Back in this thread I asked opinions if I should call my father, whom I haven’t really spoken with in around 20 years.
Here’s the update, though…it’s not what anyone expected:
My father-in-law works at the same company as my father. They don’t work in the same department, and don’t even see each other often (it’s a huge place) so they don’t interact. Well, apparently, a few days ago, my father-in-law had occasion to be introduced to my father. During the meeting he mentioned that his daughter was married to your son. Apparently you could have knocked him over with a feather.
Now the twist.
A day or so later, my father-in-law’s supervisor delivers an envelope to him. In it is my Father’s business card, with “NoGoodNamesLeft, please call me” written on the back.
So, what do I do?
If you don’t want to read the OP, I will tell you that I think about calling him every few years or so, and haven’t yet. I’m totally on the fence about this. Should I call? Should I meet? What should I say? Why? Why not?
Has anybody here touched base with a lost relative, or parent? I’d like to know if it worked or didn’t. Why did you or didn’t you?
Also, from the less involved; what would you do? What should I do?
It sounds to me like you want to call him. And I don’t really see any reason why you shouldn’t, if you want to. He wants to hear from you – that’s good. You’re both adults now, and you should be able to relate on an adult level, whether you choose to rehash the past or not.
Call him. It can’t hurt and it can only help. You’ll regret it if you don’t. He’s extending the olive branch and you need to at least acknowledge it, if not for him then for yourself. Start out with a few phone calls and work your way up to a face-to-face meeting. If it turns out bad, all you’ve lost is a couple hours. If it turns out good, you’ve gained a dad.
I did not see my father for twenty five years. From the age of four to twenty nine. My advice to you is to go for it. But don’t expect an instant connection. It has been three years since my father and I have started seeing each other again and it is still slow going. Good Luck.
Life’s too short to waste your time with people who really aren’t your family, simply because they’re biologically related to you. Do you know whether this is his first attempt to get into contact with you? I’d just forget about it, but that’s only me - life isn’t a Lifetime movie.
My mom died when I was six. Years later, I ran into my mom’s sister, my aunt, who asked why I never called her.
Umm, because I was six?
I was close to my aunt as a little kid. I didn’t seem to notice missing her much from around 6 to 10. Later I was a little resentful that she didn’t take a lead and initiate a closer relationship. As an adult, I could now do so, but haven’t.
I really wanted to latch onto her because she would have been a a good mom-replacement. She, obviously, didn’t/doesn’t know how I feel. I don’t think I can reasonably be angry with her for not fulfilling my needs or desires, particularly as she is not aware of them.
So take my advice- I’m not using it.
If you are curious about your dad and what his views are, you should contact him. If you are carrying some resentment that you want to air or wanting to fill an empty feeling spot, call him. If you don’t like him, dump him.
But guard your heart in doing so. Be prepared for anything. From pain and anger to joy and sorrow.
If it comes up, be honest about why you haven’t called, but don’t take it too far. (Sorry, I haven’t read the OP) Don’t make it a matter of excuses, anger or blame. Make it a matter of fact.
Both my ex-husband and my brother were on the father side of your predicament.
From my perspective, it seemed to me that they and their children just could not get together about “what happened.”
The kids could only feel what they felt based on what they experienced as children. The fathers had reasons for doing what they did, but somehow they could just not put themselves in the place of their children to try to understand what the kids went through and why it was so hard to open up to Dad again.
Maybe it would help to imagine a worst case scenario…what’s the worst that can happen if I contact him and what would I do?
You say your father is ill. You might also consider what you might want to say to him while you still can and if it is worth it to give yourself this opportunity.
About the potential genetic disorder: this would make contact more urgent for me, personally, especially if I ever thought I might have kids.
At least you know from his roundabout message that he is open to contact and is not going to force things if you are not interested. This could be self protection for him, but it may genuinely be respect for your feelings.
My parents divorced when I was an infant. I never met my dad until this August, when I was 25, almost 26. Before then, I had heard from him once: 3 days before I gave birth to SnoopyJr in 2000. It was at 2am, he was drunk, and he called and woke me up. I hung up on him.
Lonnnnnnng story short, I met him a few months ago and all went well. (He sobered up, which was one of the major reasons I decided to go through with it. The other major reasons were spiritual.) In about an hour I’m heading over to my grandmother’s place and spending Thanksgiving with that side of the family, who turned out to be a pretty cool bunch of people.
You should call your dad. Yes, he screwed up. No, he doesn’t “deserve” to have such a fine offspring such as yourself in his life. Life is too short, though, to hold a grudge. You said in the other thread he’s sick. Let him make his peace with you. Everyone deserves a second chance.
I’d advise you to call him. My father and I haven’t kept in touch at all well throughout the years, and I would so love to have the opportunity to really develop a relationship with him again. He’s got a history of moving without letting anyone know. I spent years trying to track him down, but he never stays in place for very long. He moved from Alabama to Florida to Nevada to Kentucky to Oklahoma before he contacted my brother to let him know where he was. I saw him for the first time in about ten years last year. He was in Alabama visiting relatives, and I went there to see him. We spent what I thought was a great day together and then in the morning when I woke up, he’d left. We spoke on the phone a few times after that and then he came up to visit me (an 1800 mile drive) and stayed a total of seven hours. Now he’s moved again, Og alone knows where. You’ve got a father who actually wants you in his life. By all means go for it, kid! Yes, you two have some issues to work out, and yes it’s going to be a challenge, but I have a hunch it will turn out to be a completely worthwhile endeavor. Good luck!
I had a rocky relationship with my father. I did not speak to him at family functions unless I had to, and I rarely visited (and then only because I wanted to see my mother). At the beginning of October, we had a baby shower for my sister and I had a civil conversation with him and even gave him a hug when I left. He had a heart attack the next day.
I called my father after not speaking to him for 20 + years.
He seemed happy to hear from me. I called a couple a more times. Each time he said he would call ME on a particular day, but never did. After a while I came to a realization. If he didn’t care enough to make ONE lousy phone call, fuck him.
Thanks, Hyperjes. I was trying to find a thread where somebody has gone through this before, and how it went. That has go tto be one of the best threads I have ever read on these boards. WOW!
I think I’m going to call. I haven’t decided what to say or do yet, but I think I’m going to do it.
I am glad you are planning to call him. I got in touch with my fathre after years of separation and never regretted it. I only wish I had done it sooner–he died suddenly of a heart attack only days after we saw each other.
Don’t expect too much, but if he wants to talk to you, that’s a good sign, IMHO.