How did you decide when to have another? How did you know you were through having kids? I know everyone is different and to some people one is enough and to others they don’t want to stop at 10, but it would be interesting to hear other people’s stories as my husband and I are in the midst of discussion on whether/when to have a 2nd child.
Of course, I know that planning doesn’t always work, as we had a lot of fertility issues the first time, so who knows what will happen this time. But we are trying to figure it all out. It’s just crazy, as a lot of you know! Most of my friends are still in the midst of having kids or have had the choice taken away from them due to health reasons, and I’d rather talk to people who are finished, because they sort of figured it out for themselves already. (Does that make sense?)
Also, how many of you changed your mind on what you always thought you wanted after you actually had kids? You know, you always wanted 3 kids, and then you had one and stopped! Or maybe got to 3 and wanted even more!
No first-hand info to relay (Kid Kalhoun wasn’t planned), but my parents always said they wanted six kids, and stopped at three for financial reasons. I think each couple’s reality changes with time. Careers, money, physical health, as well as your ability to parent…all of these things an play into the decision you make. What made sense when you first fell in love with your spouse may not make sense today. Ya gotta go with the flow!
I was 35 when Dweezil was born - had been married for ages but our lives weren’t settled enough to plan for one earlier (we’d have managed, if we’d had an oops). We didn’t want to go too long between kids because of the age issues; we figured 2ish years was a good gap so we started “trying” when Dweezil was about a year old.
Wound up taking about a year to “catch” for good that time.
We’d always discussed having 2 kids, it was just the timing that was in question.
We planned when we got married to wait a year and then have a baby. Three years later we adopted our son from Korea.
We planned, during the adoption, that when he was a year old, we’d start another adoption - that should put the kids 18-24 months apart.
Baby Surprise was born six months after he got home.
My girlfriend planned hers two years apart. No fertility issues with the first, the second is six years younger and adopted.
We always wanted two. We got two. Not in any way we planned. There have been about twenty four seconds in total in the past seven years where I’ve thought that maybe a third would be a good idea.
We never really had a plan for the number of kids we wanted, but a few months after our first one was born we decided he was going to be an only child. We were glad to have him, but a baby was a lot of trouble. Juggling careers and child care was difficult, and we missed our leisure time.
A couple of years passed, and we changed our minds. The size of our extended family was growing as our own siblings had kids, and family gatherings became more chaotic, but more fun. We came to appreciate the idea of a slightly larger family. Our second son was born four years after his brother. Sometimes I regret the age gap, but I think it was easier for us to manage.
We have never seriously considered having more than two.
We planned our children, but we got started a little late. We basically decided to do it when I realized I was running out of time, as I was 37 when I had my first one. I had planned to have 2 more in quick succession, but decided to wait a little longer and only have 2 in total. I am now 39 and pregnant with my second, who will arrive about 3 weeks after my 40th birthday.
This happened to my mom, too…she adopted my older brother, then me. Was pregnant with my younger brother before I was 6 months old. Guess you can’t plan everything!
My wife and I held off on having kids until we felt emotionally and fiscally ready for kids. We decided to stop using birth control when we reach the decision we were ready for our first. I was 30 and my wife was 33. In some ways, I now think we waited longer than we needed to and in other ways, I know we were well set fiscally for kids.
We went back to birth control and we went back and forth on when and whether to have another child. I think there is a lot to be said to having only one child. The workload is not twice as hard but more like four times as hard. We both work full time. My wife had taken a six-month leave of absence for our daughter but did not want to take another six-month leave. We finally decided when my daughter was two that we would have a second child. We had to rearrange the house a bit and we had to put off moving to a new house for a few years. After a very short time, my wife was pregnant and my son was born. My kids are about three years apart in age. We made the decision base on the idea that if we were ever going to have another child, we should do so soon as woman over 35 are higher risk for various fertility and pregnancy problems. The other factor was having the kids close enough in age to play together.
We are done. We have a boy and a girl and this is as many kids as we want. We never wanted to have more than one or two kids. Therefore, this plan did not change. We were very indecisive about having a second child.
We are not the best parents in the world, but we are trying to raise them well and prepare them for college. I think we are succeeding.
I hope that helps a little, good luck in whatever decision you make,
Jim
At some point I thought I might have more, but as I went through pregnancy I started thinking thinking one was it. After having him (and yes, he was planned), I felt more certain. I felt like our family worked as a 3-member unit. I also believed that having more children would magnify my parental shortcomings, while at the same time eroding my ability to do well the mom-things I was good at.
