Fuck you King Kandy, you Sweet-toothed Facist Bastard!

The BBQ Pit
1

Yeah, that’s right. I’m talking about you, King Kandy. The King Himself. Big Man on Campus. Mr. “I’m too cool to give Jester a purple card, thereby preventing him from winning at Candyland just once in his pathetic life.”

Everything was going so well. Right off the bat, I took a trip up the Rainbow Trail, giving me a safe lead in front of my competitors. Then, just two turns later, I drew the holiest of holies, the “Princess Frostine” card, and found myself just inches from the finish, while my enemies were still back hanging out with Lord Licorice.

But you, King Kandy, you wouldn’t have any of that. You kept me sitting there waiting outside the gates of Kandy Kastle, ONE FUCKING SQUARE away from the finish, for Fifteen Minutes. All I wanted was a goddamned purple card.

You even added insult to injury, by giving me the card that sent me all the way back to the Peanut Brittle House.

But then, THEN, you just let that five-year old girl I was playing with traipse her way up, la-dee-da, to the Kandy Kastle, and give her a purple card on her FIRST FRIGGIN’ draw, driving the last nail into my coffin. I never even made it back up to the Lollipop Lane, it was that quick.

To Hell with “Letting the kid win.” You, King Kandy, have oppressed your last adult, and will be the first against the wall when the revolution comes. You and your entire facist, Sugar-Coated Regime.

2

I was going to respond, but I really have nothing to say to this. How the hell do you soothe someone pissed off at Candyland?

All I can do is offer Jester some of my meds.

3

or maybe risperidone… thorazine may be too extreme, but, well, you never know…

oh, yes, umm… I think probably about 3mg/day.

best of luck.

4

Crap…thanks for letting me know what I have to look “forward” to in 5 years… :frowning:

What’s the 411 on Chutes & Ladders though?

5

Gingerbread Man: Help! Help! I’m being oppressed!

6

Yeah, laugh all you want, but you don’t know my pain. Not until you’ve had ultimate victory snatched away from you at the last second, and been met with bitter, grim defeat will you truly realize what I’m going through.

[sub]And honestly, you’re surprised that I ranted about Candyland? I’ve ranted about Sun Chips, for crying out loud.[/sub]

Oh, and beagledave, don’t even get me started on Chutes n’ Ladders. THAT trauma is locked away deep in my subconcious, and I’d rather not have it resurface, thankyouverymuch.

7

My children refuse to play Go Fish with me anymore. “Mom,” they explain patiently, “it’s just a card game”, as I writhe in agony because nobody ever has any Sevens.

And don’t get me started on Mousetrap. That fucking basket on top of the fucking little pole that WON’T STAY THERE.

Both Milton AND Bradley may take turns with the fucking little pole, inserting it into whatever orifices seem appropriately painful. Nostrils, I think.

8

That’s nothing. You should see me argue balls and strikes with the umpires playing baseball on the PS2.

9

two things about candyland.

one: molasses mud. that always cracks me up.

two: my youngest bro has always been hell to play games with. always hated to lose beyind reason, and not afraid to throw a atrocious temper tantrum when he did lose. we wouldnt play with him, so he would play games by himself, and his favorite was candyland (this was when he was very small, he eventually graduated to sorry, parcheesi, and monopoly, even).

he was very scrupulous, even at that age, and he would set up the board, and pick which piece he would be, and play the whole game out, moving all four of the pieces, and rooting like hell for his. and, you guessed it, when his didnt win, he would throw a hellacious temper tantrum, all by himself down in the rec room, turn over the board, lay down and drum his heels, the whole nine yards. the rest of us could hear him from upstairs and giggle helplessly among ourselves, but not too loud, because if you laughed at him, that would send him into further paroxyms of rage.

this still slays me to this day.

10

Seriously, anyone who puts a K in for a C is suspicious.

Candy Land is an evil game. When I played it with campers only the mean kid won. Even after my co-counselor stopped her “creative” game play.

11

I’m so glad to read this thread; I thought my fiance and his buddies were the only insanely competitive people in the world. Last camping trip, they almost had fistfights over ‘Risk’. Just to poke the hornet’s nest for my own entertainment, I throw in the occasional “It’s just a game, you know”. :smiley:

(Oh, btw, these people are all over 30. A couple of doctors, a lawyer, a director of a department of a large, multinational corporation, etc. Sheesh.)

12

Thanks Jester! I thought I was the only one who had this Jekyll/Hyde thing going on. :smiley:

wiping tears away

13

I’m one of them. I play seriously cutthroat Scrabble and Risk. The secret to winning Risk is to sit tight in Australia, collecting your armies per turn, maybe taking a country in Asia to get cards, then when everyone else is down to 1 or 2 armies after endless squabbles over North America, Europe, and Asia, you sweep out and conquer the world! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! (insane laughter of a megalomaniacal global dictator)

14

Whenever my gamer friend, who is very good at many games starts getting a little too big for his britches, we remind him of the Candyland story he wishes he hadn’t told us.

When he was a very small kid, he really wanted to go up the Rainbow Trail, and never did, so it occurred to him that if he stacked the deck, he could do this. So he did. Afterward he told his mom, who was playing with him at the time, what he did, and she berated him for cheating, as though he really had a concept of what he was doing at the time.

So to this day, we’ll tell him, “Yeah, but you’re the guy who cheats at Candyland, so I’m not listening to you…”

15

Thanks for the tips, gobear. If I ever play Risk with this bunch, it will piss them off to absolutely no end if I win the game! (Not cause I’m a woman, but because I’m mostly non-competitive and don’t really care. That really gets their collective goat.)

16

I resemble that remark, there’s just something wrong about losing to a machine!

17

Jester, I was playing this one recently with the Olethings[sup]TM[/sup], and frankly it was not clear at all in the instructions that you had to go out exactly on purple. I just let my kids win whenever they get anywhere near there.

Now Risk and Monopoly, that’s bloodsport!

18

Ever have a player go completely insane playing Taboo, threatening his teammates all because he was pissed off over a hint given that allowed his team to guess the word?

19

Nay, Scrabble is bloodsport. I’m telling you, triple word score is red for a good reason.

What can I say? Maybe the little girl had special super powers, such as X Ray vision…and that’s…why you lost? Ah, here. Have a cookie. ::deposits it in his mouth::

20

I, for one, am choosing to believe that the OP was a word-for-word transcription of what came screaming out of Jester’s mouth in front of said five-year-old girl. Try it! It makes it even more entertaining!