As long as I had a proper understanding with the young lady, it was terrific. That equals three “great relationship and happy times” versus one “best we don’t see each other again”.
My fault, totally. She wanted more of me than THAT, and I should’ve listened to the Little Voice telling me so. If I had, I bet we’d still be buddies. REGULAR buddies.
The other ones, though…VERY much a good idea, and all parties had realistic expectations that I think were fully realized.
Rule of thumb: you can fuck your buddies, but you can’t fuck your friends.
Been there, had some great sex, with no regrets. But YOU must be emotionally stable and honest with yourself. You’re setting yourself up for a big hurt if you’re not prepared. I completely agree with Otto’s post up there.
Nay for me. I’ve never been a fuck buddy, but I’ve come close a couple times.
I don’t understood the desire to sleep with a friend but not have a relationship. Is the “we’re not in a relationship but can sleep together regularly” born out of the fear of the committment, or of losing the friend themselves, or what? You obviously already care for the other person, and you’re obviously sexually attracted to them, so why not just…date–and see what happens? If it’s a desire to still have the option of sleeping with other people…keep it non-exclusive. The success/failure rate of both practices I’d imagine is similar.
While I’m sure some people can make it work, it’s not for me. If I needed to get laid but wasn’t ready for a relationship, I’d have a one night stand, rather than run the risk of ruining a friendship.
Orange Skinner, it’s really one of those things where it only is feasible if you honestly only want no-strings sex. I don’t wish to be involved in a relationship right now, as I have neither the time, nor the desire to have a full-on relationship with anyone. I do want to be able to have sex though, and not with random people.
So having a fuck buddy works well for me. It keeps me emotionally string free, yet still lets me have a little fun.
And to those who said you cannot fuck friends, I must agree. It really only works well if the person is someone you aren’t overly close too, and if the lines of communication are left clear and open about the whole thing. I’m also going to agree with Otto on the whole not-overusing-the-same-person point.
It is very hard to avoid emotional attachment to someone you see everyday.
So my vote is a yay, but you must be honest with yourself that you don’t want anything more from the person, and ensure that both of you are clear on it. It does take some maturity, but has benefits if you aren’t looking for the strings a relationship brings.
It’s great IF you can pull it off, but as has been mentioned it’s very hard to pull off.
The one time I managed it we only saw each other once a month or so, no time to get attached.
Addendum: Wait until after the football game to fuck your buddies.
It can be done, sex can be a totally physical act, much like playing a game of volleyball. It is only a problem if one person can’t view it as just a physical release.
There’s a wide variety of feelings that you could have for a person to enjoy sex, not necessarily love: lust, friendship, comradery; to mention a few.
Been there, done that: twice. The first one worked like a charm, he’s now married (so am I). The second ended in a meltdown but we are in friendly terms now.
Well, this is always a fun topic. Here’s my own experience, for what it’s worth:
I had a close guy friend in college. (More than one, actually, but that’s beside the point, as I didn’t sleep with the others.) We really were just friends. Both of us had several long term relationships throughout college. We weren’t particularly attracted to each other sexually and the issue never really came up- until we got drunk at a party.
See, we lived together (with 8 other close friends) and had thrown a huge bash. Both of us got sufficiently hammered and decided to call it a night. We were sharing a room at the time. After sitting around and talking for awhile, he blurted out something like “You know, we’ve known each other for a pretty long time. Do you ever wonder what it would be like to…you know.” I answered something like “I hadn’t really thought about it.”
We were both free of signifigant others at the time, so we decided to give it a shot. No strings, no relationship, just sex. It was okay. We went ahead with it for a few days, got bored and stopped. Life went on as usual.
A few years later, we both broke up with our long-term SOs in the same week. I was at his apartment and ended up staying the night because I didn’t want to walk home that late. We decided that, as we were both horny, we might as well. So we did. The next day, things went right back to normal. It never came up again.
We’re still very good friends. It didn’t change anything. However, if either of us had been even a slightly different person, I don’t think it would have ended as well. We were both stricken with a kind of “relationship apathy.” In other words, we were too lazy and selfish to want real relationships of any sort. Thankfully, we outgrew that phase and found happiness elsewhere.
I guess my point is that “fuck buddies” can work out perfectly well, but I think it’s a rarity. Hell, the last time I tried to have a “fuck buddy,” I ended up marrying him. We’re happy and I’m glad it ended up this way, but I still laugh sometimes and think “THIS wasn’t supposed to happen!” Aside from the occasional one-night stand, all my other experiences either ended up as some sort of relationship or a situation where feelings were hurt.
My advice is tread carefully. Sex is a great way to lose a friend.
In theory (were I single, which I’m not) “yay!”, but in practice, “nay!”. I’m not morally opposed to it at all, but I’d expect a little more emotionally than, “Thanks. See ya!”
