While I think it’s assholish of him to not stop by once in eight years , it’s the children that are the worst. Not seeing your mother for eight years? Wow! That’s pretty fucked up.
I can’t imagine doing that.
I agree that the children are the ones that really should be visiting regularly. Who knows, maybe the husband/wife had an agreement that he should move on if anything ever happened to her. I know that my husband and I have discussed that.
Minor nitpick - she’s in Canadian healthcare, so most if not all of her healthcare expenses should be covered by her provincial healthcare plan. At least, that’s what they keep telling us.
I dunno; I don’t know the situation, but it sounds kinda shitty to me. Putting aside the fact that he’s her husband and made some serious vows, and her kids have no other mother, I’d visit someone who was just a friend in that situation once in a while. It’s hard on him? I’m guessing it’s no friggin’ picnic for her, either.
ETA: My husband and I just discussed this, and he said he would come visit me. He said he would have to, to put the pillow over my face. He’s a prince among men. 
Does your mother know for sure that neither the husband nor the kids have actually visited her in 8 or 9 years, or is it all just heresay and speculation? If the former, I agree, it’s probably not the best way for them to handle the situation. Even a crappy mother and wife would deserve more than that.
But the OP reminded me too much of certain families that I know, mine included, where one old biddy gets on the phone to another, sometimes younger, biddy, and tongues get to wagging and nobody really knows shit about the situation, but it’s fun to sit there and condemn and judge and be certain of your own righteousness were it you living the lives of the people you’re gossiping about. And if you care enough about the woman to condemn her family for their actions, then I think you should care enough to actually do something about it- more than just talk about it and condemn.
My mother was in a nursing home after she had a stroke. It was not easy to visit her and see her like that - but I did it. How could I not? She was my mother.
I can semi-understand how the husband could move on. I cannot understand the children not visiting. To me that is below low.
Given that she’s in BC, I don’t know that all her assets have been eaten up by her care. But if her assets were being consumed to fund it, wouldn’t you think that would provide an additional incentive for the husband to actually seek a divorce, so that his assets could be protected?
Alice the Goon, and aptronym, I don’t see the OP actually expecting that the husband or daughters provide daily care for her cousin, but no visit in eight fucking years? Come on, that’s effing cold.
My father’s mother (The woman of whom he said, “I’ve got an in-law problem - I can’t stand my wife’s mother-in-law.”) was annoying most of the time I knew her, and degenerated into toxic. Visiting her was a trial. Even when she was trying to be loving her definitions were so skewed it was hard to realize that’s what she was trying to express. When her definition of loving was saying things like, “I’m glad you’re not seeing that guy anymore. He’s the wrong kind of people.” (To this day I still don’t know whether she was complaining that he was Asian, or that she was complaining still because she decided he was my gay lover. Rather than being my former college roommate whom I could bum a ride off of, while I had a four hour layover at Newark Airport.)
Hell’s bells, while I was living in the same city she was in, I told my parents not to tell her where I was living and working. There was no way in Hell I was going to be able to visit her more than the once a year I was already doing. And she would have tried to insist on those visits.
At that, visiting her was far, far less draining than visiting the body of my Grandfather, after Alzheimer’s had left as a semi-ambulant shell. I remember one visit, vividly: My mother (his daughter), my other grandmother, I and my parents’ dog all went to visit him. He sorta recognized my grandmother. Of course she visited daily. He definitely recognized the dog. My mother and I were complete strangers to him.
So, believe me, when I say I can understand why a visit to a home or hospital bound person can be hugely emotionally draining. I know just how a toxic personality can make one feel the need to run from family.
But, I swear, I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I’d never once visited my grandmother in eight years while I lived in the same fucking city.
It may be that the OP is exaggerating, or misinformed, but on the face of it, I’m with her - the so-called husband, and the daughters, need to get spines and spend a simple fucking half-hour with the woman. Maybe once every other year.
ETA: Alice the Goon, just saw your most recent post, and that’s a position I can’t argue with. I may not agree with your conclusions, but they seem a lot more reasonable to me than the position you were originally taking.
