Hey, I could have written that pome.
Just arsk my kids!! 
This has been bothering me for about six months now. Something my mother said just gave me a huge case of the "Huh?"s. Not enough to start any sort of thread about, but I’m happy to hijack an existing one. 
Now don’t get me wrong – my parents are just about as perfect as anyone could possibly hope for. And I do love them both, very much. I have no right to complain.
But one teensy little thing bothers me about them – they have an absolute prejudice against fat people. A few years back, I directed an operetta (Pinafore). I showed them pictures and a CD from the show. Their reaction to Buttercup? “Wow, she’s huge! What a blimp!” Yeah, folks, because the sum total of a person’s worth is his or her weight. Let’s simply ignore the fantastic voice.
It’s hard being overweight and having parents like that.
But the comment that really got me? In March, my parents and I took a tour of a nature preserve. The guide was telling us about a certain type of tree, and how the bark grows thicker on one side. This particular type of tree tends to lean over on the thicker side. “Does anyone have a guess as to why the bark is thicker on that side?”
“Um, because of the extra weight?” I asked. I was correct.
A little later, my mom said “Good guess about the tree. And you’d know all about weight!”
The fuck, mom? I don’t even know where to begin.
I am very sorry that your parents are like that. 
Most people don’t realise how much of an effect their words have on other. (There is some evidence that what parents say about body image does more harm than good.)
I have calmed down since starting this thread. Little digs like what I mentioned just get old. Other examples are: “You have done so well considering what you had to overcome.” :rolleyes: and “Some people are not meant to go to college.”
sigh There is nothing I can do to change her opinion. Just grit my teeth and change the subject whenever this crap comes up.
Yeah, but it’s not a huge deal. I realize that even pretty perfect parents need to have some flaw, and this is theirs. I’m grown up enough to let it roll off my back. Still, that was a serious WTF? moment.
No there isn’t. I’m glad you are realizing it. My mom pulls exactly the same shit on me all the time. Whenever she does I think “penguin” and let it roll off my back like water. (I like penguins better than ducks). It’s just the way she is, and she is unhappy and bitter at the way her life turned out and so spreads it around. I refuse to let it affect my life, too, so I ignore it.
I thought that for the longest time. Then one day I got absolutely sick of everything being about her (5 nights without sleep kind of stretch me a bit) and I told her I. Do. Not. Like. Romanic. Art.
I can put up with it, I’m perfectly willing to see as many romanic churches as she wants… but if and only if there is some of what I like thrown in as well! The freaking vacation was supposed to be OURS, not HERS! (I probably pronounced more exclamation marks than that, 5 sleepless nights like I said… she snoooooored bad).
She got mad that I don’t share her Perfect Taste, but my brothers backed me up. It was Step One on a long rollercoaster ride; now we’re at a point where we can all express our individual opinions, not just her, and where anybody, including her, may be told so if they happen to express those opinions in an unacceptable way. You’re allowed to be an asshole, but you have to be a polite asshole.
You can’t change your mother’s opinions, but you may be able to change the way she expresses them, and you may be able to get her thinking about things she’s taken for granted for too long. Mine has even realized that I was right (gasp!) when I pointed out that all those religious images that she likes so much (“they’re so expressive!”) belong to that Baroque period she used to claim to be unable to withstand. Now when she starts a tirade on how beautiful Romanic is and how she can’t understand why I don’t like it, I just grin and say “Baroque virgins”, and she shuts up with a huge rolleyes
I agree about the ‘not letting it get to you’ advice others have given, however, for your own mental health, I think you should respond to her comments and tell her how it makes you feel. There is the chance that she has no idea how hurt you are, she may also know and do it on purpose. My older scientist, phd sister is a know it all and treats me as if I’m an idiot - once I actually asked her if she thought I was stupid. She had no idea that this was how I felt and told me that she thought I was intelligent.
Do it! - what have you got to lose?
The next time she says something, call her on it. Say,“You know what, Ma? You just hurt my feelings. You’re always making comments like that and I just let them slide, but this time it really really hurt. Can you please stop?”
If she has a heart she will listen to you, although she might be defensive at first.
Yep, you took the words right out of my mouth!
You can’t change your mothers thoughts and feelings, but you can set boundaries about which ones she shares with you.
