Friends bringing boyfriend into group

In My Humble Opinion
1

I’m going to go insane if I don’t post this now. I need to sleep, and I won’t be able to until I get this off my chest and know there might be some comments by morning.

I have a group of girlfriends. The relevant girl right now is J. J is a wonderful person, but very reserved and not very affectionate. I am a very affectionate person, and thrive on physical contact and chatting.

D, a guy, has just entered the group as a friend (we have one gay guy who only hangs out with girls anyway, and that’s it). D quickly comes to like J. D told another girl in the group of this, and another girl figured it out some other way. I found out today by sitting in the backseat of a car with J and D and them snuggling and holding hands.

My problem is I’m platonically jealous and resentful of J and D. I look up to J a lot - I might even value her the most out of all my friends. But J has never been very affectionate, and all of a sudden she’s cuddling with D on the couch.

My question is, how do I deal with this jealousy (I’m not the only one feeling it, there have been more than one of us burned when a friend drifts away with a new boyfriend)? J’s basement is our meeting place, so expecting D not to be there is unrealistic. I’d like to be able to say we should just go out and have an all-girls night, but that would disclude our gay friend. And since D joined the group first as a friend, it seems rude.

We’ve never dealt with this before. None of us have brought a boyfriend into the group before, so we’ve all been on equal footing. Suddenly, there’s someone who gets more attention and affection and we’re thrown off balance.

I’ve been running on a different schedule (daylight hours) than the group (night owls) for the past year, so I already feel so horribly out of the loop. I broke into tears in front of J today, who reassured me that we’d always be friends. Easy for her to say, she’s moving into another city with one of the friends as a roomie and a second girl is moving to the same place in a different apartment. I will have none of the group left here in fall.

I feel like I’m losing ground fast. I’m going to the lake on Sunday, and asked J and her future roomie if they want to come. D assumed he was invited too. How do I politely say I just want my two girlfriends to come?

I crave that sort of affection so badly it is skewing my viewpoint. If I had someone to cuddle with, maybe I wouldn’t be so damn bitter. I just - it just hits me in the heart and I want to cry. It’s been less than 24 hours since this new revelation came up, and I already feel nutso (I have mental issues).

I used to use J as a pillow. Her shoulder, her knee, whatever. It was our thing. And I can’t do that anymore, because one of her shoulders is occupied by a guy and I don’t want to intrude.

I feel like I’m going insane, no matter how many reassurances I get, I still freak out. I have serious, serious issues with friends, and holy shit, I just feel like I’ve been subjugated to the last rung because of a relationship lasting less than a day.

2

The annoying cutesy stuff will probably tone down over the next few months. There still in the beginning phase of their relationship. It’s just something you’ll have to learn to deal with until then. If they don’t stop, just start joking with them - “Get a room guys!” that sort of thing. They may get the hint.

As for going to the lake, just be honest with your friend. - “I was hoping I could spend some time with you without your boyfriend being there.”

Try not to make a big deal out of it. Of you’ll come across as extremely jealous and end up pushing her away.

3

Your group of friends is not a monolith or a mountain. Think of your group as a sand dune. You lose some, and pick up new ones on the way. Things change, life changes, friends change. Accept this fact, and you’ll be happier. Jealousy is the most unattractive emotion and will lose you more than it seeks to protect. Also, don’t deny your in-love friends their happiness, no matter how much their billing and cooing annoys you. As AngelicGemma says, it will wear off.

4

You friend’s behavior does not sound unreasonable to me, however you sound a bit clingy and desperate to keep and hold their attention focused on you. Perhaps some time away from the group is in order?

5

Are you a lesbian? I don’t quite understand why you resent a gal pal who cuddles with her boyfriend when she doesn’t get all touchy-feely with you. That’s how courtship IS with couples. You said this is the first time a guy has been introduced to your group. It sounds like you’re young. You need to understand that this is the way it’s going to be.

Don’t feel bad about having the occasional girl’s night out. That’s normal too. Just be sure to let everyone understand when you’re having one. No one’s feelings will be hurt.

6

Very cool analogy.

7

The title of your thread is a bit misleading because J didn’t really bring her boyfriend into the group, per se. He came in as a friend, and the two later hooked up. That’s a bit different.

