I’ve been noticing this more and more lately… that when I’m talking to people, their conversation is sprinkled with “shoulds” and “shouldn’ts” – a lot.
Recently heard examples:
I should recycle more than I do.
I shouldn’t eat that <whatever> or I should eat *more *of <whatever>.
I should call, visit, check in on <whatever>.
I should get the garage/attic/storeroom cleaned out.
I should get more sleep…more exercise…read more… get out more… stay home more…
Since this is the forum for mundane, pointless stuff, I wanted to share. My comment is WTF? Listening to people correct, chastise, berate, criticize, evaluate themselves, usually negatively, is a little bit distressing. I mean, c’mon, get off your own back.
I used to “should” all the time. I had a therapist tell me to knock it off. According to him, it was my way of basically skirting responsibility and, by replacing “should” with either “I will” or “I won’t”, I’m able to take better control of my decisions rather than feeling like my whole life is just a series of shit I have to do because some outside force is making me. Plus, it allows me to not be a shitbag because I have to admit that I’m just plain not going to do something.
I’m a procrastinator by design and was seeing him for suicidal-level depression (I almost killed myself on a whim in a hotel room bathroom after a fairly distressing several months). So, example: “I should wash dishes.” And then I would never, ever do them but it wasn’t MY fault because I “meant to”, I just “didn’t get around to it” or whatever. So then I stopped saying “should” and started making conscious decisions about my life and, even though I still hate washing dishes, I actually feel a lot better about pretty much every aspect of my life now. Even on the days I make the decision to not do them.
I’m halfway there. I’ve changed it to “I plan.” It just bugs me for me to say “I will” when I may change my mind. But I’d understand why that wouldn’t work for you.
“Will” sometimes doesn’t even work that well because it can still convey a tone of “sometime in the future” which never actually comes. “Am going to” and “I plan to” don’t work for the same reason.
I don’t even think I use “I will” or “I won’t.” I think when I consider getting some laundry together, or whatever, the thought is either, “Yep, I’m doing that,” and then I get up and do it or, “Yeah… totally not going to do that right now…” and then I don’t.
So my words actually are “I am” (as in, that’s what I’m currently doing as opposed to “going to”) or “I am not.”
It’s an incredibly effective tactic for me, in any case. Right now I’m in a “Hell no, I’m not doing ANYTHING!” mood because I’m way too pregnant and feel like garbage in general, but maybe I’ll pay attention next time something comes up that “I should do” and report back what I’m actually thinking. I’m pretty sure it’s “I am” and “I’m not” washing dishes/cleaning the bathroom/vacuuming.
