For Sale – a less-than-Perfect-Child – cheap. Will deliver.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Hush. If plnnr can do it, so can I.

Today is a Teacher In-Service day, so the kids are off. Last week, mine asked if she could have some friends spend the night. We discussed the fact that I have to work and she promised me I’d get my requisite sleep. She wouldn’t lie to me, right? Right?

There were 5 of them, including mine. It was Girls’ Night Out in my living room – pizza, chips, cookies, tea lights, sleeping bags, pillows, fuzzy slippers, and a stack of DVDs. When I went to my room, I told them that I was going to watch TV for a while, and I reminded them that I had to get up at 5 AM, so they needed to keep it down. I also pointed out, for the benefit of the two who’d never been over before, that my bedroom was right next to the living room and it shared a wall with the entertainment center. Then I retreated and left them to do whatever teenage girls do when they’re buzzing on sugar and caffeine.

At 10:30, I turned off the TV, and reminded them that I had to get up at 5, so I needed quiet. Bear in mind, these girls are all Honors/AP/IB students at one time or another. They’re polite, friendly, normal looking, and generally good kids. They seemed to be intelligent and considerate. At 11:30, I asked them again to hold it down. At midnight, I told them to go to the kid’s room. It was finally quiet, except for whatever was yowling in the woods outside my window. I fell asleep.

Then I heard this gawd-awful clanking. They were loading the dishwasher. My heart stopped – was I late for work? Was it 6AM? 7AM?? I managed to semi-focus on the closest clock radio. Barely 4. I’d had less than 4 hours of sleep. I dragged my sorry self to the door and read them the riot act.

My heart was pounding by this time and there was no way I was going to get any more sleep. Besides, my alarm was poised to do its duty. So I showered, dressed (I’m more or less coordinated in green), packed my lunch, and left. I got to the office nearly an hour early. I will leave nearly an hour early.

Now, in and of itself, this is bad enough, but there are more things involved. The Perfect Child[sup]TM[/sup] is supposed to take her dad’s car to the dealer to get a recall repair done. She has to be there by 9. Then she goes to work from 1-4. Then back to work from 7-midnight. And tomorrow, she’s taking the PSAT. Well, we really didn’t expect her to get a National Merit Scholarship, but now that’s pretty much down the toilet anyway.

It’s just after 6. I’ve had my McBreakfast and I’m slurping down a fully-caffeinated Diet Coke. My hair is wet. Carl Kasell just finished reading his part of the news. It’s going to be a loooooong day.

Take my daughter, please.

2

Lot of that going around, these days.

3

Sneaks in

Reads OP

Looks guilty

Sneaks out

4

I’ll trade you a 12 year old boy who can smell his drivers license, he swears it’s so close, and a 3 month old kitten that purrs at about 80 db at 3:30 in the morning. Getting someone that knows how to pick up dishes and load them into the dishwasher would be a definite plus!

But you gotta take the trombone with the boy - it’s a package deal!

5

Sorry, Ralf, age 12 was five years ago. Mine is off to college in less than 2 - if I gotta have a kid, I’ll keep the short-termer. And the trombone is a definite dealbreaker - unless you want the dalmatian with the girl. Have your negotiator call my negotiator.

6

FairyChatMon, dear, just remember that The Perfect Child [sup]TM[/sup] will someday choose your nursing home.

[sub]and that day ain’t too far in the future[/sub]

:: D & R :: far far away

7

Fairygirl, you tell me if you want me to whoop swampbear’s ass, 'cause I would be MORE than glad to.

::shaking head at swampy::

With Love - GfH (who is turning 34 in a couple weeks; therefore, does not appreciate age jokes)

:slight_smile:

8

I may be willing to consider a trade. Would you be interested in a 3 1/2 year old that spray painted the neighbors car?

9

Here’s an inspired idea for Ralf, Kamikazee, and everyone else with incorrigible offspring - let’s just ship them all to swampbear!! Can you name a man who deserves such darlings more than he??

Thanks for the offer, GfH, but I know how to handle that scruffy Georgian!

[sub]C’mon down to Jax, swampboy, and I’ll give you what-for!![/sub]

10

FairyChatMom, you’re a genius!!!

<Ralf runs off to find a box big enough for a trombone - and a 12 year old boy>

11

Hey, get your own gig! I’m working this side of the street!

12

With all due respect FCM, did you really think there was even the remotest possibility that you would have a restful sleep with 5 teenage girls at a slumber party, when your bedroom is right next to the TV center, just because you asked them to hold it down?

That’s like asking Robert Downey, Jr. to watch your stash for you.

Funny how just as they become old enough to ship off to the army, they are old enough to decide they don’t want to go.

