I guess the obvious example would be sitting around a bar, enjoying a beer, and doing some ‘people-watching’, but at the same time feeling oddly self-conscious. Is it a black/white “either you are/appear confident, or you aren’t/don’t” situation? Or are there things you can do to seem less self-conscious?
I’m thinking particularly about: eyes darting around the room too much (or not enough), making awkward conversation with strangers too much (or not enough), sitting up too straight in the stool (or not straight enough)… that sort of thing.
It’s certainly not a black and white situation. There’s clearly a continuum between being supremely confident and being downright uncomfortable looking, with most people being in the middle.
I don’t believe you can successfully fake confidence but you can probably improve yourself if you are so insecure that your eyes are darting and you’re skin is clammy. And since it isn’t a black and white deal, getting rid of those negative quirks would be a big improvement even if nobody is going to look at you and remark how confident you seem.
What I would prescribe is figuring out which of those things you mention that you actually do and making a plan to fix it. Maybe ask a close friend or relative to observe your worst habits since a person probably isn’t in a good position to judge themself.
Remind yourself that you are not special. By this I mean, whatever you feel, lots of other people feel, too. You are not the only nervous person, lots of people are. They’ve just learned to hide it better.
Remind yourself that no one really cares what you do. Seriously, think about people. They just don’t put a lot of thought into things. No one goes home and thinks “Win Place Show sure was acting weird today at the bar”, or if they do, it’s for half a second and then they move on.
Ask yourself - even if they do, do you really care? I mean, you know in your head why you are nervous, right? And it’s not because of any nefarious reasons, you just are. Their opinion should not really matter to you.
All of these things are things that you slowly realize as you get older, and they helped me a lot.
Also be open and vulnerable, and take up a lot of space. Don’t cross any limbs, and don’t hold your drink in front of your chest like a shield. Adopt a Buddha (or George Clooney) smile. Make direct eye contact with everyone.
It’s absolutely possible. The trick is, the best way to appear more confident is to actually be more confident, and that takes some work.
I realized at some point that professionally, I wasn’t coming off as confident as I needed to be, so I went on a bit of a mission to improve my professional confidence. It worked wonders, and these days I waltz through interviews and job fairs with ease. What I found worked is:
Develop actual reasons to be confident. For me professionally, that means I improved my credentials, acquired some in-demand skills, made sure I did my research about the people I’m talking to, and bought a killer suit and wore it around until it felt natural. In dating, this might mean working out a bit, making sure you are dressed to impress, keeping up an interesting life so that you have interesting things to talk about (do anything to mix it up- meetup groups, movies, join a skeeball league…), and generally just making sure you are on top of your game. Make it a practice to keep up with news and the basics of pop culture and always be armed with at least one current “interesting thing” you can talk about. Practice always presenting your best, even if you are just hopping over to the grocery store. When you get in the habit of always looking good, you also get in the habit of always being confident.
Practice, practice, practice. A lot of confidence is just raw practice. Think about teachers- they are all, universally, nervous on the first day. But at the end of the school year they are walking in and teaching without even a moment of hesitation. When you do something enough, the nervousness wears off. For me professionally, this meant I’d go to career fairs and talk to everyone, even organizations I wasn’t interested in, just to get used to it. I went on job interviews for jobs I didn’t care for. I even used looking for housing and online dating as a way to just get used to talking to strangers. For dating, practice catching people’s eye on the subway or at stores, just for the sake of doing it. Go on OKCupid dates with people you aren’t necessarily attracted to as practice dates. Chat up strangers in public, just friendly chatter. Try to exchange a few words with store clerks and taxi drivers. It will be uncomfortable at first, but soon it will become more natural. You can definitely make yourself in to one of those people who can talk to anyone.
3 Read up. There are lots of books out there about understanding body language, improving communication, and making connections. A lot of this stuff is BS, but in even the most ridiculous book you can usually find a few really useful ideas. Spend a few days in the library browsing through books on dating, sales, and body language. Read widely from a lot of different approaches, even stuff you find obnoxious like pick-up artist stuff. Toss out what you don’t like, but keep what seems useful.
I would refer to Anaamika’s post. People are usually so concerned about what other people think of them that they’re not thinking about what you (general) are doing, except in the most general of terms.
Seriously, think about how concerned you are about how you appear to others. Then realize that everyone else is probably thinking the same thing to one degree or another.
