Flight manual for any future manned deep space missions

In the spirit of films like Alien/s/3/ect, 2010, Sunshine, Event Horizon, Pandorum, Lost in Space and a million others, I’ve put together this pre-flight checklist/flight manual. Feel free to add onto it:

-Map of ship’s layout (including ventilation duct systems). The ship is surprisingly large, given the size of the crew
-Test self destruct system
-Test life support shutoff preventor pre-flight
-Test life support pod deep-space jetison prevention system pre-flight
-Inspect and perform regular maintenance on the escape pod Controlled Landing System
-Be aware that there is no such thing as a ‘derelict spacecraft’ and they typically DO NOT contain hot underwear clad female crew in hypersleep.
-Be aware that one of the crew will probably work for The Company and will place their interests ahead of the rest of the crew.
-Be aware that one of the crew will probably be suffering from ‘space madness’. (Note that if there are only two crew members, that crewman is YOU)
-If you are not having sex with the token female crew member after a major crisis occurs, your survivability is reduced by 75%.
-Make sure at least TWO crewmen are aboard the ship at any time. Not every away mission has access to a transmitter and an android who is qualified to pilot the other dropship remotely.
-ALWAYS use a safety tether during a space walk.

You forgot to include a dozen rolls of duct tape.

  • For every derelict spacecraft or abandoned colony, there’s something that killed the crew. If you don’t know what that something is, keep your distance!

Stowaways will be thrown out the airlock immediately.

Don’t go back for the cat.
In an emergency, put the kid in charge.

Exactly how do you “Test self destruct system”?

  • Test the emergency manual shutdown switch for the ship’s computer/artificial intelligence. Test the backup emergency manual shutdown switch for the ship’s computer/AI. Test the secondary backup emergency manual shutdown switch for the ship’s computer/AI.

-Exterior inspection to ensure regulation application of service paint scheme.
-Test compound light-ventilation system.

If you’re on the Starship Enterprise, don’t put on or even BRING your red shirt.

I’ve always wondered why a spaceship would need a self destruct system.

It’s so some other team of jerks don’t come by ten years later and find your “abandoned” craft full of killer mutants, dangerously malfunctioning AI, insane crew or space viruses.

Preferably from a safe distance.

And specially important, check the tertiary redundant AI shutdown switch, the one the AI doesn’t know exists (hopefully).

*DO NOT * let the cat near the history eraser button.

[ul]
li burnt out crewman + (1) powered exo-skeletal cargo lifter = (1) platoon of battle-hardened Colonial Marines. [/li][li]“If it bleeds, we can kill it.” – However, it probably has a self-destruct device that will vaporize anything in a 200 meter radius.[/li][li]If you’re going to kill a Mondoshawan, kill them all.[/li][li]The alien has the ability to infect or imitate any member of the crew, so isolate yourself on the bridge and threaten to detonate the reactor core until everyone submits a blood sample.[/li][li]If you spew out enough technobabble sooner or later you’ll come across a workable solution, or at least, discover an entirely new particle/novel method of faster-than-light travel/physical principle.[/li][li]“Didn’t you guys ever watch the show?” i.e. those cute little aliens are going to become mean, nasty, and extremely dangerous real soon.[/li][li]When in doubt, take off your shirt. [/li][/ul]

And chewing gum. Don’t forget the chewing gum!

Always remember that your spaceship is 2 cubic miles of millions of metal and space-age polymer parts hurtling through space powered by a transwarp megareactor all assembled by the lowest bidder

The shutdown system is located in some dark, dangerous corner of the ship, under the service ducts on the opposide of the ship on Sublevel 5, up ladder to the top of the 100 ft shaft, under the nuclear exhaust port and right on through the chompers. Just where you want some expendable crewman to be able to quickly get to it in an emergency.
Caution. Safty railings for all the open shafts and command mezanines were not in the budget.

If, after a major crisis, you are having sex with the underwear clad female found in hypersleep aboard the derilict spacecraft, you are about to be eaten…

and not in a good way.

If the slighty unstable computer designer removes the failsfe you ‘secretly’ installed on the very unstable AI and then acts smug about revealing this fact to you, you are cleared to cockpunch him.

Talk out in advance all the secret codes for being subtly mind controlled, or held at phaser-point, or otherwise unable to speak freely.

Despite the apparent inaccessibility of the shutdown system, it is, in fact, accessible through ductwork that is big enough and sturdy enough to admit said expendable crewman even though he is 6’5" and weighs 230lbs. In fact, it’s big enough that the crewman could probably drive the mobile landrover thingie through it.

The whole spaceship/space station is like a clown car- much bigger on the inside than it is on the outside.

This quality was shared by my 1978 AMC Pacer (which some people thought of as a clown car).

If you are not a major character and are ordered to be in a landing party, say that you left your wallet in your room. Get sick. Say that you have to go to the bathroom really, really, badly.