My working defintion of self-confidence: being able to choose a course of action or belief (with some rational basis) and hold onto it. Arrogance, then, is an unwillingness to change that action or belief, even though said basis changes or is wrong. Personally, I try to weigh evidence when making decisions. However, doubt arises because I know I’m not perfect. But I make the best decisions I can with the evidence I have and go with them; what more can I do?
I’m also skeptical of presented evidence, generally trusting my own experience over that of others. And this is where a difference of perception regarding whether someone is self-confident or arrogant happens. Someone working from a different basis may find me arrogant. If they will listen to my reasoning, perhaps they’ll change their mind. I listen to their reasoning, weigh it based on my experience, and am willing to change if it’s convincing enough. Perhaps our experiences will be so different that we cannot agree; fine, my decision stands.
It seems to me that the “swinging-dick” syndrome you’re talking about can largely be attributed to either a lack of forming that basis or a lack of self-doubt. Put more bluntly, laziness of thought or stupidity. YMMV, as may your conception of self-confidence.
Having never remotely been “Mister Manly Man of Manhood,” but still having a reasonable supply of self-confidence in a reasonable array of situations, I thought I’d jump in.
Since I’ve been married for nearly 14 years, it’s been awhile since I was in the dating scene, but back in the mid-1980s, I went on a number of blind dates with women. (Met most of them through the dating classifieds, if it matters.) I went into those dates with a reasonable amount of what I’d call relaxed self-confidence. So what was this quality, and why did I have it?
First of all, it wasn’t confidence that I would ‘wow’ them in some manner; I was sure that wasn’t gonna happen. And it certainly wasn’t confidence that I’d wind up in bed with them. No, it was a couple of things: first, that despite my myriad flaws and insecurities, I was someone who was, on the whole, fairly likable. Not that I was trying to ‘sell’ myself as even that; my goals for the evening were to be interested in the woman I was on a date with, to try to put her at her ease, and share things about myself that were appropriate for a first date.
And I believed I could hold up my end of the conversation well enough to do that. Hence confidence.
After the initial date (if there was reason for an ‘after’, which there wasn’t always), from there it was simply a matter of “I’m really looking forward to seeing this woman again. Maybe something will come of it, and maybe it won’t, but it might.” I wasn’t thinking about confidence; I was thinking about her and me and what we were going to do together - not in terms of success or failure, but in terms of having a good time. And I think that’s why we always did.
Nothing “fine-grained glossy black hand-tooled Italian-leather” about it; all I had to believe in was my basic likability and social competence, and to be interested in the other person.
See? There’s really a lot less to it than you’d think. ‘Nice guys’ can do this. I speak from experience.
Confidence is what’s left when you’re completely naked. The “fine-grained glossy black hand-tooled Italian-leather” is just stuff. Of course, we live in a culture that worships “stuff”.
(Nice rant, by the way. Feel free to get level-headed at any time.)
I think you actually do have confidence! you have embraced your inner Dougness and seem just happy about it. To me that is confidence; knowing what you are and what your are not. Thats real confidence.
The other type of confidence is brought on by outside factors, be it beer, drugs, or friends. It never lasts, and when its gone you usually go back to being scared and alone.
The OP is starting from a rough spot because some of us never confused confidence with suckling at the leather tit in the first place.
Sounds more like a rant against “putting on airs” and “bravado” than confidence.
If stepping on your own dick from time-to-time gets in the way of your self-confidence, then you need to back up a few squares.
But you know what. . .we all think people should have good “self-esteem” and a lot of confidence. But hey, if you can’t do anything well – and I’m not saying the OP can’t – then what the hell do you have to be confident about? If everything you’re ever tried, you screwed up, you probably shouldn’t have confidence. You should probably enter into new endeavors with caution.
There are some people out there who don’t seem to be able to get ANYTHING done that they try.
They. . .
Can’t cook.
Can’t sing.
Can’t dance.
Can’t do math.
Can’t be funny.
Can’t organize others.
Can’t organize their thoughts.
Can’t run fast.
Can’t throw a ball.
Can’t save money.
Can’t drive.
Can’t ride a bike.
Can’t write well.
Can’t take a test.
Can’t impersonate a chicken.
Can’t lose weight.
Can’t play poker.
Can’t paint.
Can’t do nowt.
I don’t know what they do. Buy Italian-leather products and/or get a lot of tattoos, I guess.
Whatta they got to be confident about, though?
I think there is a difference between self-confidence, and the appearance of confidence. It sounds like you have decent sized doses of the first, which is good. From my experience, the latter is easy enough to add to the repertoire. If you want to appear confident, smile. A lot.
Note: Obviously, a genuine smile is much better than a forced one. If you’re happy, show it.
Oh come off the bush-league stuff. 
Doug!
Dude, you’re confusing a couple things.
The yuppie who’s so worried about advancement and has to wear the nice clothes and kiss ass and get the hottest girl ain’t confident. None of the characteristics you mention in your OP describe confidence.
