Flight manual for any future manned deep space missions

Addendum: In fact, there are never two crew members. If you believe there are two crew members, you are in fact suffering from space madness, and imagining the second. Note that this means any evil plan the “other” crew member is attempting to implement - for example, crashing your ship into a city, ejecting the cryosleep pods filled with colonists and puppies, etc - is actually your evil plan. Best thing for all concerned is that you just use the airlock.

Remove from the cockpit and refuse to discuss any and all items that connect you emotively to your home planet, family photographs, collection car brochures, plans for retirement, etc…
Chances of being killed during the mission increase by 95% if this directions are not followed.

In the Orion’s Arm online universe, one occupation is Derelict Spaceship Salvager, and it’s one of the most hazardous possible occupations. The least you can expect is that the ship’s computer AI will regard you as an enemy.

Oh, and by the door to the computer core always keep a stone ax.

Which might still be worth it, if she’s Sigourney Weaver.

Yes, that was the implication


According to a new regulation passed, if any crewman, passenger or temporary mission specialist demonstrates an illogical desire to retreive some sort of alien artifact, change course, perform an experiment, return to a doomed ship or facility or otherwise passionately insists on taking what appears to be a pointless and unnecessarily dangerous course of action, the captain authorized and encouraged to use deadly force.

Test the emergency override that is supposed to take control of the controls away from the computer/AI and give control of the controls back to you. Test it again. Insist that the design include wires that connect the computer/AI to the controls so that you can cut the wires and get control.

Also, find the OFF switch for the computer/AI. Shutdown, hell, I want that puppy off NOW!

Make sure that you have triple redundant auxiliary power in case of all those pesky aliens who always seem to want to cut off main power.

No matter how small the craft, the flight computer will always allow enough reserve fuel to include the weight of a young girl on any trip. Heck, make it 100 kg just to be sure.

If on some mysterious planet you find the perfectly preserved tech of a lost civilisation that became extinct under unfathomable circumstances, leave it alone. Plainly it didn’t keep them from becoming extinct, yes?

This reminds me to make sure to have plenty of Tang onboard. :smiley:

If it’s ugly or dark colored, kill it. If it’s beautiful or pastel colored, screw it.

When meeting an alien race for the first time, never forget to ask yourself: how can we make money off them?

Except for Earth, all other planets are very simple to classify using the universal adjective+planet standard, e.g. prison planet, mining planet, lava planet, etc. Oh, the entire planet usually has uniform weather too.

Figure out the best way to get to the manual release. It doesn’t matter what it is, anything manual will be outside the ship, the further point away from a door, and probably the same side that the bad guys are attacking from.

While you’re at it, install a plastic guillotine on those wires, with a remote control disguised as something you can carry with you at all times. And on the power wires to the computer, too.

If your spaceship carries explosives (probability = 99%+), make sure you get rid of all digital timers with oversized readouts. These are necessary if bad guys need to blow shit up, but are an optional extra for good guys.

Actually I remember what was probably a made for Sci-Fi Channel (pre SyFy) film from a long time ago where the pilot of a small disposable landing pod on a mission to deliver some rare and critical vacine or something finds a stowaway girl. Well the pod DIDN’T have enough fuel to land safely with the weight of the stowaway girl. So the story is basically the two of them fruitlessly trying to figure out how to lighten the pod to avoid the obvious moral conundrum.

That’s why I’d put it in the manual. The original story is The Cold Equations by Tom Godwin. I think it’s had a couple screen adaptations, including an old Twilight Zone episode.

Never set the cat on fire.

At the very first sign that things may not be hospitable on the planet you’ve been sent to “to save the colonists”, take of immediately and nuke the site from orbit.

That’s not even a joke. Great science fiction authors (Heinlein especially comes to mind) have repeatedly pointed out that when you get right down to it, a rocket is fundamentally just a semi-controlled explosion.

[li]Kill it. Kill it with fire.[/li][/ul]