I Want A New Brain

The BBQ Pit
1

I am really disgusted with my brain. I have always been assured by everyone who knows me that I possess a fully loaded, top of the line brain, one of the best brains to be found in the Human series. (Those few who say otherwise are political enemies who will do ANYTHING to destroy me, and also various friends, acquaintances and family members who envy my mental endeavors.)

Oh, yeah, brain, you’re good enough to keep track of the nefarious goings-on of super-villains like Karl Rove and Scooter Libby. You’re good enough to write kickass bondage fiction. You’re good enough to detect tiny little minute errors in complex tables. You’re a very good brain, I hear.

So why is is that hurtling down the road this morning at 70 mph on the interstate, in rush hour traffic, did you decide that it was FUCKING NAPPY TIME???!!!??? What is it about being cheek by jowl with huge transfer trucks going the same speed but driven by meth-fuelled speed freaks, and in the company of people in sedans, SUVs and sports cars, who think driving under such conditions is a good time to read, eat breakfast, shave or put on cosmetics, that makes you feel so fucking SAFE that you can barely keep my eyes open?

Why did I have to roll the windows down repeatedly to let some cold air in, change my posture, and generally do everything I could to keep you awake so I wouldn’t end my days as a greasy spot on a stretch of pavement? Don’t you realize that the commute is by far the most DANGEROUS part of my day?

But here’s what REALLY gets to me is that when I get to work and the worst thing that could happen if I fell dead asleep was that my head might get bruised on my keyboard when it hit, you’re fucking WIDE AWAKE. You are TOTALLY with it! You couldn’t BE more alert. You can even compose shit like THIS!

Really, this is NOT GOOD. I want a replacement. Equal or better, the warranty said …

…What do you mean, you DIDN’T READ THE FINE PRINT!!!

2

Brains suck.

No matter how often I roll my eyes at yours, I don’t think you did too badly in the noggin-filler department.

(You just need to put down the bondage pr0n earlier and get some sleep!)

Seriously, though, if it happens again, start reading up on some problems like apnea or PLMS. They can cause narcoleptic symptoms.

3

I’m pissed at my brain, too. It can instantly recall millions of bits of useless trivia and historical facts. It has astonishing memory for the written word and is quite inventive when it comes to problem-solving. All in all, I’m quite pleased with those functions.

But the damn thing can’t remind me I need to pick up the dry cleaning. It can recite historical events with incredibly minute detail, but can’t remember that Hubby asked me to pick up some milk on my way home. It can remember every book its owner has ever read, but can’t recalll passwords.

It also can’t do math, but that’s another issue.

4

I was gonna mention something about my brain, but I can’t seem to remember what I wanted to say.

5

“Sure beer kills brain cells…but only the weak ones!”
I think I’m down to a corporal’s guard by now.

6

I really wish I could take all that space that’s packed to the rafters with Simpsons lines and Belinda Carlisle songs and PLU numbers from stores I haven’t worked at in over ten years, and fill it with useful stuff instead.

I also wish it would stop with its habit of picking up Billy Joel and Elton John songs and playing them on repeat. I hate Billy Joel and Elton John, why can my brain not understand this?

[Homer Simpson]Brain, I don’t like you and you don’t like me. But if you can just get me through this, we can go home and I can continue killing you with beer.[/hs]

7

Buy your New Brain from Brainz R Us!
We have a great many models to choose from.

:smiley: :wink:

8

Sewing machine, Mrs. Nesbitt!

9

:smiley:

10

Ever since I saw the subject for this O.P., my brain has decided to endlessly replay a Huey Lewis song:

*I want a new brain
One that won’t go away
One that won’t keep me up all night
One that won’t make me sleep all day

I want a new brain
One that does what it should
One that won’t make me feel too bad
One that won’t make me feel too good

One that won’t make me nervous
Wondering what to do . . .*
Make it stop!!!

11

Mmmmmmm… brains…

12

If it is any consolation, earworms have now afflicted 98% of the populace. The other 2% are lying.

This thread reminds me, I have a brain to cut up today. It’s been fixing in formalin for four weeks. It’s ready.

[Peter Lorre voice]

My old flame
I can’t even think of her name…
(I’ll have to look through my collection of human heads)

[/plv]

13

I used to think the brain was the most important organ in the body, but then I thought, “Well, who’s telling me that?”

Credit to Steven Wright or Mitch Hedburg. I forget which one of them I got that from.

14

I heard Steven Wright use that one on a morning radio show just a week, or so, ago.