There are 3 people that have wronged me in some fashion. I watched my father tell someone he has only 2 children. These are with his current wife. He has 5 children with my mother. When I questioned him, he said he has moved on with his life. Since then found out he fathered another while my mother was pregnant with me. Haven’t talked to him in 25 years.
My brother stole my identity while getting arrested multiple times. Found him in jail under my name with a state issued ID with my name and his picture. Took me 2 years and $20,000 to clear my name. His response was too bad. I had the same response when he asked for money to help with his rent. All I want is an apology.
My son made some bad choices as a teenager but blamed me for all his problems. Many of those same issues still affect him today as he reaches he mid 40’s. I have made offers of reconciliation but he says he doesn’t want my pity. All I can say it’s your choice, you know how to reach me if you want to talk.
Are you sure he might not want to make amends for what he did and said, before he dies? And if he does, shouldn’t you give him the chance? After all, there has to be something worthwhile in him, else he wouldn’t have been your friend in the first place.
@BigT, I was always the one who broke down and apologized whenever we had a falling out, because I wanted our friendship to continue. He never apologized for anything.
Based on what’s been posted here, I’d absolve the OP of guilt.*
A low-key alternative would be to send the soon-to-be-dearly-departed a generic condolence card, and leave it up to him whether to get in further touch.
I was in the same situation with my father. Long story I won’t bore you with but we were estranged and when I heard he was dying with days if not hours to go I felt … nothing.
Different scenario than the OP, but of my three brothers, #2 is the one who tormented me constantly growing up. Not “normal” sibling teasing, but truly abusive when he felt like it. Mostly verbally, but occasionally hitting, sometimes just out of the blue. He did not improve as an adult - overall nastiness to the whole family on numerous occasions. He never married - he’d bring home girls to meet the family from time to time but it never went much further. Presumably they all figured out that he was abusive, and got away from him, which is a relief.
I once said “I wouldn’t push him in front of a bus, nor would I risk my life to drag him away from the bus, but I might yell at him to get out of the way if I saw one coming”. I later had a chance to basically do that: contacted him to let him know he was at elevated risk for bad colon cancer screening results. He responded by letting me know of his troubles with atrial fibrillation. Useful information on both sides.
That was 10 or so years ago and I don’t think I’ve been in touch with him at all since then. I have not seen him since our mother’s funeral in 2004. He lives within 20 miles or so of my in-laws, whom we visit every year or so. Somehow I’ve never found the time to visit him. I don’t wish him ill, but if I heard he was dying, I don’t know that I’d bother to try to reconnect at all. I’m sure I’d feel weird about the situation, of course.
Yes, if dying ex-friend extends an olive branch from the deathbed, or if I think that’d be likely if I visited, I would seriously consider saying goodbye. Closure is closure. But that’s a different situation from mutual friend telling me my ex-friend is dying, and feeling that he’s already dead to me and I’d only say something nasty out of spite.
If you are concerned aboutt slighting mutual friends by not responding at all, you can write a letter or something. At least that way you won’t risk losing your composure. You don’t have to lie, but you also don’t need to dig up old bones. I’m sure with 35 years of friendship there was at least one bona fide good memory.
I took your advice and wrote him a long farewell letter. I reminisced over the good parts and bad parts of our history together. I just sent it off. I doubt he’ll read it, but it will give me closure.
Yet was it necessary to rehash his failures as a fbff in your letter? I mean you’ve previously listed your grievances in writing and shared it with him. How’s he supposed to feel about it now he’s dying that it might be good to hear from an old friend until he skips to the bad part?
Sorry for the loss of your friendship it really seems to have been hard on you. Forgive him and let it go.