging children, especially younger kids, I might just have waited until it was done and had closed its doors too.

ETA: I see it was picking up kids, but I still wouldn’t have turned directly in front of it either. Doesn’t excuse him scolding you a month later though.

I guarantee your children will grow up and marry each other. So, you better get used to each other! :smiley:

In my experience, with myself, I find that not being able to get passed something, drop it and move on, is often related to not fully owning my part in things. I’m not saying that’s the case for you, only you can know that, clearly. Just an observation, from my own experience, I thought might be helpful.

I was ready to entertain the idea that he had a good reason for not pulling up (maybe he could see something from his view that made it unwise that you weren’t able to see) BUT then he brought it up a MONTH LATER which means he’s a jerkface.

I would have been really annoyed by the “Li’l smaje’s mom” too. Sometimes it is cool when around people you really don’t know, and are trying to get your kid to go “say thank you to Li’l delphica’s mom” but beyond that, I have a name. I hope you worked that in during your sweet as sugar apology. OH BY THE WAY, MY NAME IS SMAJE.

I don’t think you need any closure other than the closure of being relieved that you have no social obligations to these people. Avoid them, politely nod and smile when seeing each other at school or kid events, and don’t spend another minute thinking about it.

What IS your point of view? That when her husband decided to wait for a schoolbus to finish picking up kids before turning into the parking lot, you completely lost your cool and laid on the horn? Then, when he said you were rude, you had a nervous breakdown? And now, 2 months after the fact, you’re STILL mad at him for waiting to make the turn?

He made a decision you didn’t like. Cost you 30 seconds of your day. You wasted 10x as much time just making this one post about the incident. Shit, I’ve wasted more time on my reply than you lost waiting for him to turn.

I’ve gotten some awesome responses here, so thanks everyone for that. It’s good to know that I didn’t seem to misinterpret his behavior as boorish.

elbows, I definitely feel like I’ve got something to feel bad about, but I’m not quite sure what it is. I think I had such a nervous breakdown later that day (not clinically a “nervous breakdown” but it felt pretty close) that I’m misremembering things – like, maybe I freaked out somehow worse than I think I did. In my mind, I honked a few times – maybe in reality I laid on my horn for a full minute. I don’t think I did, but like I said, it was a crazy day.

But since I don’t feel like asking Jerk Dad for his version of the events, I’m just gonna try my best to write this one off. It’s not like I need additional drama in my life. :stuck_out_tongue:
And for the record, the bus was picking up kids, and they were quite a distance from us. It drove me especially crazy that he didn’t turn right immediately, because it’s a busy street and the bus actually blocked off any other traffic next to the bus, so it was very safe to turn. If he was indeed mad because I disrupted his phone conversation, then I’m *really *over this:

BUS ------------------> DRIVEWAY ----> DRIVEWAY WITH JERK DAD

Not that it makes a difference at this point, but there’s polite horn honking and there’s rude horn honking.

A nice little tap on the horn to give the guy a heads up is perfectly fine. Laying in on the horn for a prolonged amount of time is rude. And quite frankly, would stick in my craw too. But I’m fairly confident that I would be over it in like 5 minutes. For him to hold a grudge over it a month later, is over the top insane.

I’m sorry you learned it the hard way, as I’d be beating myself up too. But there are certain places you don’t honk your horn. School, work and church are at the top of the list. Any place you’re going to see those people regularly.

I almost hit the horn heading into my work parking deck one day, stopped myself, and only then realized it was a member of my team who would’ve been the recipient of my ire.

I’m guessing—and please correct me if I’m wrong—that you kinda feel bad for not apologizing right after it happened?

It’s time you stop beating yourself up. Even though a month is a long time, you did apologize, so if the dad’s got his panties still up his butt about it, it’s on him. And as for your feelings, all you can do is say over and over to yourself “live and let live”. Everyone is entitled to flip out now and again. Both you and him.

I think I would have apologized to him the next time we met, if only he hadn’t railed into me twice – once in the street where it happened, and then afterwards in front of my kid. I ended up apologizing to him only because I wanted to smooth things over, but I bristled internally.

But yes, I did indeed lay on my horn – no polite honking. First time I honked, it was a normal, “Hey, you can go” honk. Second honk was serious. I’m thinking he maybe didn’t know if was legal for him to turn. And trust me, we were far enough from the school bus that he could legally turn.

And my only excuse for honking was a SCREAMING BABY WHO WOULD START SCREAMING EVERY TIME THE CAR STOPPED FOR EVER A SPLIT SECOND. I know that’s not his problem, but fuck it, I wanted him to turn, he had the legal right to turn, and for some reason he didn’t turn. Then he admonished me – *twice *-- like I was a little girl. Yeah, I think I’m done worrying about him.

Send them a holiday card and then you can feel like you’ve done what you can, and then let it go.