The Coming out Process

Hastur mentioned the liberating feeling of coming out in this thread. As person who has came out to himself only a couple years ago, I’d like to get some thoughts on how to handle coming out to the community in general.

So far my take has been that if someone asked, I’ll be truthful but I’m not announce it from the rooftops. I’m starting to get frustrated with mincing my words when it comes to gay events I attend. When asked what I did over the weekend, I’ll say, “My friend and I went to a festival in Harrisburg.” What I’d like to say is, “Marvin and I went to the gay pride festival in Harrisburg.”

Let the ideas flow…

Cheers!

If you’re frustrated mincing your words, that’s a big clue that it’s not working for you. I talk with straight people about my life just as matter-of-factly as they talk about theirs. You’ll be really surprised how many accepting people there are, if you just give them a chance. Once you get into the habit of being honest with people, you’ll wonder why it ever had to be otherwise.

A thing to keep in mind about coming out:

context, context, context.

Don’t come out to someone when they’re driving a moving vehicle, for starters. :wink:

Seriously though- sound the person out. Consider best and worst case scenarios. I’m very much out, but there are times when I deny it (if I don’t feel safe with the way I was asked) or I don’t feel it’s worth mentioning (this summer when I worked at a clothing store with a bunch of older, married women whom I thought would freak out if I said I had a girlfriend)

Is it a relief? Yes, but don’t be surprised if you lose some friends. Also, it takes a lot of time for some people to accept it… sometimes it’s not homophobia, it’s adjustment.

I have adopted the policy of not coming out to people as much as not bothering to hide it. If people are talking about relationships, I mention my girlfriend. If I feel it’s relevant, I’ll bring it up.

Things to consider: Who the person is, what they mean to you, if they’re gay friendly, how important it is for them to know, what would happen if they reacted badly, ect. Most of the time, in my experience, it’s been worth it.

It is a process- don’t expect the world to change overnight. It can take years to fully come out.

Best of luck.

-andygirl

Well, only being out to my friends, I cant really say how i’ve seen people react. But, I suspect they will care less than I think, especially being in college. With my friends they took it well. So, it wasnt difficult for me to tell them. With my family that has yet to come.

But, for the OP, i know I wont hide it, but then I wont go around flaunting it loudly. Why? Sometimes it’s just not pertinent to the conversation. I know that next week we’re doing an article on homophobia in Black communities in one of my classes, and if I feel it’s important I say something I probably will, which might just be the case (the class is intimate, just 9 people plust the prof., and i’m not worried about something going horrbly wrong). If I had a BF, i’d probably mention him matter of factly. I remember in one of my classes, I was telling a classmate about one of my friend’s living situation and mentioned he had a BF. She was only surprised about how many people were cramped into that apartment than the fact my friend has a BF (there’s 5 people in a 2 bedroom apt. BTW).

I believe what Andygirl says, it is a process. I didnt gather all my friends together and tell them at once. For the bulk of them it took a couple of weeks. I still have one friend who I havent told yet, because I havent seen him in a while. I also had to “feel” when it was the right time. I didnt tell them right away when I saw them, i waited til the opportunity was right for me. I’ve found that it really is a relief when I’ve told my friends, i felt as if I wasnt hiding a big part of me back from them that they should have known (one of my friends said she was dissapointed me and my other friend didnt tell her we were gay earlier, which made me feel a little guilty, but she understood my reasons)

ALSO:

Panache talked about not mincing words. I am not one to mince words. I didn’t do it when I told my friends, and I probably couldnt do it if I was talking about a BF (out of respect for him). I’ve been up front with everyone i’ve told, and I feel it’s actually the best way (at least for me). I felt that if I was going to tell, I might as well just say the words and be done with it (my friend Mike said that because I didnt mince words with him, that it kind of blew him away, and he said he was proud that I didnt mince words with him, and that I was brave for doing it that way).

Please, before making an annoucement in an article in a newspaper, tell your friends. One of my friends came out that way and it was very hurtful to read it in the newspaper before being told. It was rather like reading a wedding annoucement in the local paper rather that receiving an invitation or being told in person and getting to see the ring.

Another friend invited us over to come out and introduce us to his boyfriend. That was fairly pleasant. My husband and i took them out to dinner in celebration and we all had a nice time.