How old are you guys? Since a lot of them are moving away in the fall, I’m guessing 18 or so? If you guys are just going away to college you’re really going to have to get used to these kinds of things. I had a close-knit group of friends in high school and when I went to college? Never saw 'em again. And in college? I had a couple of constant friends throughout but it was more or less a revolving door of friends. There’s just so many people, it’s hard to keep a constant, tight knit group going.

And not to offend but out of genuine curiosity, I’m also curious about your relationship with J. Your jealousy seems a bit more than friend stuff. Basically, you’re used to being the one to cuddle with her and are upset that someone else is now filling in. Are you sure the jealousy is totally on a platonic level?

8

If D was already part of the group before he and J got together, just say “no boys allowed” or something non threatening and cute. Talk to them about how you need girl time. He’ll understand.

9

As that boyfriend in a similar situation, I guess I’d have to say “that’s how it is with couples.” The biggest difference is that I’m not the first boyfriend to be brought in. Still, if D is anything like me, he probably feels a bit like an outsider, anyway. The best thing to do is to make him feel as welcome as possible so he’ll “blend in” and perhaps be just as great a member of the group as any of the others. (I’m biased, but I still think this holds true.) If your irritation gets back to him, it’s going to cause all sorts of strife, since your poor friend will feel as though she’s in a “him or you” position, which is never fun, and always breeds resentment. I’ve done my best in the same position as D not to do that. I’ve stumbled a few times, sure, but I really want to integrate into my girlfriend’s circle smoothly, and I hope her friends accept me.

It doesn’t sound as though he’s crashing all of your events without anybody’s consent–his girlfriend has invited him to join you all. Sure you feel a little cut off from her attention, but clearly she wants the sort of companionship a male can provide in addition to that of her female friends.

I’m the same way, with the genders reversed. I mean, of course I was a little unhappy that I wouldn’t see one of my best friends as much when he started dating his current girlfriend. He wasn’t the guy who was always there for me anymore, or so I thought. When it came down to it, though, he still was. Now we’re both dating amazing girls that neither of us would give up for the world, yet we still get the time to see one another and just go back to being the two dorks who used to swing bamboo sticks like swords when we were in grade school. Just tell J that you want some girl-time. FilmGeek and the others who have posted before me are right.

Whew, that’s probably my longest post ever. Take it as a sign that I’ve put a lot of thought into a similar situation. Oh, and just for your peace of mind’s sake, don’t think this is terrible. A little bit of jealousy like this is normal–when your best friend gets a new cool friend, or when a new sibling is born, or, as in your situation, when dating begins. Your job is to recognise that jealousy, reject it, and adapt to the new situation. Your post is intelligent, introspective, and well-thought out. You seem more than capable!

10

Hi, my name is D. (No, not really, but I’ve been D in this situation.)

My law school owned an apartment building that I moved into for first year. The sixth floor was exceptionally close, because it was almost all first-years, and because R was an exceptionally glue-like person who organized events and outings that everyone went with. I started out as the token guy in the group - I was the ‘pet guy.’ They’d feed me (inviting me to dinner), water me (by buying the drinks when I was playing bouncer for them) and take me out for walks (through bad parts of town), and if anything scary came by, I’d growl at it (particularly when guys at bars got scary).

Soon enough, E and I got close. R became intensely jealous for reasons that were clear, but don’t apply here unless Kalhoun is right. It doesn’t matter, anyway. R would sit between us at dinner, try to claim cuddle space on E, lay down on the floor next to her like a cat, that sort of thing. So, kushiel, I feel like I can offer some valid discussion on this topic. These are all generalizations, of course, but I think they’re true by and large.

Guys understand Girl Time. We really do. If we’re told about a girls’ night out, we won’t try to interfere. In fact, as politically incorrect as this is, we’re even willing to dispense with the vagaries of society and not bitch if the gay guy participates in a girls’ night out. (We accept that the Supportive Gay Friend is a stereotypical position that we can’t fill, and as a result, we’re willing to give a wide berth to that guy.)

