As some of you may know, I have a friend in the Marine Reserves. Last week, he came back from a 4-month stint in Kuwait and Iraq. I won’t go into the politics at all, so let me just say up front that we’re all glad he’s back and I’ll leave it at that.
Just before he left, he’d told me that he’d had a couple dates with a woman from his church. More power to him. When we went to the desert in the middle of the night to pick him up, she came along. I thought this would be a good chance to actually meet her.
Apparently there’d been some heavy letter-writing going on between them: She had a shirt with a picture of both of them on it and “I love you” across the top. When he showed up they hald a minute-long clench while I stood to the side and tried to avoid staring in the throng at this relationship that I’d had no clue existed. In the past week I’ve had less then four sentences in conversation with him, and half of them were “I’m glad you could come” and “Thanks for being here.” Oh, and one phone call, but he was in the middle of rushing out the door to her and couldn’t chat.
Crap. I don’t begrudge him for finding love. Wish I could do the same as easily. But all I knew at the time was that there had been two dates; now I know that they’d known each other for years. I’m feeling shut out and I’m pissed off about it. I know that it’s silly to be so and I really have nothing to hold against either of them - and yet I am anyway, and I feel bad about feeling bad about it. Why did he keep this from me?
He’s my best friend, and he always will be. But jeez… It’s like he’s still over there, with the amount of contact we’ve had. And I’m being immature for feeling this way, and I’m glad they’re both happy. But couldn’t I have heard the slightest bit about it before they slammed tongues in public?
This has to be the most beautifully self-contained thread ever Brahe.
Except for me posting here, you could claim the title of ‘Threadkiller Extraordinaire’ by spelling out the problem and finding a solution all within the one post.
I konw from experience that sometimes it’s awkward to tell your friends and family that you’re dating someone seriously, especially if there is or was a long distance element to the relationship. I’m sure he didn’t mean to shut you out.
On the other hand, I plan to tell people about my relationship before they witness any public tonsillectomies. So mileage varies, void where prohibited, see your dealer for details.
If you’re a guy posting this I will admit to being a bit puzzled at your reaction as most participants in male friendships instinctively understand that actively involved M+F sexual relationships will usually always trumph whatever brotherhood thing you’ve got going on at the moment, and quite frankly most men would also understand the desire to keep some relationship information private and not be upset that he hadn’t shared this with you.
If you’re a female your feelings are perfectly normal and self explanatory.
For not trying to be sexist, astro, you’re doing an amazing job of it.
Male or female, it’s perfectly natural to feel like the fifth wheel when a close friend is starting or cementing a new romantic relationship. As long as you don’t go all nasty jealous about it, don’t worry too much about it. It’ll pass. And if your friend totally freezes you out, talk with him about it in a non-confrontational “I statement” way.
BraheSilver, been there, done that. When my best friend broke up with her longtime SO I was sorry for them both but in the back of my mind I thought, gee now I can see more of my friend. I joked with her a few times about her getting back into the dating scene and she just rolled her eyes and said she wasn’t looking. Shortly thereafter I come to find out she is in a torrid relationship with a coworker and has no time to spend with me. I can’t say I was jealous, but I was disappointed. sigh…
If you say so Otto, but I can only speak to the way I have observed a group of heterosexual men who are friends react when one of the “crew” initiates a new relationship with a woman that takes up a lot of his previous “buddy” time. There is normally little if any “jealously” as his male friends inherently understand that “buddy” relationships and “romantic” relationships are very distinct categories and in the initial stages of infatuation “romantic” will always triumph over “buddy”. Men are also generally much less likely to share the details of serious romantic relationships or feelings with their male friends except on a fairly surface level.
For whatever reason, I have observed that women who have platonic male “buddies” have a more difficult time making this category distinction, and are often somewhat resentful of interloping romantic relationships with other women that take their buddy time away. In addition they are often quite hurt if their male buddy kept this relationship private and did not give them any background of this relationship before he revealed it.
I don’t know if the heterosexual friend relationship dynamic between men is different than that seen between gay men or between women, but I do know that male heterosexual realtionships are designed from the ground up to fairly easily “let go” if a friend becomes romantically involved with a woman.
Well, astro, YMMV, but if you assume that the majority of all male/male friendships are easily “let go,” then what the fuck’s the point? My guy friends are not merely placeholders until I get myself a woman to take care of my needs.
Brahe has a close friend who’s brushing him off for a woman, and while, as you and Brahe himself say, it’s fairly understandable, it doesn’t mean that he shouldn’t feel a little left behind or ignored.
Brahe, you might, depending on how you think this would go over, just mention to your friend, “hey, I’d like to go hang out just the two of us, we haven’t gone out for drinks (or whatever) since you’ve been back,” and set a time for it.
Sounds like your boy is P-Whipped [WHOO-CHAA!!!]. Guess four months surrounded by men and camels will do that.
Astro is completely off base. Most guys know better to dis their homies over some new ass. At some point, that initial passion wears off and settles into a routine of shoe-shopping, quiet nights out and renting movies staring Sandra Bullock (not Speed or Demolition Man) or Julia Roberts (not Ocean’s 11). Soon, he will need to break up such required tedium by grabbing a few beers with the guys.
Forget that sensitive touchie feelie stuff. Guys only respond to one thing - peer-pressure. Give him the whip-cracking sign a couple times and he’ll straighten up.
Or you could always just find a girl to date.
Personally, I do not like being a fifth (or is it third?) wheel. If you want to hang out with your girlfriend, don’t bring me along unless there is a group. Last thing I want to do is sit there trying to wedge into a 2 person conversation with such inane utterances as “so…you must really like Dave” or “yeah…we go way back” or “is it true he has a really big cock?..we thought he might…cause he seems like he gets a lot of super-hot girls…not like he would cheat on you or anything…not like we think about Dave’s cock or anything…cause that would be gay…not that there’s anything wrong with that…these girls are pretty hot though…whooo!..I hope Dave get’s back here with those beers soon…”
I feel for you. But a friendship is not a static thing, not some block carving on the mantle that is, now and forever. A friendship’s a living relationship like any other, and it’s no less valuable–social media PR to the contrary–simply because eros isn’t involved in the dynamic. And like all relationships, they grow and wither like anything else–and each one is a two-way street. Statements like the quoted bit worry me quite a bit when I hear them–they’re pretty much tailor-made to maintain suffering.
I agree that it really sucks to be an extra wheel but sometimes you’ve just got to wait it out. It sounds like this was largely based on letter writing when the guy was basically humping sand in the desert, it was probably overly idealized in the letters. Give them some time and your buddy will come back to reality after a while. No relationship can long survive constant togetherness. He may still be working to get some too, which understandably takes a little more concentration, but once he gets in he should be able ease up on the lovey-dovey stuff a little and start taking some breaks from her. This part of the relationship usually burns out after a month two and then it’s just normal boyfriend/girlfriend stuff.
I hope they at least have the decency to refrain from making out in front of you.
Don’t worry as soon as they break up, he’ll be over at your house getting drunk and requiring physical restraint from dialing her number to call her a dirty whore.
My best friend went to college for 4 years and came back) after no contact other than an occasional letter) with a fiance. They’ve been happily married for 5 years now.