I wish you well. Be warned: some friends will see this as an opportunity to become a matchmaker unless you produce a SO. Be prepared to hear, “I know just the guy for you!” from the most unexpected people.

You said it.

I’ll spare you the saga of my coming out to friends and parents, 'cause my more recent coming-out to co-workers at the new job is more relevant (read: “I did a better job with this one”).

I was having a mini-debate about what it means to offend someone with a straight, male, Jewish friend I’d made at work. This was sparked by our company’s mandatory new-employee workshop on maintaining a respectful workplace. This friend is extraordinarily difficult to offend, and he has a hard time understanding why so many people get upset over a few silly words. So to illustrate an example for him, I said, “Well, I get offended when I get called a ‘faggot.’ It happens every now and then, and I find it very threatening.”

And the debate continued from there. No surprised reaction from him, not even any further questions.

I gradually came out to others, sometimes in a similar manner as above, sometimes in direct and honest answers to casual questions. (“Whatcha doin’ over the weekend?” “Well, I’ve got a hot date!” “Ooooh…sounds fun. Who’s the luck girl?” “Actually, it’s this guy I met at…”) I have yet to have any sort of negative reaction. I never gathered everyone together to make an announcement–which would have been wildly inappropriate at work, though kind of funny now that I think about it–but just came out by being honest.

The great thing is, once enough of your friends know you’re gay, if you go out in a big group, you can make gentle cracks about yourself, get a laugh out of the friends who know, and clue everyone else in in the least-threatening way possible.

One caveat: I have the luxury of living in Washington, DC, which, as many a frustrated straight woman will point out, is a great place to be if you’re a gay man. The attitude toward homosexuality here (barring certain notorious residents such as Strom Thurmond) is…well, there is no real attitude. “Some people are gay; big deal” seems to sum it up. If I worked in, I dunno, a gun shop in East Jesus, Mississippi (to perpetuate stereotypes about gun owners and Southerners), I would be far more cautious about coming out. Again, context.

Good luck. Coming out gets easier with practice.

Thanks to all for the info. I’ll have to sit down and answer in a more thoughtful manner.

I just wanted yinz guyz to know I didn’t run off.

Cheers!

Compared to other gay people I know, my coming out went pretty well. I think it also depends a lot on how secure you are with yourself as well. If you don’t care about what people think about you, you’re halfway there.

When I came out to my friends and parents, the basic reaction was something like ‘oh well, so you do it with a guy then? Big deal’. My father almost choked on his asparagus and my mother could only mutter ‘are you sure?’ but after reassuring them that that didn’t mean I would go running off with every guy I met and that I would be very careful, and that no, it doesn’t automatically mean that I’ll get AIDS, I think that they accepted it quite well. (Much better than I anticipated).

I did had some concerns with my work though. A lot of snide remarks were passed back and forth so I postponed it for quite some time before I came out professionaly. When I changed jobs I felt that I really needn’t keep it secret from anyone anymore and admitted to anyone that I was, in fact gay. Not that I introduced myself as ‘hi, I’m new here and I’m gay’, but when asked or when the subject came up, I never hid it either.

I think I was lucky, because all of my friends were OK with it, and I never had any issues at work. But then again, I think I’m also a strong enough person that when anyone did have problems with it, it wouldn’t be my problem and tough luck for them.

I think that is the best way to handle it. Be confident about yourself and if anyone has an issue with it, screw them. It’s not as if it’s their life you should be happy with.

[Moderator Hat ON]

This doesn’t seem to be a debate; it is more of a discussion and telling of personal anecdotes, so I think it is better suited to MPSIMS. Off you go.

[Moderator Hat OFF]

I have been out coming since I was 15. Wow, it has been ten years now closing on 11. Anyway, when I came out originally it was a little different. My mother was very accepting. She tried to fix me up with boys quite often. She had bad taste in boys my age though. She never chose anyone whom I would date or were even gay necessarily. One boy that she tried to fix me up with had dated my sister. She thought we would make a better looking couple than him and my little sister. I laugh at that now. She is always interested in whom I am dating and has made sure to include them in family things.

My father on the other hand quieted up a great deal. He eventually told me he didn’t care if I was gay as long as I was happy but it took a few years. He only ever said hi to my first lover for the first three years that we were together. Eventually he opened up to him too.

