Forget to forgive?

Great Debates
1

OT: Is it necessary to forget in order to truly and completely forgive?

Background story: I was watching an excellent PBS program (as all PBS programs are) on the late Governor of Alabama, George Wallace. Through his rise up to national prominence as a {shudder} Democratic presidential candidate in 1972 and 1976, his platform of racial division served him well. After he was shot and divorced, he spent a lot of time reflecting on his life and a lot of the hurt he caused, and before running for Governor again in 1978(?), he did a complete turnaround, even going so far as to contact some of the people that he directly hurt during his many years in politics and apologizing and, in effect, asking for forgiveness or absolution. (He won, by the way, mostly because he carried the black vote of the state. It was his last political office; he died in 1998.)

What got me was one of the black civil rights leaders of the time got one of those phone calls, and said, in essence, “I forgive George Wallace, but I will always remember what he did. Forgive? Yes. Forget? Never.”

I was torn by this. Can he truly, ever forgive this man for the hate he bred if he cannot ever forget it? Or is he simply accepting the past for what it was and vowing never to see it repeated?

Having been in this situation, my take has always been, “Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.” And there are instances where I have been able to forgive an offense against me, but I’ve never forgotten it, and I always fear that, perhaps, I haven’t really forgiven them simply because I haven’t forgotten it (and I’m always afraid that, in a moment of anger or argument, I will bring it back up, therefore implying that I really haven’t forgiven them when I’ve said that I had).

I’m also curious what our Christian friends might have to input regarding the “turn the other cheek” and all that.

Esprix

Evidently, I rock.
Ask the Gay Guy!

2

I understand your feelings. I do think you can trully forgive someone without fogetting. I think that the fact you are scared you might bring it up, shows not that you didn’t fogive, but that you trully did forgive, and are only human and afraid that you didn’t. It’s also possible for emotions to change, you can forgive someone, learn more about the circumstances of the original action, and retract that forgiveness. I have forgiven a lot of things people have done out of stupidity. I remeber that they are likely to do those things. And I’m more carefull around those people, but I do forgive them.

history repeats itself, the first time as tragedy, the second time as farce - Karl Marx

3

There have been several points in my life where I was forced to address this issue. I was burning with anger. It was so clear that I had been wronged (my wife at teh time was sleeping with my friend and a year later a close friend stole money from me.)

First of all, you have to learn to completely forgive people just for the sake of self preservation. Hatred you have for another harms only you. Other people don’t feel the hatred as acutely as you do.

From a christian perspective, the Lord forgives and we should model ourselves on Him. But it makes worldly sense as well (see reason #1).

In both of the cases I concluded that I had to forgive the wrongdoers, but to forget would be to myself in further peril. If I knew that someone could intentionally do something so harmfull, how could I ever trust them again. (they showed no remorse at all.)

I would add the caveat that if someone is truly repentant, then you must forget as well. But you have to know that they are not going to do it again. I would reserve this for mistakes rather than intentional acts.

4

To forgive means to let go of resentment. I think it is entirely possible to forgive someone without forgetting what they have done. A personal example-- it took me years to stop resenting an ex-boyfriend for the incredible hurt he had caused me. Over time, I finally managed to stop resenting his actions, as it was only doing damage to me. I have not forgotten what he did, but when I think of him, I don’t feel that sense of anger or betrayal anymore.

I think it can be valuable to forgive without forgetting. You learn lessons from the things that hurt you; sometimes it’s a general thing (i.e. strangers aren’t always trustworthy), sometimes it’s something personal and specific. There’s no sense in ignoring something that has shaped your life, but it does a world of good to stop feeling angry.

“It says, I choo-choo-choose you. And it’s got a picture of a train.”
– Ralph Wiggum

5

You cannot forget any event that a profound impact on your life, good or bad. If you are hurt by someone, you can let go of the anger and resentment. You can begin or renew a positive relationship with that person. But the memory of the event will last. Even if you don’t want it to.

6

Well put.

You know, you and I are agreeing on way too much lately. :smiley:

Esprix

Evidently, I rock.
Ask the Gay Guy!

7

A very good point. I keep trying to remind myself that life is short, and grudges rarely last anyway. It’s hard, but I do try.

Certainly if they were not sorry for hurting me, I probably couldn’t forgive them. But even if someone is truly repentant, should we really forget?

I suppose I’m learning that there is a difference between “forgetting” and “being at ease with.”

Esprix

Evidently, I rock.
Ask the Gay Guy!