Dear Asshole,
I work downtown. I work at an newspaper office building downtown, to which I wear a shirt and tie. I do this because a) it’s more or less required and b) I like the way it looks. Today, I am wearing a very cool Jerry Garcia tie; it’s blue with yellow and red diamond patterns.
I don’t know what you do do downtown other than hang out on the sidewalk with your girlfriend and smoke pot, but I can see pretty easily that it doesn’t require any sort of dress code.
I have had a bad day. Hell, I even started a thread about my bad day in MPSIMS. Not that I expect you to read MPSIMS due to the aforementioned pot smoking and hanging out, but I just wanted to put things into perspective for you.
Don’t think that it wasn’t blatantly obvious that you were going to try pulling some sort of shit when I walked by. The way you and your lady-friend stared at during my entire walk down the sidewalk made it painfully clear to anyone who wasn’t stoned out of their mind. However, I really expected something better than:
“Hey, dude. Dude, that dude over there? Dude, he said that he wanted to choke you by your necktie, dude.”
Please. I’ve heard better insults on the Disney Channel.
I decided to just let it go. I really don’t want to have a confrontation. Like I said, I’ve had a bad day. “Wow,” I said as I walked by. “That’s too bad.”
But no. You just HAD to get the last word in and follow up with an even crappier insult.
“Dude, how come, dude?” You asked. “You don’t think you could take him, dude? He’s too strong, dude?”
No, dude, you’re mistaken. I don’t think it’s too bad that I’m not going to fight the guy (who had no idea any of this was even happening). No, dude, I think that it’s too bad that you don’t go out on the road. I mean, you’d be a fucking awesome one-man show. I’m sure you’d be a hit on all the second grade playground circuits.
Not that I say that to you or anything. Like I said, I don’t like confrontation. No, I just walk past, flash you a smile and say “Yeah, something like that. Later.”
If you said anything else behind my back, I didn’t hear you. But, dude, I just wanted to let you know something. If you’re going to be a complete assfuck to random people on the street just because they’re not wearing baggy pants and a sideways hat, at least learn some fucking good insults. That, or at least bulk up a little. I mean Jesus Christ, the Bubble Boy could’ve taken you out. From inside the bubble.
And dude, one more thing, dude. You might want to consider getting a dictionary, dude. Because, see, dude, some words get a little bit repetetive, dude, when they’re said every other word, dude. Especially if they had their peak usage around the same time as the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were running, dude. Cowabunga, dude. Now get the fuck out of my way.
-Walt
