Friend Comes Out : What is This Straight Boy Expected to Say?

In My Humble Opinion
1

The recent spate of erm… I guess “technical” gay and transgender threads has reminded me to ask something that I’ve been wondering about for the last couple of years. Actually the Yes, Number Six a girl. thread was specifically what spurred me on (congratulations, BTW Number six).

Y’see, in mid-2003 a very , very close friend came out to me as a lesbian. Now, this is a bit different to somebody like Number Six who has announced the realisation of a dream to be of the opposite gender - in this case congratulations are definitely in order. But to a person who is coming out as gay or lesbian - WHAT THE HELL DO I SAY?

1. THAT’S TERRIBLE, YOU DISGUSTING PERVERT!
Obviously not.

2. WOOHOO! FANTASTIC! THIS IS GREAT NEWS!!!11111
Well, gayness isn’t some sort of supreme state any more than straightness is, and if I made this reaction my friend would (rightly) assume I was being insincere.

3. Umm… well right then! Okay…
This third option is what I ended up awkwardly doing.
The problem here is that a friend outing themselves to you is essentially neutral for the recipient of the outing. But then, it is also a great honour if only one or two people in the world have been told ( as was the case with me). I was touched that I was the first to know, and felt I should resond appropriately. Um… somehow. I’m at a bit of a loss.

It transpired that about two days after my friend came out to me, I had to say to her, “Look, sorry if I came across as underwhelmed. I wasn’t shocked, I just honestly didn’t know what to say. Hey, I’m an awkward het bloke. Where’s my beer?”

This elicited a laugh from my friend, and also a reassurance that I hadn’t offended her. Nonetheless, it hasn’t really answered my question.

Gay dopers, how would you have expected/liked me to have reacted?

2

Not a gay Doper, myself, but I think the appropriate response is something along the lines of “I’m happy that you’re feeling comfortable enough to share this, and honored that you’re sharing it with me. If you’re having difficulty with anything or anyone and there’s something I can do to make it easier for you, let me know.”

3

I would have expected something like your response. I think it was nice that you brought up the issue later.

4

Followed by, “It’s your shout then is it?”

:smiley:

5

k’noaf. :smiley:

6

That generally depends entirely on a number of factors, not limited to how well I know you, how close we are, what sort of cultural relationship we have (cow-orkers, family, etc.), etc. Specific to your case I’d say either a polite acknowledgement (“Thanks for trusting me with that.”) or a hug or something like that - something that clearly asserts that you aren’t going to disown her or think badly of her or whatever - is in order.

In general, when I come out to people I’m normally looking to make sure it isn’t something they’re going to have trouble with. I like to be as reasonably open with people as possible, and I’m simply not comfortable with having to hide random stuff or having to bite my tongue when I hear something offensive in the background. After that I’m looking to eliminate, to the extent reasonably possible, any misunderstandings they may have, any questions, etc. (I’m not looking to having to defend myself against Exodus or that sort, but I do prepare for it when there’s a significant chance of running into it, and I will defend myself.) It’s good to ask questions because that way, for example, you’re not vaguely worried that I might get absolutely piss-ass drunk and try to sexually interest you in myself.

In a public (or significantly-large private) setting, what I’m most looking for in a straight ally - which is what you are, and thank you for being that:) - is someone who won’t leave me by myself when I encounter something offensive. Friends back each other up unless the one needing backup is more in need of a swift kick in the ass.

7

That’s true of course. But you’re not saying “Woohoo! It’s great that you’re gay!”, you’re saying “Woohoo! It’s great that you are finally comfortable with yourself and your sexual orientation and no longer have to feel that you’re hiding something or repressing something!” It’s not that being gay is better or worse than being straight, it’s that being open about yourself is better than feeling you have to hide it.

And to answer the question from the OP: I expected choice 1 from everybody, or at best a “well, I think it’s wrong but whatever makes you happy.” I liked hearing something between choices 2 and 3. An acknowledgement that my friends were happy for me for not having to keep it hidden and being able to enjoy dating for the first time in my life, but then having it quickly become a total non-issue.

I knew that my friends weren’t going to be disgusted and reject me, but I was afraid that they’d feel uncomfortable around me and have to constantly be on watch about what they said, that it would alter our relationship forever. One of my favorite reactions, actually, was when within 10 minutes after my telling her, a friend started saying stuff like, “Oh, you mean now that Chuck’s a big fag?” and such. It proved that she was comfortable enough with it to make jokes and wasn’t too worried about offending me. (Obviously, your mileage may vary…)

And for what it’s worth, I think your answer was just fine. If it’s your honest reaction to hearing it, then that’s the best reaction to hearing it.

8

I went through this 12 or 13 years ago now. A college roommate of mine called me up one day out of the blue and came out of the closet. It was highly unexpected at the time, although retrospection makes it seem obvious.

I didn’t know how to react at the time either.

Part of the problem was that it was about the 3d day of a brand new job. Roommate called me up and came out to me at the office, where I was still highly uncomfortable. Roommate’s revalation, while not offensive or problematic in any way, was surprising to me. I was shocked and somewhat speechless. I made it clear that it didn’t matter to me – that we were still friends. It was still shocking to me. Not because he was gay. Probably I was highly oblivious but I’d had no idea. It was a shock because it radically changed my whole perception of him as a person. It was like Ted Kennedy suddenly revealed himself as a closet Republican. Not inherently wrong as such, but it shook my world-view a little.

I don’t think I reacted negatively to my friend’s revalation. Due to my surroundings I was somewhat circumspect. But we’ve remained in touch in these ensuing 10 years or so. I still love him and I wish he posted here. It tore me up the night he called and told me he was HIV positive. He’s healthy but I worry about him. Hang tough Kal.

