Prefatory note: This is not a cry for help, or an attempt to garner pity, or anything of that nature. I don’t keep a diary, and I’m not currently seeing a therapist, so I just need a place to say this say I don’t scream it while standing on my patio and annoy the neighbors.
I hate myself. I hate the person I am.
I hate that I cannot seem to express myself on controversial topics in a way that does not piss people off. I hate that I cannot seem to act in a way that is likeable by others. I hate that I don’t have the respect of people I respect. I hate that I cannot let myself off the hook for all the bad decisions I have made, ever. Which is nearly all of them. I hate that I am compelled to point out hypocrisy in others while expecting a pass for my own. I hate that I am stupid. I hate that I cannot keep up relationships with family or friends. I am a coward. I am untalented. I am lonely. I am angry. I am fat and out of shape. I don’t want to be on medication anymore. I don’t want to be in debt anymore. I don’t want to not have friends anymore. What the hell is wrong with me? Why can’t I just be normal, and happy, and likeable, and have friends and family like everyone else? Why am I second-guessing things I did five, ten, twenty years ago? What the hell is wrong with me?
I’m sure many of us , myself included have felt exactly the way you just described at one time or another. Now go and write a list of why you like yourself, and don’t stop until you’ve tipped the ballance.
Your OP can be applied to me in just about every respect, except that my weight issues are at the other end of the scale.
You shouldn’t assume that you’re unlikeable. Give people more opportunity to like you- and assume that there’s no reason they shouldn’t. You may be surprised.
I don’t know about all the personal stuff that you talked about, but from what I’ve read of your posts, you definitely aren’t stupid. So that’s one down. As for not being able to speak on non-controversial topics without pissing people off…well, not many people can do that, that’s why the topics are controversial. Things get heated. And anyways, you definitely aren’t any worse than most of the people I know in this regard. So that’s two down. I also doubt you are untalented.
As for fat and out of shape…I notice that you live in NoVa. If you live in the Arlington section, I believe that they have a series of local gyms that you can join for only about $65 a year. There’s one off of Four-mile Run and Columbia Pike (Barcroft) and another one up north somewhere. Those might help. Or start walking more or jogging. If you are really that unhappy with it, go do something about it. Same with the other stuff. You’re a bright guy, pldennison, you can turn things around.
Anyways, I hope I didn’t come off insensitive or anything. I don’t mean to be. Just trying to make a suggestion.
I don’t know if this will help (and if not it’s as likely as anything that it will be seriously un helpful), but I can think of a good number of people who would express the same sort of thing given the chance. But I do want to say one thing. Having met you, talked to/with you a good bit and seen your posts for the past 2+ years, the idea that you are not talented seems to me to be on par with the idea that Gaudere is a Christian-hating atheist who wants nothing more than to burn every Bible in existence, or the notion that Polycarp believes he knows all there is to know. With the variety of topics you have shown yourself not only well-educate in, but willing to admit your shortcomings and make solid progress toward addressing them. Would that I could say the same for a number of other people on this board (including myself, which I doubt will shock too many people;)), who will go unnamed because naming them is rather pointless here.
Point is, from my perspective (and I very much doubt I’m the only one here thinking this), the notion that you are untalented and stupid seems to me to be less rooted in reality than in self-loathing … your image of yourself in other areas extends itself to other areas in which you are not firm in your beliefs about yourself. During my particularly self-hating periods I start to doubt my physical abilities as well as my voice (which, from outside sources, are, let us say, not things to be dounted).
