That’s good. Another one is “I own you”. It sounds terrible to say it, but when you think it, it comes out right.
That’s…pretty creepy, and goes past confidence into arrogance.
You don’t say it out loud.
Probably even creepier when whispered.
snerk
The first time I heard about it, I had a WTF? moment. Why would anyone even think that? But I was encouraged to give it a try, and I was surprised to find that it works. It definitely sounds strange, but if it works, it works.
OP: most of even sven’s “practice” advice is good, except this part. Using innocent people builds arrogance, not confidence; if I ever found out that I was anyone’s “practice date” I’d want to smack them.
No, but it seems to me it’d still encourage an arrogant attitude. If it works, it works, I guess, but I’ll pass on it.
Hmmm… I see this as approaching the confidence/arrogance distinction. To me ‘confidence’ is: I belong here. It’s an extremely ego-centric (in a good way) view that has no implications on anyone else’s worthiness, and is unconcerned about their view of your own worthiness: I’m bad-ass.
Arrogance is ‘I own you,’ it’s an outward looking assessment of your worthiness based on comparing it to someone else’s: I’m more bad-ass than you.
Get another drink. No, really. See how confident you feel? Note how much more loose, talkative, and happy you are. Good, now just try to emulate that when you don’t have two or three drinks in you. Or just drink more; it’s easier short term. Not drunk. Elevated.
Very good points. The thing is, if you’re in an extremely intimidating social situation, then you might not believe “I belong here.” If you start with “I own you”, then “I belong here” becomes much easier to accept. If you already feel that you are among peers, then “I own you” is indeed arrogant. I only recommend it when you really need a sudden burst of confidence. Think of it as something that can level the playing field.
Taking people out to dinner and having a nice time isn’t “using” them. I wouldn’t suggest going on dates with people you are categorically uninterested in and that you are just plain incapable of dating, or using OKCupid to meet people even if you are married or otherwise not looking for what you advertise you are looking for, but if you are dating, date widely and broadly and as often as you can, and use that time to really learn to enjoy just getting to know other people. Even if it’s not a love connection, it’s still a good way to practice being interested in people and showing it, which is the foundation of having good people skills. Don’t lead people on or misrepresent yourself. But don’t say “no” to a first date just because there isn’t instant chemistry. It’ll be good experience for you either way, and hey- you never know what’s going to happen!
even sven, I went on one of your silly “practice dates” a few years ago. Stupid divorced suburban soccer mom who loves country music and dancing. I planned on it being the worst hour of my life.
It ended up being the best year of my life. I still regret not marrying her, but I’ll never regret going on that date.
If we’re talking about a bar situation. Sit up straight avoid folding your arms. That part should be easy to fake.
Replace “ugly” with “unsexy” as I defined above, and that’s precisely what I’m saying. This whole idea that women are attracted to confidence is a farce. The perception of confidence in someone is the result of being attracted to them, not a cause. For those you’re not attracted to, it’s just arrogance.
What you just backpedaled and described are actual dates, not “practice” dates. The practice dates that you recommended to the OP are insulting: self-confidence built at the expense of others is actually arrogance.