Food that should not exist.

Not to be confused with food you don’t like, or can’t understand why other people like. This is about food that nobody likes and should therefore be sent merrily into oblivion. Does anyone anywhere ever like those dry ass powdered doughnuts sold in the shit section of the grocery store? You know what I’m talking about. The little ones that you can’t seem to find them anywhere, except in your local chain grocer’s bullshit aisle, alongside Twinkies, those little fruit pies, and other such affronts to human decency. Now mind you, I get why Twinkies exist, though during the Hostess flap, several of my more sanctimonious friends made a great show of announcing their distaste for said Twinkies. Lots of “Good riddance!” Facebook posts. Whatever, I don’t eat them either, but shut up already. Other people do.

But nobody likes those dry ass doughnuts. Why do they even exist? The same goes for the “chocolate” covered and plain companions that are typically sold in the same package. A quart of milk is not enough to wash down those crumbly, perennially stale-tasting, dry-as-dirt food items.

So my contribution to the list of Food That Should Not Exist is those terrible, just awful doughnuts.

Please continue the list. Thank you.

Knock-off Cheez-Its.

You aren’t Cheez-Its. You aren’t even CLOSE.

Disgusting. Worse, when the store for whatever reason doesn’t have Chees-Its, I’ll give you one. more. chance. And you always fail me.

I’m looking at YOU, Cheese Nips.

Are you talking about those doughnuts covered with powdered sugar, such as Hostess or Enteman’s sells?

I love them.

I do. The little powdered donettes are awesome.

The fake chocolate frosted ones I could do without.


i bought fred meyer branded cheez-its a few months back and after giving them two tries didn’t touch the box ever again. regular cheez-its don’t last more than a few days in my house.

Thrills gum. The gum that looks like pink Chiclets, but tastes like soap. Seriously, soap is cheap; just add some to a regular piece of gum, if that’s what floats your boat.

Oh my god, are you two serious?! Not even kidding - I am laughing out loud pretty hard. I did not think anyone existed who seriously liked those things. I thought Hostess (or whoever) was making those just to fuck with us.

Edit: Directed at the lovers of those mini dry ass powdered doughtnut, of course.

C’mon now, they’re great to pop in your mouth so you can blow attic insulation onto your sister. After breakfast my younger one had a value of R-38.

Re: powdered donuts

There is a huge difference in quality between the little rolls of 6 donuts, and the large bags of Hostess Donettes.

The Donettes tend to be moist and taste like cake, where the rolls are indeed bland and dry.

As for the 6 pack donuts. I get the cheap-ass brand-I’ve-never-heard-of-before donuts because they are better than the Hostess ones.

Low-fat cheese. Tastes and feels like plastic. Just cut corners somewhere else in your diet and have real cheese.

Same for tofu. I like tofu and eat it regularly. But, please stop trying to make tofu look and taste like meat. It is not meat. When I want meat, I have it. Stop with the tofurky nonsense. Fake meat sucks, tofu does not.

Whole canned chicken. Just…just look at it. It’s sickening, it’s…it’s wrong.

Chit’luns (chitterlings to y’all yanks)

Growing up in the south, my mother and gran and whatnot always made (I refuse to call this war crime cooking) this atrocity and tried to convince me it was edible. “Tradition” and “culture” have A LOT to answer for.

An abomination.

The trick to the dry-ass donuts is to heat them in the oven until the powdered sugar melts and forms a crust then eat them hot. They briefly turn into a totally different food-like item.

Vienna sausages. Has anyone intentionally purchased and eaten these since 1975?

So I’m talking about those small doughnuts that often to come in a box along with fake chocolate doughnuts and plain versions, but I’ve seen them sold separately. The doughnuts themselves are just as dry as their “chocolate” covered counterparts, except for some reason, some genius decided to add powder to something already severely lacking in moisture.

Ugh, I would rather not eat cheese at all. What is the point of this?

Oh god, this cannot be unseen!

And of course a couple years ago there was the cheeseburger in a can, which inspired the tagline “my can has cheeseburger”.

Yes, they’re my guilty pleasure. I only purchase them at Aldi, and I generally alternate between them and sardines.

When I lived in England ('76–'77), I would sometimes buy “hamburgers” from a street vendor on the way home from the pub. These burgers, however, came from a can and had the same red-dye coloring that generic hot dogs have. They were packed in some kind of liquid (not even gelatin), and to this day I have no idea of what meat they were made of.

Acceptable after you’ve had a few beers, but not otherwise.

Yep, Loves me some crack donuts!

OTOH, Does anybody really like fruitcake?

I’m in complete agreement about Cheese Nips. Those things are an abomination. However, my local dollar store sells a store brand cheese cracker that I vastly prefer over Cheez-Its. They are crispy and salty with a sharp cheddar taste and they are delicious.