9

In the long run, this one actually a great response. Your friend will look back on it and realize that his sexuality is a non-issue with you will be appreciative of that fact. At least is was for me. The friends who were non-plussed by my coming out are still my friends. The ones who made a big deal, either positively or negatively, of it have lost touch.

The only better response is “Well, duh … It’s not like it’s a surprise.” or “I’ve been wondering when you would finally come out.”

10

I worked with a very camp queeny kinda guy for ten years. In fact, the second year he came to my 21st birthday party, got blind drunk, and tried to seduce the toyboy boyfriend of another gay man who was there. So, fast forward eight more years, and he and a few other people took a redundancy payout from where I work. We repaired to the local pub and proceeded to get quite merry.

After five or eight beers, he said, “Annnyooowannaknowshumtin’??? I’M GAY!!!”

A second of so of silence followed by the entire group bursting into unstoppable laughter.

“NO SHIT GLEN?”

“What? You knew?”

"Well, umm… yeah… "

“oh”

“We just assumed you were already out”

“oh”
He was quite shocked. It was funny though.

BTW, thanks for your replies everyone. Good to know I didn’t screw up too badly.

11

My replies generally fall into one of two camps:

  1. “Well, thanks for finally telling me, but I’ve sort of known for a while.” Hugs

or

  1. “Shit. Does this mean we’re breaking up?” :smack:
    :smiley:
12

I’ve only been shocked on one occasion, and that was by the fact that my wife (the aunt of the woman coming out) didn’t know. She came home from visiting her aunt and nephew one day last year and says ’ “X” is gay’. I said “uh huh” then realized that she hadn’t known until that day. Her response to her niece was along number 3.

There was one guy I knew how had a habit of refering to his boyfriend I’d never met as his “partner”. I can’t remember how many times I wanted to say “You know, you can just say ‘boyfriend/lover/husband’, it’s not a big deal”.

13

Very timely thread - a guy who used to live 2 door from me as a kid recently came out. Funny - many people thought he was gay for years, but he was married with 2 kids, so I just put the speculation down to stereotyping. But apparently it wasn’t.

It makes no difference to me in any event - he’s my sister’s friend - I used to be his babysitter. The only thing that makes it awkward is that his sister has pretty much disowned him and his parents are in denial. I haven’t seen him since his revelation so I’m not sure what I’ll say when I see him. Probably “Hi - how ya doin’?” <shrug>

14

lol, last time I had a friend come out to me [lesbian] we were in a bunch of friends of assorted sexualities and my response was ‘yay, more men for me’ with a big grin, and then my friend Marc chimed in that we would have to armwrestle for the spare men [it being a big joke in the group that Marc and I had the same taste in men, we used to go guy watching at the beach together]

15

When I was in high school, a friend asked me, on IM, if she could ask me some questions for a school project she was doing. The first one was pretty much “What would you say if a friend came out to you?” My response: “Uh… I’d try to think of someone to set them up with?” I clearly passed the test and she let me know she was lesbian. I still like that answer, and use it as often as possible.

16

I was 14 the first time a friend came out to me and I was “oh, well, okay, whatever … so how about that weather?” Let’s say I wasn’t even all that sure what sexuality was, let alone knowing it came in different flavors. Fast forward 5 years. I’ve come to not only realize, but finally accept my sexuality (I’m bi) and am about to tell someone. As if I don’t, I might explode or implode or some sort of plode. After a night of tearful confessions and me discussing my rather messed up past, I tell one of my friends that there’s one other thing. He replies “What, are you coming out of the closet or something, because it’s 3 am and I want to sleep?” “Well, yeah, actually, I am.” “I can’t wait to go clubbing with you in San Fransisco. Except you’ll pick up more chicks than me.” Now there is a response I will remember forever, but not likely one others have had. The one that my roommate and my best gave me is perhaps the most reassuring. “Oh, hun, it doesn’t matter. No, that’s not right, it matters a lot, but after all we’ve been through, do you think anything could change our relationship. Silly fool.” That makes me happy. And nothing makes me feel like that is the truth more than when my roommate defends gay rights in conversations with others, even when I’m not around, as it really is how she feels, not that she’s trying to make herself believe she’s okay with it.

17

Way long ago, several years in the past, I was at a small gathering at a friends house. A good friend of mine was there. We were joking about something relating to dating, the way 14-year-olds do. He abruptly, in the midst of a lull in the conversation, announced he was gay. We all paused, said we all figured as much, and resumed our previously-occuring banter.

Flash forward about two years. I was chatting online with said friend, and after making him swear to secrecy thrice, I came out as bi. He said he was honored to be the first I told, it didn’t at all change the way he thought of me, etc.

Flash forward another couple years to two months ago. I’m hanging out with a friend in her room. She’s very openly ‘pansexual’. We’d both had a couple drinks, and I found myself blurting out that I was, too, very bisexual, and she was the first person I ever told face-to-face. She, too, expressed that she was a little honored, and regrettably*, that was pretty much it.

The best thing you can do? Pretty much what you did, IMO.

*Regrettably because I’ve since developed a ridiculous crush on her. :smack:

18

I’ve had two people come out to me as bi, and another one as gay.

The bi people got “Me too!” and the gay friend got “I already know.”

19

How about saying “way to go!” in a loud nervous voice… punching them in the arm, gasping like a fish out of water for a while, then asking sincerely if they still like drinking beer and watching hockey.

Saw that happen in real life.

20

We really need to expand our social niceness responses to cover things like this:

“I’m getting married”
“Congratulations, I’m so happy for you!”

“My father died.”
“Oh, I’m so sorry. Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help.”

I propose “Thank you for trusting me with that” as the polite answer to “I’m gay.”