While staying as far away as possible (and still trying to be useful and such things) from the sometimes-popular armchair psychologist position of “I don’t know you exceedingly well, but here’s a pseudo-diagnosis”, and saying “people make mistakes, don’t worry about them” is about as useful as posting “dude, lighten up” … (where was I going with this run-on sentence) you’re a good guy. Nobody likes themselves all the time. And the fact that you see things you can do better means you’re able to recognize your own faults. Better that than think you’re perfect:) [sub]Shit, was that too sappy?[/sub]
While I don’t completely advocate writing a list of things you like about yourself (that can be really exasperating, though if it works more power to you!), realize that, in a period of lower self-confidence than usual, you’re going to go through a time where you doubt most everything you might otherwise believe to be true. But you’re also going to have times where you’re very much confident of your abilities. I have found it helpful to remember those times when I get down. It doesn’t (have to) completely do the job, but as a friend of mine once said, “every rally starts at one run.”
Aw Phil, you’re not unlikeable - you’re “complex”.
It takes some time to get to know you, and to understand that you have your own style. Some people are harder to get to know than others.
Remember oh so long ago, when we had some battles? We’re fine now, aren’t we? I still don’t agree with you on a few topics, but I understand and respect your points of view, and I’m familiar with your style and tone now so I don’t take offence when we disagree.
Well while I’m not one of the better known posters in Dopersville, I have to say that I enjoy your posts, and the controversy that you bring with you at times. Sometimes life just seems to pile everything on at once and it gets a little hard to hold on sometimes, but you will do fine. Don’t be so hard on yourself.
Geez, pld, I only met you once, and only for a couple of hours, but I liked you. Heaps. I think you’re a great bloke. My only regret is that I didn’t get you that block of chocolate that I promised (and if you’ll just pop me an email with your address, I’ll fix that ASAP). It’s so depressing that you feel unlikeable when you made such a great impression on the Aussie contingent when you were out here. I was impressed by your intelligence, your reasonableness, your friendliness, and the ease with which you seemed to slip into relaxed conversation with Redboss, Mr Cazzle and myself (let’s face it, we know what a unique crowd we made :)). I’ve always found you to be respected on this board, even when some of the respect was just for your awesome powers of debate. Really, if everyone was agreeable all the time, we’d be a planet of talkshow hosts (kill me! kill me now!). I’d much rather sit back and watch an intelligent, informed and well argued debate between your good self and some of our other posters than watch one of the back patting threads that seem to pop up on here all the time (errr… like this one).
We all have deep seated insecurities like the ones you talk about. It would be a rare person that couldn’t relate to most of the issues you mention about yourself. While feeling horrified that you felt this way about yourself, my inner critic was nodding along with you “Yup, that’s me too. Unlikeable, check. Overweight, check. Oh, that’s so me. Hypocrite. Am I ever! Yup, I’s like to be normal too. Some days, it sucks to be me.” I don’t know if this will help you, but we all feel like freaks who don’t fit in. That’s all I have to offer you - you don’t suck any more than the rest of us. I hope a shared sense of suffering helps you feel a little better about this.
I’m probably going to regret responding to this post, but I hate seeing someone in the kind of pain that you are clearly feeling. The suggestion that you write a list of things you like about yourself is a good one, but I would do it by taking the things that you don’t like about yourself and turning them around so that you see the positive rather than the negative. I once spent a week doing this, and I was amazed not only by the sheer number of negative things that I thought about myself, but also by the comfort it gave me to find the positive in them. So look at it this way:
I like that I have strong opinions and that I am able and willing to express them.
I like that I am unique, and that I follow my own path even when it is not the socially desirable one.
I like that I can still respect people even when they don’t respect me.
I like that I have a conscience, and that I take responsibility for my decisions, good and bad.
I like that I can recognize hypocrisy when I see it.
See, now you’re starting to sound pretty good to me.
Whether or not the medication you’re taking is designed to combat your bad feelings about yourself, it may be having an unintended effect on you. You should probably discuss these feelings with your doctor and make sure that your medication and dosage is right for you.
Many, many of us on these boards have gone through similar feelings of self-doubt. It is possible to get through them and come out the other side stronger and happier.