If you find something she says offensive (and I would have been offended in your position) then you should let her know. Would you let a friend or work colleague talk to you like that? Why not then set the same boundaries for your mother.
My immediate reaction to what she said would have been “I consider myself to be an intelligent person and I don’t see what my brother has to do with the intelligence of my future children.”
Oh, and all the best for your future procreation! 
I know how you feel Mouse. Why is it that anyone else can give me a thinly veiled (or even open) insult and I have no trouble either putting them in their place or letting it roll off my back (depending on the situation). However, when it’s mom, it just stings! How do moms just know how to get to you? It’s an art or something.
It does get better with time and age. Mom can still get to me, but not nearly as much as she could when I was younger. Back then it hurt. Now that I’ve built a pretty good life for myself, it’s more of an irritation. Maybe I’ll kvetch to a close friend about “you won’t believe what mom said this time,” but it doesn’t ruin my day or make me doubt myself anymore.
Aside: I can’t get past the fact your mom let you know what your test scores were. We were never told those things! Mom didn’t want us setting our expectations and goals on what some test said. Those scores were kept top secret. I’ll give her credit for that.
Hah, what’s the saying. . . “Of course your parents know how to push your buttons; after all, they installed them!”
I agree with this…to a point. It sounds like Mother Maven and several of the mothers referenced in this thread are very much like my mother, narcissistic to the core. When I have tried to say something as suggested above, I either get, “<sigh>I was kidding! Why don’t you have any sense of humor?” or “<sigh>Well, I guess I can’t do anything right.” After either of these statements, my mother completely shuts down, and so we never really do get to talk about what it is that hurt my feelings. It’s a great way for her to completely avoid taking responsibility for what she did, in fact say, by going to either extreme—I didn’t do anything, or, I guess everything I do is wrong.
After a while, I realized that it just was not going to get me anywhere to attempt a dialogue with her. It’s much more effective for me to suck it up with her, and get the processing and comfort elsewhere.
“The defective Simpson gene is on the Y chromosome, Lisa.”
Or you get what my mother said to me when I called her on some very mean remark and told her that she had hurt my feelings “Good! I wanted to hurt your feelings!” Where do you go from there? Luckily she only sees the need to do this kind of thing every few years and in between we have long periods of good relations, so I can’t complain.
Another poster mentioned Ellen DeGeneres’ response to this…“Well, you see, you did it wrong. If it had really been funny we’d both be laughing.”
**Hokkaido Brit[/]b, your mother deliberately hurts your feelings? WTF? 
Yep, it would seem so - she gets into a certain bitchy mood and she means every word she says. I suppose I should at least credit her with honesty, but the time she said that to me I was absolutely speechless.
As I said, it is luckily very rare.
“Why would you do such a thing?”
Or maybe “Please stop it now.”
Of course, a mother that would say something like that in the first place would have yet another snappy and hurtful answer in the wings. Perhaps the best solution to that is to simply walk away. (Advice I gladly give, and yet wouldn’t dream of taking.)
Actually, she then glared at me, and said “Don’t do that sappy American stuff” and I had to laugh because that’s exactly what I had been reading - one of those books where you mirror the person’s words and say how it makes you feel. The book didn’t tell me what to do on getting that kind of response!
I did just walk away. Sadly, this is one area where my mother is very damaged by her family and the way they mistreated her over the years, which has made her very bitter and suspicious in some ways. In 90% of her life she has managed to get over her problems and was (and is still) a very good mother to me, and a wonderful grandmother. But every now and again in specific (and fairly predictable) circumstances, she loses her grip and something nasty slips out.
Still, none of us are undamaged goods and none of us treat our families properly all the time, and ultimately I know that I am deeply loved, so there is nothing to do but let it go. (But I do know that she meant every word she said at the time, so there is no point in asking for an apology…)
Okay, this scares me. I hope you’re planning to go off on her if she “slips” around your children. And I mean no holds barred, take no prisoners, in her face going-off.
My mom is mellowing out with age. I think she’s realizing who’s going to be responsible for her care in the not-too-distant future. I cracked my husband up by responding to one of her artfully artless back-handed compliments during my brother’s wedding by just saying, “Pee-soaking nursing home, Mom.”