Good- that’s what I was going for. After my original post, I was like, well, maybe 8 or 9 years would be kind of cold… but then it’s hard to know what their relationships were like back before her stroke.
My father had a stroke a few years ago, and I’m sure many in my family are running me down for not coming to see him in ten years, or even talking to him on the phone, but those are the family members that are not close and are blissfully unaware of what kind of father he was to me, so they really don’t know the whole situation like they think they do. If they called me, I’d be more than happy to share with them, but they’re not that interested.
Maybe it’s a cultural thing. I haven’t seen my dad face to face in nearly ten years, but in no way do I feel away or apart from him. Just got an email a few minutes ago, he said he was going to spend a little of his spare time tracking down the statue of Hachiko so he could take a picture of it for his daughter in-law. She grew up in another culture, but the faithful dog story is pretty damn universal. I can call him whenever I want, and I never have to-- 'cause we’re cool. Does that make sense?
My wife’s entire family freaks out if they don’t get together at least two times a month to dish all over whichever cousin couldn’t make it that day. And they bicker, and hold grudges, and shit that crosses borders, and it always takes years to fix their petty awfulness. Like it’s worth it.
I don’t want to sound like an asshole, but how do you know this? Can she write? How has she demonstrated that she still has her mental faculties? You have not seen her for 15 years. She has not spoken in 10?
What spooje said, and…
There’s a whole lotta stuff going on here, and it’s not necessarily as black and white as ‘abandoning her’, either on the husbands part or the kids. It’s very easy to point fingers and apportion blame and neglect when you’re not one of the immediate family.
I cannot begin to imagine the pain and suffering that is felt by family members when a spouse or parent ceases to be the person that they once knew. Whether it be via an ABI or stroke or dementia; it must be incredibly difficult to maintain any sort of relationship with that person. Personhood is not just about the physical body…and I must admit to sometimes wondering about the motivations/sanity of those who DO continue to care for and visit family members who have no contact with the real world in any meaningful way (parent tending a child regardless of age excluded in this instance).
IOW, I wouldn’t be so ready to condemn the family for their alleged abandonment. Sometimes the best thing is for everyone to get on with their own lives, particularly the kids. Why should they spend time and energy and ‘love’ on someone who is not the person they once knew if it’s just a burden with no reciprocation?
JFTR, I have told (and regularly remind) my now adult kids that their only responsibility to me once I lose my mind is to help me die…either actively or through a second agent. It is NOT their job to visit or feed me or change my soiled bedsheets while I ‘vocalise’ like a moronic infant.
I’ve been in this situation and I would be very careful before jumping in to criticise anyone.
Here’s the story:
My parents were wonderful throughout their lives.
I invited them to live round the corner from me when they were elderly, so my sister (who lived about 40 miles away) and I could look after them.
Dad became very frail towards the end and had to go into a residential care home (when my mother was rushed to hospital and later died).
At first, I visited Dad every day. I wanted to and I felt terrible that his beloved wife had died (60 years happily married). All his friends were dead or unable to travel and Dad couldn’t hear the phone well.
But it was incredibly hard. He was nearly blind, in a wheelchair and obviously had little new to say each time. I wasn’t sure whether to talk about family memories because he was still mourning Mum.
I used to sit in the cafeteria after each visit and cry.
The nursing staff, who were wonderful, gently explained that I shouldn’t come so often. Not only was I cracking up, but Dad was expecting me daily and would worry if I didn’t come for any reason.
So I came weekly and Dad adjusted to that.
He died 6 weeks later and to be honest it was a relief (though I felt guilty even thinking that). He had no quality of life, so I think it was a relief for him too.
I’ve been in grief counselling for over a year now and it’s really helped - but it shows how hard all this is.
Yes, family should visit.
However it can be incredibly draining.
I have sat with people whose parents have Alzheimers or senile dementia and I really do not know how they cope.