My maternal grandparents and family are very accepting too. They get mad at me when I don’t bring the person I am dating to family functions when I am back home. My paternal grandparents and family are not as open. They tend to gossip about me behind my back (I will tell a story about that) and basically ignore my partner.

The last Christmas/Yule I spent with my father’s family a few years ago I had the pleasure of meeting my cousin’s wife. I had never met her since she is Australian and he was working there when they got married. Originally he was a pretty conservative bastard but he was quite liberalized after he went to Aussieland. Anyway, she is a fabulous woman who the relatives call a bimbo because they took “Precious Steven” away from them. She is quite the opposite. She is blond/blue eyed and very pretty. She has a master’s degree in Medieval studies and was quite conversant and knowledgeable on many other subjects. Anyway, I met her and we were talking and she said that she didn’t think she knew who I was so I said, “I am the gay one.” She wasn’t taken aback but then she said, “Oh, you are THAT one! I thought you were a monster the way they talk about you.” (We were gossiping amongst ourselves about how that particular branch of the family backstab a lot.) We both laughed. She then said, “they all think I am a bimbo, I think.” We laughed as we both knew how that part of the family talked. To say the least, I really enjoyed meeting her and now knowing that my cousin, Steven (as well as her), our more accepting than I first assumed they would be.

For those who first come out be prepared to lose some friends but don’t expect it. I personally lost a group of friends whom I was moderately close to and a very close friend who was also a friend of the moderately close friends. Anyway, this friend, Jeff, was one of my best friends and when I came out to him he said, “so what.” I then got busy for a week and he started calling me saying, “what’s the deal? you come out to me, it is not a big deal. I still like you and that is what is most important.” That made me happier than anything at that time. Jeff periodically hinted to me that he wanted to have sex with me one time being so bold (and drunk) that he asked me to go fuck him. I politely said no thank you because I value our friendship more. I offered to fix him up but he said no. Anyway, several months to a year later his friends were pressuring him not to hang out with me because I am gay to which he eventually succumbed. That hurt me more than anything because of his sudden change in attitude. I think it has something to do with me turning him down partly but I soon found out that he valued his other friend’s friendship more than mine.

Now for a lighter side. I had a friend named Colin (whom I have since grown out of touch with since I moved so far away) who eventually became my best friend. We were close and when he found out I was gay (I had been out for about 5 years by that time and stopped thinking that people didn’t know I am gay) he just took it in stride. We started doing a lot of things together and his girlfriend and my lover at the time often went out and did things together. This was more typical of the later friends I had who judged me on individual merits rather than those Jeff decided to judge me on. Anyway, I taught him a lot about playing the guitar and we had some wonderful folky duets that we used to play. I really miss that now. It was really fun.

For the most part since I have come out my experiences with people have been indifferent or better. There have been very few people who have decided to go along the bastard route even when I lived in San Antonio which is still pretty backwoods and conservative as far as sexuality goes. I have had a nun ask me what I like to do in bed, in an extremely innocent way (I told her that was way too personal a question… but it makes for a good story) to a stupid homophobe ask me to go gay bashing with him (I told his three bisexual friends whom I had a passing acquantance with what he said and they got him drunk and dropped him off a hundred miles or so in middle of nowhere in Texas (in the Winter). For those of you who don’t know South Texas, there is nothing…not even passing cars for a large part of the day. We laughed about it later. When he got back he basically disappeared from the large acquantance circle but not after he came around and apologized for being an ass. (See, good things sometimes do happen.)

The best part about being out, as has been said before, is that I feel free to be myself. I don’t have to hide who I am and have become more confident in my abilities and myself. I know where my limitations now are and have had first hand experience working with them and around them to make them just another part of myself. It has also made me significantly happier now that I am able to pursue a relationship that I desire and that I find to be the most fulfilling without the fear that I will loose all form of acceptance from my family, my friends, and myself. I never really cared what strangers thought about me. The most beneficial thithat I couldn’t say enough is that accepting myself as a gay man was by far the best thing to happen by coming out. Most every gay man struggles with theat particular demon and when I finally accepted it, it made the world of difference.

HUGS!
Sqrl

First off, I’m not gay, so I really can’t relate to your experience. But, I’ve had a couple of friends come out and I can give you an idea of maybe what to expect.

