I like LifeSavers. I’ve been enjoying them since I was a wee pup–and that’s been a long time. In that time, there have been changes. Various flavors came and went. Lemon had its own roll for a while. So did grape, which wasn’t available in any of the assortments. Strawberry. Tangerine. Assort-O-Mint. Tropical Fruits, a great favorite of mine since the '60s, used to include coconut and pineapple, but about ten years ago they combined those into “pina colada” and added a fruit punch flavor. The less said about “Fire Fruits” the better.
But for decade after decade there was always the good old Five Flavor roll. The basic LifeSavers experience. Cherry, orange, lemon, pineapple, and my own favorite, lime. But there was some nonsense on the Candystand website threatening to change the Five Flavor roll. And tonight, in the grocery store, I first noticed rolls with “New Flavors!” emblazoned on the wrapper. Oh dear. Well, judging by the colors on the wrapper, it looks like they’ve at least brought back grape, evidently at the expense of pineapple. Grape is good, but dammit, they shouldn’t tamper with a classic.
So I brought a pack home. Opened it up. Ahh…first on the roll is the comforting green color of lime. I pop it in my mouth.
What the fuck???
This isn’t lime.
It’s fucking WATERMELON. They DITCHED LIME AND REPLACED IT WITH FUCKING WATERMELON. YES, I KNOW…er, I mean, I know I’m shouting! But this is outrageous! They can’t just ditch lime, for God’s sake!!! These are LifeSavers. There’s a tradition involved here.
Okay, next up is cherry. Good old wild cherry. As good as lime, really. But then the next piece is red, too. Two cherries in a row? Erk–no–it’s raspberry. OK, now they’re really screwing with my head. Raspberry belongs in the Wild Berries assortment. Or Fancy Fruits, if they’re still making that. What the hell’s it doing in Five Flavors? Five Flavors is yer basic working man’s candy: cherry, lemon, lime, orange, pineapple!
Next…dammit, it’s another watermelon! They’re rubbing it in, those bastards!
The final damage: lime is out. Bye-bye orange. Sayonara, lemon. Yes, all the citrus flavors are gone. Hello, watermelon, raspberry, and–no, the purple stripe on the wrapper didn’t signify grape, it’s blackberry. Only pineapple and cherry remain from the real Five Flavors.
Sigh. Is nothing sacred anymore?