I’m surprised that people seem to feel that the kids have more of an obligation than the husband. If the woman has been incapacitated for ten years, and the kids are in their 20s, they were pretty young when it happened. It’s not exactly uncommon for 20somethings to be sufficiently busy and self-involved as to not bother with their healthy, NOT absent-for-most-of-their-lives parents. Would it be nice if they were more involved with their mom? Sure. Is it surprising that they’re not? Hell no.
I’d put more of the onus on the husband, he *volunteered * for the job. That said, ten years is a long time, and why the hell *shouldn’t * he move on? Should he live the rest of his live without a companion because of some bad luck? Does the OP believe that her cousin would wish that on him? If I became physically incapable of fulfilling the role of a wife, I wouldn’t expect my husband to spend the rest of his life sitting by my bedside. That’s not living, it’s just waiting for death, and I wouldn’t want it for anyone I love.
Of course I do not personally know this as I have not seen her since her strokes. However, my mother, and several of my family members who I speak to/email with frequently have visited with her. I’ll take their word. They’re not gossipping biddies as perhaps some other people are, as Alice the Goon alluded to. Neither was she a bad parent or wife to the kids, they’ve all said what a great mother she was, and husband was goofy in love with her for all the years they were together. Of course this is to outward appearances and what I’ve been told, I wasn’t privy to their daily private lives, yadda yadda.
Despite our geographical separation, we’re a pretty tight family, and we all keep one another apprised as to what’s up. Nobody has ever right out told me until this week that the husband and kids haven’t visited, I just assumed that they had been until I heard otherwise. I would, and I’d expect my husband and kids to visit me once in awhile were I in her situation. I’m not saying that the husband is in the wrong to move on with his life with another relationship, but for pete’s sake shouldn’t he either visit her or divorce her?
As mentioned by others, she’s in British Columbia, in Canada. Her healthcare is covered by the government health insurance plan, and her savings were not drained for this. I don’t for one second think that husband’s not visiting is motivated by money, they are working class people who owned a home and the like, but they weren’t jetting off to Jamaica for the weekends.
I don’t understand the comatose woman’s prognosis. She is mentally alert but then you say she will not recover. Which is it? Because, IMO, there’s a world of difference between a person who is mentally cognizant and someone who’s not.
Either way, there’s really not a good excuse for NEVER visiting your handicapped relative, and that includes spouses, children, parents, and, yes, even cousins. If she’s at all able to recognize people, then you make a point of visiting that person, and giving his/her primary caregiver a break (and support), as often as you can.
If my spouse were a “vegetable” or so incapacitated that the relationship was permanently altered, then I think remaining married while dating on the side is an understandable position.
She is physically incapacitated. She is not paralyzed as she has some very, very limited range of motion. She can not physically care for herself.
I was in my 20’s when my mother had her stroke. Yes, I was caught up in my life. However, I still managed to go visit my mother at least once a week.
The husband may be suffering from a case of the guilts - he has moved on and he may not want to tell his wife.
The kids, however - in my eyes - have no excuse. From the time they were old enough to get there on their own, they should have been going to see their mother. I’m not saying daily - not even weekly - but monthly or even quarterly visits are not much to ask. This is the person who gave them life. Barring any abuse we don’t know about (that would totally change the dynamics of the situation) there is no excuse for not visiting occasionally.
What a prick. Is she able to divorce him and ask for alimony I wonder?
I also wonder if this small town in Northern BC is the same small town in Northern BC that I’m from.
My dad had ALZ. It was much harder on us than it was on him. One of my friends, who was obsessed with visiting her own folks, couldn’t understand why I didn’t go see him twice a day in the nursing home (very close by) and stay a long, long time. She just didn’t get it. The longer I stayed, the more agitated he got, so I learned quickly to shorten the visits. Thank goodness he had good caregivers there who were used to dealing with delusional and difficult people.
Same here…it’s probably a common discussion between married couples, especially when there is some previous family tragedy that triggered “the discussion”.
Or the same town in Northern BC that I’m from.