I’ll just relate one of my friend’s stories, since they’re both very similar. We’d grown up together with the same group of friends and we were all very close. When he came out, we were shocked, to say the least. We were also very uncomfortable. Now, let me clarify. We weren’t uncomfortable because he was gay, we just didn’t always know how to act. We spent years talking about sports and women and just doing guy stuff. Suddenly, we weren’t sure if we should make lewd comments about the waitress or what have you. There was an adjustment period and we all figured out protocol. When it was all said and done, very little had changed. And, we’re all still good friends. If you come out to a friend and he never talks to you again, he wasn’t much a friend to begin with.

I know that doesn’t really answer your question, but it’a all I have to relate. They all follow basically the same protocols when it comes to talking about it in public. If the subject of relationships comes up or somebody asks what they did over the weekend, yeah, they’ll bring it up. And it usually slides over pretty well. When the fact is brought up out of nowhere in a flaunting sort of way, it’s usually not appreciated. I don’t care for straight guys who feel the need to flaunt their heterosexuality, either. It gets old. If it’s relative to the conversation, let loose. I’m sure you could find a few exceptions where it would be a good idea to make very ambiguous comments, but you’re really the only judge of that.

Just be yourself. If somebody doesn’t accept you, there’s always somebody else who will. I know this is easy for me to say, as I’ve never been in your position, but I hope it helps a little.

**quoth panache45
If you’re frustrated mincing your words, that’s a big clue that it’s not working for you. I talk with straight people about my life just as matter-of-factly as they talk about theirs. **

I’ve been doing that more and more lately. The person that gets me is one of my bosses. Just this afternoon before leaving I said how hard it was to get out of bed. “I just wanted to snuggle.” His comment was, “Careful, I’m on drugs.” (Meds for his severe back pain). I have a feeling he’s one of those “You’re OK, but keep all that gay stuff to yourself because it makes me queasy.” ©goboy

**quoth andygirl
A thing to keep in mind about coming out:
context, context, context.
Don’t come out to someone when they’re driving a moving vehicle, for starters. :wink: **

I’ll keep that in mind! :slight_smile:

andygirl continues
Seriously though[…] I have adopted the policy of not coming out to people as much as not bothering to hide it. If people are talking about relationships, I mention my girlfriend. If I feel it’s relevant, I’ll bring it up.

Seriously, I understand and agree that knowing the person’s level of gay-friendliness is very important in regards to my relationship. Case in point, the employee that has the “Charlton Heston is my President” probably would not be a good person to be open with.

I know my ex-wife is slowly getting used to the idea of me being gay. She’s not homophobic, but it is something she has not had to deal with in a personal way.

quoth Dobbieous
i know I wont hide it, but then I wont go around flaunting it loudly. Why? Sometimes it’s just not pertinent to the conversation.
I believe what Andygirl says, it is a process. I didnt gather all my friends together and tell them at once.

This seems to be the prevailing opinion, answer questions truthfully, include your partner in conversation when appropriate, but don’t go around saying, "I’m here, I’m queer, deal with it!!
Marvin mentioned how coming out is a life long process just the other day.

quoth Lee
Please, before making an annoucement in an article in a newspaper, tell your friends. One of my friends came out that way and it was very hurtful to read it in the newspaper before being told.

Lee, I think you misread my OP (which looking back it was not grammatically correct :frowning: ). There is NO why I’ll post an announcement in the local paper. This area is very homophobic (the local gay bar was under constant protest for 4 years before it was finally closed :mad: )
AFA matchmaking, they’ll have to run their suggestions by the love of my life, Marvin! :wink:

**quoth MisterBK

I gradually came out to others, sometimes in a similar manner as above, sometimes in direct and honest answers to casual questions. (“Whatcha doin’ over the weekend?” “Well, I’ve got a hot date!” “Ooooh…sounds fun. Who’s the luck girl?” “Actually, it’s this guy I met at…”) **
This has happened to me on a couple of occations. Mixed reactions. The first friend I came out to was in response to my new locale. When I said I moved in with a friend, he asked her name, when I said his name is Marvin, he exclaimed, “Don’t tell me you turned gay!!!” I said you don’t turn gay you either are or not. “YOU’RE GAY??” Suprising what people perceive, eh? Similar conversation the other week, a friend asked if he “knew her” and I said, “him” which he changed to “Do I know him?” very matter of factly.

