Ways to not come out of the closet.

  • During your brother’s wedding reception.
  • During a major holiday, especially Thanksgiving.
  • To your ex boyfriend by saying “It was all your fault.”

-The Goodyear Blimp at the Super Bowl
-When your nuclear power plant is about to explode (Courtesy of Smithers and Mr. Burns-“Thanks for making my last moments on earth socially awkward.”)
-A message in cake icing
-Singing telegram

-during your wedding to a member of the opposite sex
-during your son’s barmitzvah

I always thought a singing telegram would be the way to go…

But on my Not To Do list…

-At a titty bar. (“Actually, Greg, I’m not into all this. How about we go make out at my place?”)


-In the locker room.

-By actually bursting out of a closet. In a tutu.

No. But telling that to the ex boyfriend’s friends would be funny. “No, no. David turned me completely off men.”

During a bris!

“Oi! I nearly lost a schmeckle and a whoopish in it all!”


[ul][li]While your mother is going through menopause.[/li][li]While telling your parents you’re changing majors from something butch to something artsy-fartsy.[/ul][/li]
I did both of those things. Oy. Took years to get past it.

On the other hand, if I really wanted to get to my dad, I could easily have said, “Dad, remember all those times when I wanted to play catch and you said you were too busy? It’s all your fault!



How about by means of a phone call to your mother from the police informing her that you (a teenager at the time) were arrested for sodomy in a parked car in a public park? (Didn’t happen to me but did happen to an acquaintance of mine. The guy had a southern Baptist fundie mom to boot)

Good thread andygirl. I’ve always felt that if I had a child who was gay, I wouldn’t want the kid to come out in the typical “Thanksgiving Dinner Scenario”. I would hope that any child of mine would do it with a little style and creativity.

Like on a roller coaster. Just as we get to the big drop he or she can say “Dad, I’m gay.” Then we can both go “Yeeeehhhhaaaa” while holding our hands over our heads.

There are times when I really wish that everyone knew this advice.

During your own wedding reception.
In the delivery room.
During your child’s birthday party.

After your father has awakened after major heart surgery.
On the other hand if he’s going the have another heart attack maybe that’s the best place for it.


In 1995 I moved back to Atlanta. My best friend and I found an apartment to share and signed a contract. Then, a couple of days later he called me up:

HE: There’s something you should know about me before we share an apartment.

Now, I’m thinking he’s going to say “I leave the lid off the ketchup” or “I always drink the last beer” or something like that, so I decided to make a joke of it and guess the single least likely thing possible.

Fiver: What? (snort) Are you gay?
HE: (amazed pause) Yes!

Then the conversation went into a confused phase, where he thought I’d figured it out on my own and I thought he was just playing along with the joke. Took several minutes to sort it out.

I was one of the first people he came out to. We were roommates for the next three years, so whenever he came out to anyone after that their first question was always, “Oh, so you and Fiver…?” and he’d hasten to add, “No, no! Just roommates!”

Doesn’t really conform to the OP, I guess, but it’s a fun story so I like sharing it.

Standing on a table at your local Biker Bar.

On stage at a KKK rally.

At the podium of a function sponsored by the Republican National Committee.

Anyplace within earshot of guys named “Tiny”, “Meathook”, or “Bubba”.

Actually, I think this is when they thought the rapture was occuring, when they found the skeleton of the angel.

Actually, this is one of the top 10 BEST ways to do it. And it’s hilarious to boot.

Moms have a special way out -
Having your mom try to set up you (her daughter) on a lesbian double date with her. “I know this girl that you have sooo much in common with. Did I mention she’s a pinch hitter?” Matchmaker, matchmaker…

Never never never come out to someone in the car, when you’ve got a 3 hour drive ahead of you.

Bad, bad idea.

When you are 90 years old and on your death bed

Better late than never, right?