Abe Babe, who dreads his daughters’ teenage years.

13

I don’t know if I can take the kid off your hands, but I would be happy to go in with a package deal:

I will throw in my charming two-year-old daughter, a.k.a. The Bowling Ball (the World is nothing but bowling pins to her), whose favorite phrase, said with a growl, is “MINE - not YOURS!!” and who sees her Ferdinand-the-Duck-from-the-movie-Babe purpose in life to wake us up at 4 in morning growling (literally growling - this kid sounds like Rod Stewart) “Mommy - Mommmmeeeee”.

Think of her as a bonus feature. A free set of ginzu knives, if you will (“wait - there’s MORE!”)

:stuck_out_tongue:

14

[John Belushi/Blues Brothers]

How much for the little girl?

[/JB/BB]

15

[whine]But, Abe Babe, she proooooomised![/whine]

Zebra, I’ve got $10.97 in my pocket, but I’ll write you a check if you just cart her away…

No, wait. She called. She took care of the car and cleaned the kitchen and apologized for waking me. Apparently at 4AM they decided they needed to tidy up so the kitchen would be presentable when I got up. It sounded plausible. I’ve gotta rethink this now.

16

::Ralf senses the deal may be crumbling before his eyes::

OK, OK, FCM. You drive a hard bargain. I’ll take the trombone off the table.

Do we have a deal?

17

Heh, we were always amazed at how lightly our parents slept when I was a teenager. I’ve always run on little sleep and had a tendancy towards nocturnal activitiy. When I was in second or third grade(the grades kind of blur when you’re homeschooled) there were plenty of times I’d be up at two or three in the morning doing the next day’s schoolwork at the kitchen table.(don’t act so suprised, I was desperately wanting to catch up to where my older siblings were in our studies. It’s a true story.) Occasionally a parent would get up to use the restroom and find me up. They’d shake their heads and tell me that I wasn’t going to get a nap tomorrow and I’d have to get up early the next morning, so I better get some sleep. I’d usually finish whatever I was working on then go to bed. Even though I had the lights on and wasn’t trying to be especially quiet(I did close the kitchen doors) they did not wake up because of me, it was something else that always woke them. And yes, I did ask, I was a considerate little tyke, even then.

I’ve always been more nocturnal than the average person. So it was kind of weird to me that when I was in a similar situation to the one your daughter is in FCM that my mom(my father had passed away about a year before) was suddenly an extremely light sleeper. Last year with my friends from high school before we all go to college. We spent the summer nights playing cards and chatting. We’d all bring snacks and twelve packs of Coca-Cola over to whoever was hosting that night. We rotated between four or five different hangouts with about five to seven people being the norm. Much like your Perfect Child[sup]TM[/sup] we did truly do our level best not to disturb the other occupants of the household. Again like your Perfect Child[sup]TM[/sup] we were honors students, AP classes, academic team, debate team, math and science club officers, and one of us actually was a National Merit Scholar. We always cleaned up after ourselves when we left(although loading the dishwasher was as far as we went, running it is too noisy for most models).

What astonished me was that on other nights, I could be up reading, or online, sometimes even have the radio on and Mom would sleep like a baby. When our group of friends came over, and closed ourselves in a room far away from her bedroom which shares NO walls and there were at least three layers of closed doors and several twists and turns that soundwaves would have to make before they would get from us to her, that somehow she was sensitive enough to them to wake up. I could sit in the living room and watch late-night TV or listen to some music while reading. I’d have lights on which would bleed in under her door and only have one layer of doors between us and she’d be fine. But when friends came over and we shut ourselves in the kitchen and played cards, and it’s a strategy-based cardgame(figure the cardboard equivelant of chess), not anything rowdy like poker can get, that suddenly she had the ears of a bat.

:confused:

I tend to believe there is a unconsious facility in parents which gives them heightened awareness when they KNOW their offspring are up, and it makes them lighter sleepers. Now that I have children of my own, I am seeing evidence of it in my own behavior.

Oh well, this too shall pass.

Enjoy,
Steven

18

FCM, one of those Mormon polygamists would probly be happy to adopt her. Then add her to his passel of wives after a few months, but what were you expecting? :wink:

19

Take heart, FCM, my top score on the ACT was achieved while still drunk, and with no sleep at all the night before. Mental and physical condition at test time doesn’t necessarily match up with perfomance on those tests in any obvious way. Not that I’m suggesting that you get her drunk before her test…but you could always wake her really early the next day. :smiley:

20

You’ve got over 5,000 posts and you still haven’t figured out that being abusive of other people’s religions really isn’t what the Straight Dope has ever been about? Shame on you. And, it was an offensive hijack to boot.

:mad:

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