**quoth SqrlCub
I have been out coming since I was 15. Wow, it has been ten years now closing on 11.
[…]
The best part about being out, as has been said before, is that I feel free to be myself. I don’t have to hide who I am and have become more confident in my abilities and myself. **
hmm…then other words, I just starte!! :slight_smile:
I look forward to that feeling of freedom and confidence.
Thanks for the hug, it felt good :smiley:
**quoth Aglarond
First off, I’m not gay, so I really can’t relate to your experience. But, I’ve had a couple of friends come out and I can give you an idea of maybe what to expect. **
Thanks for the story. It was nice to hear from someone who experienced the coming out process from the “other side”

Well…that catches me up to to Monday afternoon’s posts. I was very busy this week with two funeral viewing and tonight is bowling with Marvin.

Thanks to all who posted so far, it was very helpful.

I’m just sending this since I have to run, hopefully it’ll be OK.
Hugs to all!!!
Cheers!

Coming out is a long process and is unique to everyone. You come out to yourself, acknowledging your own homosexuality and then can come out to everyone else. It doesn’t always happen in that order, but that’s how it happened with me.

I knew I was different when I was about 10 or 11 and just going thru the throes of puberty. I noticed I was REALLY attracted to the guys instead of the girls, especially at an age when it should be the other way around. I told myself, yes, I actually told myself this; it’s just a phase I’m going thru. Well, it wasn’t a phase and by the time I was 14 or so, I admitted it to myself. That’s the first major step.

Over the next few years, I survived, tho how I don’t exactly know. I kept a low profile and picked my friends carefully and didn’t reveal my secret to anyone I didn’t trust.

It wasn’t 'til I was actually discharged from the service (Navy) that I officially came out. My DD-213 form (official discharge papers) says “homosexual acts” as the reason for separation. Interestingly enough, I have an honorable discharge, I’m not sure how that happened.

Anyway, June 20th, 1980 is my official Coming Out date, also the day I was a Free Man from the service. I also called my parents to let them know I was coming home and why. That was an interesting phone call. My dad was glum and uptight. My mother was sure I simply hadn’t met the right girl yet.

After getting home, I moved out again, as quickly as possible and got on with my life. With the normal ups and downs, I’ve done alright.

All of my family knows and pretty much accepts it. My parents have met my partners and taken to them pretty well.

My only word of advice is: give them time. It takes a while to accept something like this. And don’t pre-judge them. I thought for sure my father would throw me out of the house if I ever told him. While he wasn’t happy about it, he did accept it tried to understand it. Given his Deep South, Republican upbringing, I think that’s pretty good for him.

Also coming from the other side of the fence…I have a friend (an internet buddy, whom I’ve met several times) who first come out on our postingboard, to all of us. When we were basically like “so what?” and “Congratulations for having the courage to say it!!,” it was a real turning point for him. In a couple months he came out to his parents, who took it well. He has said he couldn’t’ve done it without the unconditional acceptance he received from the Bronzers.

StG

Freyr
I came out to myself a couple-few years ago. I had been married and have twin boys, aged 9. My ex and I were separated for a few years prior to her divorcing me. I had been questioning my sexuality for a while before that happened, when I was divorced it gave me the freedom to figure out were my sexuality lies.

I came out to my ex wife about a week after I met my bf. Basically she asked and I answered. She’s starting to get used to the idea of me being gay. My boys don’t know yet, but I’ll be talking to them soon.

I have not directly told my dad, but was explaining Marvin’s and my household finacial responsibilities. He told me that Marvin is not permitted in his house because that’s what they believe. I said, “I understand.” but more and more I just want to go down and lay it all out in no uncertain terms!

Those that I have come out to have been pretty receptive, but I know I’ll get an response that is filled with hatred. :frowning:

StG
That’s why I’m here. This is a great place to discuss issues, such as, coming out. Thank you for the input.