Oh, and when you’re speaking to someone you don’t know, just pretend you’re having a conversation with a friend. If you avoid talking about things like whether they have a boyfriend, religion or other topics that are probably better for a later discussion, you’ll be more relaxed. And don’t go into a bar or something specifically looking for a date. Look for an interesting conversation instead. It can a) make you more comfortable, b) help you avoid putting your foot in your mouth or seeming like a greaseball and c) may eventually result in a date.
Change your definition of success. i.e. success is not: “I’ll get that gorgeous woman to leave with me tonight.” Success is: “I’ll talk to at least five people and make at least two of them laugh.”
Once you set your goal for the evening, focus on it, not on the attention you want from a specific person.
Also, there’s a simple trick to obtaining the right posture for the situation (open, relaxed, straight but not stiff, etc.) Pull your shoulders back as far as you can, really exaggerate it like you’re trying to tough your shoulder blades together, then press them down. They will rotate a bit as you press down and fall into the correct position. Then your head will come back and your chin up, and you’ll find you lean back a bit onto your hips for better balance. Perfect.
It will feel a bit awkward at first because it changes your center of gravity, but if you remind yourself to do this several times per day it will become natural, you will feel better and look better and people will begin to respond to you differently.
I have a 3-word mantra that I use when I find myself in unfamiliar and potentially unnerving situations:
“I belong here.”
Whether it’s a business meeting with colleagues I’ve just met, or a bar full of regulars I’ve never been to before, repeating the above to myself is a simple but effective way to help me stay calm and feel less self-conscious and intimidated.
That’s the equation. Confidence is just arrogance from sexy people. If you want to be confident, you have to be arrogant but also sexy. If you act like you’re a badass (arrogant), and you are a badass (sexy), then you’re perceived as confident. The girls say “Wow, that guy can do anything!” If you act like a badass, but you aren’t a badass, then you’re perceived as arrogant. The girls say “He thinks he’s so cool, but he’s not.” If you don’t act like a badass, and you are sexy, then you get put in the friend zone. The girls say “My friend Jim is cute, but he just doesn’t do anything for me.” If you don’t act like a badass, and you’re not sexy, then you’re perceived as a creep or loser. The girls say “Wow, that guy doesn’t get the hint. He won’t quit talking to me, and he stinks.”
Remember, though, arrogance merely means how you display your own ability. It can be anything from shooting pool to throwing your millions around to just having a “can-do attitude” at work. Sexiness doesn’t just mean bodily hotness. It can also be anything from driving a cool car to having a party skill like card tricks or bartending.
Wow, I disagree completely. Arrogance is status-oriented, shallow and being interested in what other people might do for you. Confidence is based upon actually liking oneself, and being interested in other people as personalities.
To appear arrogant one must only over-dress for the occasion, shake hands too hard, and purposefully make others ill at ease. (For instance, by maintaining too much eye contact, or invading their personal space.)
Arrogance is never sexy. It might be good at getting laid outside it’s age bracket, but it’s never sexy.
The problem with this is that, being the biggest guy in most rooms I enter, I tend to have bruised and bleeding knuckles a lot- and for some reason, the broken nose hurts a lot more when I give it to myself, as I know exactly where to hit…
It doesn’t make me look confident, either, but I get dates from those girls who find me crazy in a Fight Club kind of way…
If you were a lot sexier, you could pull that off and women would clutch their chest and go “Look how confident he is!” So, y’know, if you were Batman.
I didn’t say arrogance was sexy. I said that sexiness converts arrogance into confidence. Two men could say the same things, walk the same way, and do the same things, and a woman’s evaluation of whether it’s arrogance or confidence will be determined by how his ass looks in those pants. In other words, the only difference between an arrogant man and a confident man is how hot they are.
ETA: You definition of arrogance is wrong. Both arrogance and confidence are based on liking oneself. But others’ evaluation of which it is depends on how much they like you.
This is a big thing, which accounts for my own nervousness in a lot of situations. I feel like I’m intruding or I’m not supposed to be there. When I do feel like it’s okay for me to be in a place, I’m far, far more relaxed.
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Arrogance is presumptuous iow baseless. Confidence is based upon reliance upon one’s abilities or worth.
The difference between the two manifests generally in a sort of nervousness or frenetic quality to the energy behind arrogance.
While I understand your confusion - because confidence is sexy and arrogance isn’t - I assure you that sexiness results from the difference, it’s not the causal link.