:eek: The mind boggles . . .
I certainly hope you don’t think I’m coming down on you all the time about this but I seem to keep running across your threads and I can sense your frustration about this whole “having a girlfriend” thing.
While I agree that there can be instances where sex is merely a physical release and not the grounds for some neverending relationship, I think that given the place where you are in your life right now that casual sex is not going to give you what you’re looking for. And, in the long run, make you even more unhappy.
I am not preaching for you to wait forever (I didn’t) but to make sure you are at a place where whatever you choose to experience will be a good memory for you and not a bad one (like mine).
Amen, amen, amen. I have had one successful fuckbuddy. We were living in the same house and hit it off right away. But because we were living in the same house we saw things about each other that we knew would have been dealbreakers if we ever tried to have a relationship. We kind of jokingly flirted, and one time when he bemoaned the fact that it had been a long time since he’d slept with anyone, I more or less on a whim said, “Well, Im right here” (or words to that effect). We kind of blinked, and thought about it for a day, and then had an actual discussion about keeping things casual (I was in the process of ending a long-distance relationship and didnt want to start any sort of relationship for a while, he wasnt in a relationship but there was someone he was interested in and hoped to be able to start something with). We slept together a few times, and the sex was great, but then he actually did start a relationship with this other woman and we called it off with no hard feelings. We are still great friends and meet regularly for lunch or a movie. I think the key is that throughout the experience we kept talking about how we were feeling - checking that we werent developing romantic feelings for each other. Plus neither of us were in our first flush of discovery, of sex or relationships.
Like hyperjes, every other time Ive attempted to have a fuckbuddy, it has either crashed and burned miserably or turned into a kind of relationship, which later crashed and burned miserably.
Well, I wanted to have sex but not with any random person. I knew my friend was in a similar dry spell and I trust/like/respect him. I don’t have a terribly exciting social life so meeting someone to date isn’t likely right now. My Fw/ B doesn’t live close to me so that prevents us from ruining a good thing. I don’t care to have a long distance relationship and I think he doesn’t care to have a relationship in general, right now. I’m not looking to sleep with anyone else, we’ve talked and both agree that if we meet someone else, the other would step back. If that happened, I would hope to remain friends with him, though it may be a bit awkward at first, I think it’s possible.
As always, YMMV.
Even though sex without love is pretty good as far as empty experience goes, it is still empty experience.
To you, perhaps. But then, that’s what you’ve been taught to believe.
It depends upon what YOUR (the person doing the deciding, not you personally Ryan), heart, mind and soul can handle.
Some people are perfectly fine with it. Some would find that their desire to have an actual relationship and not accomplishing that, would eat away at their heart and emotions too much.
I’m that way, always have been, even when I was a hot young 20something. (so there ARE girls who don’t just want to f**k around with anything in long pants).
Judging from your posts, you seem to me (sorry if I put on my mom hat for a moment), to be the latter. That is, that you would feel sad and as if “half the loaf” was NOT in fact better than no loaf at all.
If I were you, I’d hold out for the real thing with someone whose attitudes and beliefs were more like my own.
JMHO
I had one for a while that worked out fine. We met, and obviously had chemistry and attraction, but hardly ever saw each other due to other commitments, work schedules, etc. One night we were on the couch at her place, and looked at each other, and That Look passed between us. I was about to go in, then stopped and we had a very brief conversation…
Me: “You’ve seen my schedule; I don’t have time for a girlfriend.”
Her: “I’m not good at commitment.”
Green light!
We got together a few more times, always being totally honest with each other about what was going on, and always with the caveat that if either of us needed for any reason to call it off, then that was fine. After a month or two, I called her one night and she said, “Well, I’ve sort of met someone…”
I said, “Great! Congratulations!” and meant it, and we haven’t gotten together since. I run into her now and then and give her a hug. She’s a sweetheart, and I have nothing but warm and friendly feelings toward her.
On the other hand, Ryan_Liam, I’ll go ahead and echo others’ sentiments: this can be a great short-term setup, but it’s not for the inexperienced, and certainly not for someone who’s hoping to get into a “real” relationship.
I didn’t say I was preparing to have a fuck buddy, I just wanted to know the implications, I don’t want to have a thing like this, but I would like to tell my friends the pros and cons of what they are getting themselves in for.
And Aries, I wasn’t upset, I was actually agreeing with you.
Personally, I think that if you can have sex with someone without getting your emotions involved, and they can have sex with you without getting their emotions involved, wear a condom, take your Pill, and enjoy yourselves.
Me, I don’t think I can do it. For whatever reason, and I’m not sure exactly why, I don’t think I could just have sex without getting some sort of emotional attachment. But that’s just me. Your results may vary.