Cheers!

it actually only occurred to me that i like girls recently. in august, as a matter of fact. or, rather, i always knew i really liked girls, it just didn’t occur to me that i was a lesbian. the first person of possible consequence i told was my best friend. it was great. i called her up and before i could say a word she said, “I have something to tell you… i’ve been kind of hesitant, but i think you should know…” i then interjected with, “you’re a lesbian.” i can’t explain it, there was just a certain tone. she was pissed that i already knew, but i just laughed and told her that i am, too. so far, that has been the best experience. it made the bond between us even stronger. the first time we bonded was over guys… her a drug-addicted navy boy, and me a psychotic gay boy. and now… girls :slight_smile:
but things haven’t been all good… i had an awful experience with a girl i thought would understand and accept me, but it turned out she really didn’t. i have told a lot of my friends from high school, and they have been very accepting (except my ex-boyfriend – he’s a little bitter.) but i am nervous about telling my long-time friends that i’ve had since elementary school. and then, of course, there’s my family. i really don’t think they will have any problem with it… well, maybe a little at first… but i do dread telling them. i have 4 younger sisters (i am the oldest… yes, a Catholic family, but my dad’s sister is a lesbian, my god-mother in fact… she helped raise me) and i think i might wait until a few more are out of high school. i don’t want them to have to deal with any harrassment during their school years from the local yokels.
anyway, i know the thread is a tad old, but i really did need to share that for some reason… it’s sort of cleansing.
thanks for listening!

<3 Birdie

Eyke, a quick q…do you live near Pittsburgh? (Calling people “yinz” I have been assuming to be a local thing)

As to the OP, I can’t help you half as much as the other people on this board, given that I’m straight.(sigh) Friends coming out to me has never really been all that traumatic, I usually go on with business for about three seconds before acknowledging that I heard it. (“Kathryn, I’m… um… gay.” “Neat. Where were we going for lunch? Seriously, its cool.” ) I have never had to deal with anyone hurting my friends (While I lived in dangerous country, they had great families. When I moved here, where is a little more open, they have been able to be more free)

I, and my friends, have been lucky with this. I hope you find yourself pleasantly surprised about how tolerant and loving the world can be.

um, i think i’m going to come out to my parents over Thanksgiving break. support, advice, anyone?
i’ve already mentioned that i am worried about negative effects it may have on my younger sisters. but up until this point i have played the role of “The Perfect Daughter.” i am the one who gets straight As, does the housework and babysits without complaining and without being asked, always keeps a tidy appearance and volunteers at the local Boys and Girls Club, Soccer Club, soup kitchen, and helps the Girl Scouts organize their cookies. I never do anything they would consider “bad,” such as drink, smoke, drugs, cheat, steal, etc. i can’t even lie. I’ve always tried to be a good example for my younger sisters (not that they have ever followed it). So, i guess i even expected for myself to do well througout college, then get a perfect job, get married to the perfect man and raise a perfect little family. i thought this was my role in life, until i met my present girlfriend and everything vanished. i guess i feel i will be letting them down somehow. i’ve spent my whole life trying not to disappoint my parents, but i know i’ve got to be truthful to them and to myself. i guess the only thing i’m really contemplating is… tell them now, or tell them later?

present situation : 19 year old college student on full scholarship. they don’t really support me financially, not that they would cut me off. they have met my girlfriend, without realizing that she is my girlfriend on my last trip home. they absolutely adored her :slight_smile: oh, i’m so nervous!

Its not all vanished. It really hasn’t. They will even see this. They have to know what a great person you are, unique and special and wonderful. This minor thing about the plumbing of who you love does not blemish that in any way. Your parents know you, they raised you, and they should be very, very proud of you. They know you are great. They can amaze you with how much they love you. Even if you surprise them. They raised a great daughter who has been lucky enough to find a love that they think is a great person as well. It should end up okay.

You are still Perfect, you are perfectly you. Go rock the world.

Yep. Speaking as one good girl to another…

Don’t do it then. Coming out over the holidays really isn’t a good idea… I don’t want to sound depressing or anything, but… the holidays are a very stressful time. There’s 80 million things to worry about in most cases- relatives, food, if Uncle Morty’s been drinking too much…

In my personal opinion, it’s not fair to you or your family to come out at such a time. Coming out is effectively throwing a big old wrench in the clockwork, and it’s better to have it at a time where it can be dealt with.

Like I said before… context.

Best of luck, though.

Things do change… I’m only 18; I came out damn young and it took my 'rents 5 years to deal with it. They did, though. Just be ready for it to take awhile for them to realize that yeah, you’re still their daughter, and you’re still as good as you were the day before you told them.