I kept an open mind, knowing my feelings might change, but they haven’t so far. I know there are drawbacks to having one child, but there are also drawbacks to having more than one. So far the scale for our family suggests that one child is the better choice for us.
We got married at 31 and wanted a few years together before we started having kids- we had agreed that we wanted 2, preferably a boy and a girl- the order didn’t matter. When we decided to try for our first it took a full year for my wife to get pregnant. When she was a little over a year old, we decided to try for our 2nd, assuming that it would take a year again (my wife was 35 when the first was born and we didn’t want to wait too long due to increased risk). As it turned out, it only took a couple months for her to get pregnant and we had our 2nd (another girl) almost 2 years to the day after the first.
We’re still happy with two; we both would have loved to have a boy but it’s less important to us now. We have two great, healthy kids, and we’re done. I got the ol’ snipperooney 3 months after the 2nd one was born.
Basically, we made the timing decision based on my wife’s age and our level of preparedness to raise a family. My wife worked before our 1st, but has been a SAHM ever since. We’re grateful that this arrangement is possible.
We planned to try in vitro, because my wife has fertility issues. The in vitro didn’t work, so we started looking at adopting from China. It’s a long process, so we thought, “Well, we’ll just have a lot of extra time to prepare for the kiddo.” So we set about getting the paperwork together and getting it all certified and authenticated.
The very day the last authenticated document arrived in the mail, my wife took a pregnancy test. It was positive. She’s due May 3rd.
We’re going ahead with the adoption as well, because we want to. We’ll just have two kids, so close in age they’ll just about be twins. And the schedule is now a whole lot shorter.
Sometimes there’s just no planning these things.
(I took a picture of my wife holding the pregnancy test in one hand, the Chinese paperwork in the other, and making the “AAAHHHH!!!” face, for the future scrapbook. hehe)
Mini2U was not planned. My ex and I were planning on a second, and I did in fact get pregnant, but lost it. After that, we ended up splitting up, and I decided that I didn’t want any more children. I was happy with Mini2U - and frankly, the guy I was with after Mini’s dad had two of his own around my son’s age (2-ish) that I helped him get custody of so I had to take care of them too - and he and I ended up splitting up anyway. Then I got with Mr2U - and ten years ago, my son was six, his son was 18 and frankly, I really didn’t WANT any more children. It was hard enough - I knew that from the time I had to raise my son alone. And I didn’t want to be in a position ever again to have to do that.
Now, it’s moot - we’ve been together ten years and we’re both too old and too tired to have any more. Besides, the one that’s at home (mine) is leaving in a year and a half! Why would I want ANOTHER one?
We planned our kids. We waited until I was almost done with grad school, and then I didn’t want to wait any longer. I got pregnant, but we lost that baby, and it took about 8 months to get pregnant again. So then we had a nice healthy (huge) baby. I had a c-section, and the doctor wanted me to wait 2 years before getting pregnant again. I started getting babylust after about a year, though.
So, we were not quite ready to start trying again, but were discussing it almost exactly two years later, when I skipped a period for the first time in my life. I wasn’t pregnant, but hadn’t started the next cycle of the Pill either, so we figured we might as well start (after waiting for 3 months because I’m paranoid about the leftover effects of the Pill).
I always meant to have more kids–3 was the bare minimum, and in wild flights of fancy I thought about 6. Before we got married, we agreed that we’d have 3 and then see what happened. But, life intervened–DangerDad had a harder time than we’d expected, my stomach muscles were shot, I’d had two enormous babies by c-section and wasn’t sure about my ability to do it again, and most importantly, I became more near-sighted every time I had a baby. I can’t afford to lose a lot more eyesight (I’m -14 and quite likely to need every kind of surgery in the future). So we decided to stop, and if someday we find that we really need another child, we’ll adopt.
At first my husband had to point these things out to me, and I wanted to have a third child for a while. It took me a little while to come around. Now, I am surprisingly OK with this. I’ve always been one of those people who wants to have babies, and I’m still surprised that I’m not consumed with desire for another one.
I had one unplanned one years ago, and his sister (planned) was born when he was 12. So, in many ways, I have two only children. I love it. I have the benefits of having another “adult” around to help out with child care - he can change her, hold her, feed her, play with her, by the time she was a year old we were paying him to babysit so we could go out. (I’ve always been intrigued with the communal idea of raising kids, and boy does it help!) She ADORES him like kids close in age don’t - there’s absolutely no sibling rivalry, because they’re at completely different stages of their lives. He ADORES her because he’s not threatened by her place in our hearts - he’s as smitten with her as we are! He knows that when she’s being a handful, it’s because she’s a baby, not because she’s “mean” or “hates him” or any of the negative interpretation I see younger kids give their sibling’s behavior.