It’s not about being the biggest swinging dick in the room, it’s just about knowing what you can and can’t do, and especially knowing what you can do well, and having the internal strength to step up and say what’s on your mind.
A great rant!
I feel sorry for you guys, always having to be all bold and fearless and have feelings that can’t be hurt. I don’t think I could do it.
But, what the heck does “self-actualization” mean?
Bollocks! We don’t have to be fearless to be confident, and only fools think we are without feelings. The ‘man is a hunk of granite’ days are over. I am confident in myself, what I can and can’t do, who I am, etc. Doesn’t mean I am without doubt. And I am deathly afraid of rats.
It comes from the work of a 20th century psychologist, Abraham Maslow. Maslow suggested that human needs come in hierachies, like a pyramid, with each needing to be fulfilled before the next can be properly addressed. At the very bottom are basic physiological needs: food, ait, water, etc. Then comes safety and security, like shelter. After that, love and belonging, then self esteem. At the top of the hierarchy is the pinnacle of one’s personal fulfillment of need, the need for self-actualization. Self-actualization is a slippery concept, but it basically means growing into yourself, becoming the person that you were “meant” to be.
GomiBoy I’m sorry, I didn’t mean for that to be an insulting post. I was trying to say that I really do think that men have a lot of pressure put on them. I was trying to say that I care. I guess I didn’t express myself well.
I think this deserves repetition:
It seems to me that a lot of the “nice guys” in the “nice guy threads” are on a single-minded quest for a Relationship. When they meet girls, when they talk to girls, when they go out with girls, there is one thing on their mind and it ain’t sex. It’s the Almighty Relationship. They get so into the idea that they need to have a Girlfriend right now, goddammit! that they start pitching some serious woo too early in the game. And that scares girls off, because it’s a hell of a lot of pressure. I don’t want your happiness to be totally dependent on me. Hell, I don’t even know you. I just want to have dinner and maybe play some mini-golf afterwards. And if I like you, we’ll go from there, but there’s no hurry. And if you try to rush me, I’m liable to lose interest.
It’s one thing to be open to the possibilities. Go on a date, sure. See what happens. If you think she’s open to a move, make a move. But you can’t go into it with an agenda or a timeline, trying to make the girl love you in four dates or less. Just hang out. Talk. Have fun. Enjoy the time without trying to figure out what everything means and where it’s going. Realize that the world will not end if this doesn’t work out. It won’t end if the next five don’t work out. Doug is still Doug, regardless of whether or not there’s a Dougette in the picture.
It’s not really confidence that girls are looking for. It’s independence. It’s someone who goes out with you because they like you, not because they need you. And if you have that, if you know you’ll be happy whether or not you have a girlfriend, then you should be fine.
hmm… Beware of Doug … is your handle from the The Far Side ?
Here’s something to look for: People who are truly self confident are generally not afraid to say “I was wrong”. People who hem and haw and deny and twist and argue when shown they were wrong are not self confident, they’re just the opposite. Of course, be careful taking my word for it, I’m an idiot.
My GOSH. This is so close to being IT in a nutshell. Yes, and when a man approaches a woman with the latter attitude, rather than viewing her as merely another human with NO power over his feelings or his life, that all by its lonesome is frequently enought to turn her off.
People, (not just we women) can smell “OH my GOD I’m not good enough and I’m TERRIFIED” a mile away.
Somehow, someway, people (not just guys) gotta “fake it til you make it”. Practice on lots of girls for whom you have absolutely no interest at first. Something, ANYTHING to help you get the “confidence” you need.
And I’ll 14th what everyone else has said 'don’t confuse confidence with arrogance".
In addition, search “nice guy” and read those threads, LOTSA good advice in those threads.
Doug, Othersider… meet your triplet! 
Me too; I once had a boss that told me to grow some balls. Ironically, we had a great working relationship.
I found that a lot of people that exude confidence are indeed fake, bathing in vanity and self-reassurace by criticising of others. There’s one guy I have in several of my classes - obviously the Alpha Male type, with two or three guys in tow at all times - who is just like this. Swaggers in late, makes fun of classmates who ask questions, not polite - a real asshole for sure, but I’ll bet a lot of people mistake it for confidence.
Me? I’m a cocky son of a bitch; I think I’m good at everything I do.But I’m very careful, very selective about what I do, and I know enough to know that I don’t know everything. So, you’ll never see me put something on the table without a lot of thought (or practice) before hand.
… unless I’m pissed off or lazy, in which cases I’m more likely to be reckless…
Anyway, a lot of people will see this as hesitation, take the hesitation as weakness - weakness of self - and say, “buck up, boy - you need more self confidence.”
Fuck 'em. You know yourself best. If you’re staying quiet or being timid because it’s your nature, then it’s your nature, and you’d probably be worse off acting otherwise.
The self-confident man cuts himself some slack when he messes up on something. He knows he’s not perfect. He knows that nobody gets his shit together once and for all. He tries to make amends, learn from it and move on.
It doesn’t really have do do with manliness. If it did, then women who were self-confident would be masculine.
Roland, I really, really like your insights – the modified version.