Fuck you, brain

The BBQ Pit
1

I would like to pit my brain, and brains in general. They sit up there, warm and secure inside the skill, constantly waited upon and served by legions of neurotransmitter systems, like they are a fucking king or something. They consume the lion’s share of oxygen and nutrients. They are super sensitive, easily hurt, not easily repaired.

And what do we get in return? A faint recollection of past events. Like, a REALLY faint recollection. My brain can barely remember what I ate for dinner last night. But it remembers in vivid detail all the times I made a jackass of myself courtesy… my brain. It’s not that my brain cannot remember things - it WILL NOT remember things I want. It has happily written into permanent storage all the mean things people ever said to me, and all the astoundingly dumb things I did growing up. But not the precious details of the vacation last summer.

At work it is no better. It struggles to learn. It hesitates to apply itself to a problem. The logical thinking circuits are all scrambled up. At 11 am the little fatball demands a nap. Nap and it feels groggy for the rest of the day. Do not nap and it feels miserable and refuses to concentrate, also for the rest of the day.

It procrastinates endlessly. That deserves its own post. I will get to it someday.

Fuck all that, let me try some meditation.

Me: Begins meditation
Brain: “YOU’VE BEEN HIT BY, YOU’VE BEEN STRUCK BY, A SMOOOOOOTH CRIMINAL”
TADALALALA TRALALALA HAHAHA

The music cortex, if there is such a thing, is laden with worms that only wake up when I try to meditate.

Little bitch cannot keep quiet for a second. It jumps around with monkey-like ease, bringing up random buried memories from the embarrassing events database. It rejoices in the misfortunes of others. It craves carbs and sugars even as it understands how unhealthy these are. It is fucking incompetent in manufacturing its own neurotransmitters and requires years or decades of external supplementation. It won’t manufacture enough melatonin to sleep at night, nor enough activation factors to stay awake through the day.

Fuck you, brain. I would gladly exchange you for half a mountain goat’s spleen. You worthless piece of neuronal sphagetti ball.

2

I can support this. My own gray blob seems to take a “screw you, body, I’m going to brood and obsess half the night, and I don’t care if my carrier vessel needs actual sleep” attitude.

3

In defense of brains in general, they are severely “over-clocked” in terms of constant demand, decision making, and overall stress from a variety of different sources. That’s why we have “memory leaks” and increased mental errors of many different kinds.

Our communications and computer technology have become so sophisticated that our brains never seem to have a time to rest. We can never truly leave work behind because we are bombarded by emails and text messages. We are in a race to be faster and better, but we are only moving faster because no one can outstrip the competition because the competition is moving just as fast.

4

So I will quote the wise advice of the poet Pink: “Change those voices in your head, make them like you instead”.

But easier said than done. I hear ya, brains are better at being zombie food sometimes. :slight_smile: Thank god for Xanax .

5

I don’t even use mine, anymore. I don’t think, I google. I google, therefore I am.

6

Brain & brain! What is brain!?

7

Have you tried updating the operating system?

8

Maybe we just need one of these when it comes time to think about more than eating or putting on sexy clothing.

9

“Pinky, are you pondering what I’m pondering?”

“FUCK YOU, BRAIN!!!”

10

Laptop, meet coffee shower.

11

God knows I try. But they just tell me to go fuck myself.

But at least I don’t have it quite as bad as Joe Tracini.

12

:laughing: My brain ordered the release of pee when I read that!

13

I have a note from my doctor that says I don’t need to use my brain anymore if I don’t want to.

14

All brains are all kinda flaky, and definitely ill-suited for how we all (ab)use them in 2020.

But our dear OP @mandala seems to have drawn a particularly crappy one. You should ask for a refund or at least an exchange.

15

Always check the name first.

16

Someone sent this brain adrift on Lake MI

https://www.google.com/amp/s/nypost.com/2020/09/16/man-discovers-brain-washed-ashore-on-beach/amp/

17

My name is Pinky and I support the OP.

18

Is that from something, or is it just a selfie you took to post in this thread?

19

It’s from the Star Trek episode that John_DiFool was quoting from.

20

And where do you think that technology came from, huh? It came from BRAINS.

The brains, they are out to get us.