It would also be good if you understood that D isn’t trying to supplant you. He’s not trying to steal J from you. I realize it may feel like that, particularly when they want alone time. (This was another thing that my R didn’t quite grasp.) However, if everyone’s acting in the common interest, everyone needs to respect Girls Time and Alone Time. If this isn’t something that’s happening, you need to have a conversation with J, preferably one that doesn’t involve tears, and tell her you’re feeling like the balance is off. Trying not to act like it’s Me against Him will be very productive, because no one wants to choose between friends and boyfriend.

You deserve to be treated like a friend, kushiel. So does J. Part of that is knowing that your friendship can adapt to things that happen around it, and being secure that your friendship can withstand normal things like someone getting involved with someone else.

I hope that I can help you see what D might be thinking, and that this is helpful. Good friendships withstand things like this, and I’m sure yours can.

11

In my experience, the best thing a person can do is learn how to make friends with themselves.

Friends are great, but there are always times that they will let you down. No one person can be everything forever to someone. No group of friend will always been entirely equal with nobody ever feeling left out. Your friends will hurt you. You will sometimes feel lonely or left out. That’s not unusual and it happens to everyone.

Competing with an SO is a lost cause. For the first few months, lovers basically lock themselves in a closet and don’t come out. After that, they will have grown to love and rely on each other more than anyone else in the world. It’s just human nature. People act crazy when they are in love. It will happen to you, one day, too.

If you turn it in to drama and start getting emotional- and especially start putting emotional pressure on your friends- you will push them away. You will start to become “work” to them and become something they don’t want to deal with. Causing emotional drama among friends just digs you in to a hole.

Learn how to go to a movie with yourself and truely enjoy it- buy yourself a box of popcorn and revel in not sharing it. Go to the library and spend all day wandering silently among books. Learn to go on walks. Start a journal. Enjoying solitude is a skill that needs to be cultivated, but it’s one that will serve you well througout your life. You have to find the strength within yourself to get you through the times you friends let you down.

12

…I’m coming back to this with 8 hours of sleep, and I feel a bit foolish.

I got a new prescription on my anxiety meds, and was neglected to be told that instead of the 15mg tablets I take twice a day, I was given 30mg tablets, but I continued taking them twice a day, so I was doubling my dosage. I was taking the maximum recommended dosage by accident. I think I’ll feel better when I’m at my regular dosage. :slight_smile:

So, yeah. I realize now that this is going to happen and everything. J and I have been friends for a damn long time, and the city they are going to university in is close enough that I’ve already called a weekend couch.

We’re late bloomers when it comes to relationships. Yeah, I’m 19, and I’m going through the 14 year old emo crap now. But I really, really appreciate people on the boards that pull people like me through their emo crises!

13

I know how you feel about being supplanted for snuggles. I am very close with my best friend to the point where I sleep in her bed whenever I go over to her apartment. We often snuggle and watch movies together and sometimes it seems to get more girlfriend than girl friend. When she started seriously dating her current boyfriend, it cut back on our snuggle time. Previously, when we’d go out with a group of friends, I’d always sit beside her and we would often hold each other or rub the other person’s back. Whenever he comes with, I can no longer be as snuggly with her as I like. If she lived with him, it’d be worse because I wouldn’t have occasional night time snuggles.

My advice to you - either try to find another snuggle partner or ask them if you can still snuggle with her. My friend’s boyfriend is fine with us snuggling, taking showers together, etc, basically everything but sex. Although I miss getting 3 or 4 full days worth of snuggles, I am content with once or twice a week.

14

I can’t help but say that you two seem to have quite a friendship! :stuck_out_tongue:

15

Not mine, I have to admit. Strangely, this guy’s. He’s good with analogies, though: “It’s just a sensible, well-priced four-door saloon car… that goes like it’s running on a cocktail of Tabasco and horseradish”.

16

I was thinking the same thing! :eek: :smiley:

kushiel, I know this is off-topic, but I have a lot of experience with anxiety - I could send you an email on this if you would like.

On topic - sometimes it helps to remind yourself that your friends/boyfriends/whomever are your friends because they like you, just the way you are. They will continue to like you as long as they do; you can’t make anyone like you or keep on liking you, but you can make them dis-like you if you try to push them. It’s our nature to try to cling to things and try to hold on to them, but people and relationships don’t thrive that way.

You’re heading into a time in your life when you and your friends are all going to be going through massive changes; sometimes you’ll handle them well, and sometimes you’ll falter. We all go through the same thing (me included).