It does make me sad that he’ll likely be grown and out of the house while she’s young enough to miss him, and I just realized that I’ve had one year off stepping on Lego pieces, and it’s about to start all over again, but generally I’m really happy with how it’s worked out.
I don’t know anyone who *plans *to have kids 12 years apart, though! One or the other is always an accident! (Or a remarriage, I guess, but that wouldn’t be planned from the start either.)
Extra bonus: He’s learned how much work a baby is while he’s old enough to appreciate it and young enough to ensure it doesn’t happen to him too soon! When she’s being particularly trying, I look at him and say, “Condoms, Son!” and he goes, “Oh yeah!”
We planned ours. We decided on 2, so they’d always have someone when we were no longer around. We started very late–we got married when I was 35, had one kid when I was 37 and other when I was 40. We wanted them to be about 2 1/2 to 3 years apart and that’s what we got. They’re 5 and 2 1/2 now and mostly get along great.
We thought about another, but decided against it. I’m 42, my husband is 48 and by the time our youngest is 18, we’ll be, well really old. We also thought that, in a couple of years, the younger one will be old enough to take to really cool places and he’ll actually remember them, but if we had a younger one, we’d have to wait some more. And my OB makes unhappy noises about me being ancient and having another pregnancy and C-section. So, two it is.
We got two, both adopted and also from SK. We always planned on two, and two is all we were allowed - we thought.
A few years after our daughter arrived, the agency announced that they would consider applications for a third child. I read the announcement to the Lovely and Talented Mrs. Shodan, who looked me in the eye and growled, “Don’t even think about it.”
Have five, started when I was 25. Sorta planned first one, I knew the drill. Became pregnant with 2nd one, just when I was to the point of “Oh, hey a second one wouldn’t be too bad…oh, never mind, I’m pregnant.” Then a planned pregnancy, ending in a miscarriage. Another planned pregnancy, resulting in a child 2 years after the second. Another planned pregnancy resulting in another child 2 years later. Then a break. 4 kids in 5 1/2 years is a bit…much. Then another miscarriage. Had 5th kid about 3 1/2 years after the 4th. I am now 37, and feel like I don’t want to push my luck. I have 5 healthy, perfect children, and had effortless pregnancies and deliveries. If I got pregnant today, it wouldn’t be the end of the world, but it’s not on my list of things to do.
I was an only child, and I love the bigger family. We have a lot of fun. Surprisingly, I’m pretty good at being a mom.
My wife and I married young and wanted time to grow together and mature as a couple before we started a family. We were married nine years before my son was born. We decided we wouldn’t have another unless we absolutely couldn’t stand having another child. Well, that’s exactly what happened, five years later, my daughter was born. My wife and I probably would have a had a third child, but we are getting to old. But I wouldn’t change a thing, we love our children because we wanted our children.
Ours were both planned. The daughter was conceived probably on the first unprotected attempt. We considered stopping there, but after a few years my wife just really felt strongly that she wanted another kid. I did too. Being older parents my only concern was energy.
We then tried for a while and lost one due to polycystic kidneys, so we went through genetic testing to see if we should even try again. The tests were negative and we eventually had a son. I was 43 and Momma Pagan was almost 40 by that point, so we’re done. As soon as it looked like our son was healthy and whole, I got snipped.
Our oldest was not planned; in fact, she was a year and a half old before we even got married! But when she was about 3, I started thinking “Hey, I’d like another baby”, so I approached hubby with the idea, and he said “Okay”. It took me about three weeks to get pregnant with baby number two. They were both girls, and hubby had always wanted a son, but we both agreed “Two is enough!” Fast forward, though, to the second daughter being six years old, I was 36, and I told hubby “If we’re not having any more kids, one of us ought to get something permanent done!” and he said “We could try one more time for a boy, couldn’t we?” The third one took us much longer to conceive; almost a year. But I had our third (and final) kid when I was 38: another girl!
But she’s very much like her father, and I often tell him she’s the “son he always wanted”.
My first two were planned, as in my partner and I discussed it and decided to forego any birth control and see what happened. What happened each time was that I got pregnant within a day or so, as I am apparently the most fertile person on the planet. (I had done all my research about ovulation and temperature charting and such, but no need.)
My third was not planned, and was conceived while I was on birth control pills. (My OB quipped, “Well, someone has to be in that 1%, and I guess you’re it.” Smart-ass.) Nevertheless, he’s a darling baby, six months old now, and I’m officially spayed. I’m 35, and having three babies in five years has not been easy on me. If my husband and I were younger, we’d probably have one or two more, but we’re tired.