You are obviously depressed - which is the absolute worst time to start picking on yourself. Like others have said, you’re not expressing anything that most of us haven’t felt at one point or another about ourselves (really!). Maybe there is some truth to what you say about yourself, but many people go through life never questioning their actions/beliefs. We’ve all got flaws. You, at least, are willing to examine yourself and (hopefully) make changes for the better. (And though I say this, I’m not agreeing with you that you’re the loser you believe yourself to be in your OP. The other dopers who know you better have made some arguments to this effect - listen to them.)
Perhaps you could start by getting yourself into shape (please consult with your doctor before starting any fitness routine, of course). When a person is in shape, they tend to feel better - physically and mentally. My brother reports that he feels more creative when he exercises regularly. This is only a first step, of course.
At the risk of sounding as corny as Kansas in August, please check out this poem and take every word to heart.
Secondly, you might take a gander at these two books:
How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie
How to Think like Leonardo da Vinci by Michael J. Gelb
You may find they’re complete hogwash, but they might give you some ideas too. I’ve only started the first book, but it’s helped many people over the years. The second book will show you a new way to look at the world.
As far as your relationships with other people goes, if you’re depressed, your relationships will tend to suffer.
Phil, I’ve no advice to give you, or any calming words of wisdom. But I’m glad you shared this with us, your fellow Dopers. Most of us have never met you, and know only what we can tell from your posts. That is enough for me to know that you are more than worthy of my respect. In the two years I’ve been participating in these forums, your words have made me deeply consider opinions and feelings, some of which I’ve held for a long time, and change a few of them. For that, you have both my respect and my gratitude. I have no doubt you are even more interesting and valuable IRL than you are here.
It strikes me, clairobscur (as I said in my previous post), that part of the root of what pld is dealing with is the opposition he sees in what he thinks he should be more like as opposed to how he sees himself. The argument could certainly be made that this manifests itself in, to some extent, self-hate, though I would not call it hate exactly but … well, disappointment seems somewhat harsh. As does, coincidentally, some of your post, though I am confident you did not mean it to be such.
You’re by no means alone, pld. I’ve recently entered a very difficult time where I have to face a lot of things that I don’t like about myself, and I hate it and it hurts. But what I’m realising is that nothing is beyond my control… I’ve been dealing with some of my personality issues while others continue to aggravate those nearest to me, and I worry about not changing fast enough, and I am very afraid that the most important people in the world are being driven away by the way I am… but I keep trying to change, and fix things, and I beg patience from those who find me difficult. I give what I have… you sound like you’d be a good and kind person to someone who needed one, and probably a really creative one if you’d channel that angst into something artistic… your opening post sounds like me at my worst moments, and no one’s allowed to give up really… everything’s fixable, if that helps any. Just takes time. My goal is to be a year without any need for my illness to be treated… someday…
Hey pld, we don’t know each other, but you’re one of the posters I look out for, you’ve always got something clever to say.
Actually I was feeling down today remembering all the cruddy things I’ve ever said or done to people. But then I started thinking about cruddy things people have said or done to me and how I’ve let it slide or forgiven them. I realized if I could forgive them for this stuff, I could also forgive myself. Geez, I should write for Halmark!
And start working out, you’ll feel tons better! You can get a pretty much complete weight set and bench at Walmart for under $300. Lift weights while watching tv. If you stretch your routine out over a few tv shows, it doesn’t seem like such a chore and you’ll eventually get to look forward to it. Don’t do it for looks or you’ll get discouraged because it’ll take a few months before you start to look godlike.
I don’t usually post to threads like this, as I rarely have anything constructive to say. In fact, I really don’t now, except for one thing:
How did you manage to type exactly what I have been thinking about myself for the past week?
If it helps any, I’d like you to know that reading your post has made me realize that I am not alone in my feelings, and that knowing that is giving me hope that I can go on to do what I can to change what I can and accept what I can’t.
That last phrase is convoluted as heck, but I hope the meaning came through. My mind is mush right now, and I’m afraid that’s the best I can do.
It’s the whole “Grant me the power to change that which I can, to accept that which I cannot, and the wisdom to know the difference”, I think, only with a late-night spin:)