Fuck you, my birth mother!

The BBQ Pit
41

Maybe its seeing this through my mother in law’s and my husband’s eyes, but I tend to agree with Christi. Maybe your birthmom is being selfish and fucked up. But maybe she is trying to protect your sister from something she thinks will be harmful. It certainly was not easy for my husband to have a sister dropped in his lap, and, I suspect if my mother in law had been LESS selfish about the situation, my sister in law would have been kept at arms length from the family until the boys were old enough and stable enough (their sister came into their lives when they were eleven and twelve and their mother was divorcing their father - not the best timing - and the combination screwed them both over for a long time). I know this isn’t your situation, sounds like you sister is a young adult, but there may be background here you are unaware of.

It sounds to me like birthmom is very conflicted. She wants you to know everyone, she doesn’t want to have to re-experience the guilt and shame she went through 35 years ago. She wants honesty, but to have it she needs to admit to her daughter (and likely other relatives) that she has been lying her whole life. She wants to be able to give you some of what she couldn’t give you then, but she doesn’t want to fuck up again. She wants you close, but doesn’t want to risk losing you all over so pushes you away. She doesn’t want to risk hurting herself or her family if you turn out to be a flake, yet she really wants a relationship with you. She’s spent fifteen years developing reunion fantasies in her head (and probably she’s been doing it for your whole life), and now presented with reality she needs to start facing the reality - when is never as pleasant as the fantasies. Given the situation, this doesn’t seem fucked up or selfish - it seems very normal. Yes, its inconsistant as hell - but I’ve been remarkably inconsistant in my feelings about many less important things in my life. If her relationship with her daughter is rocky, or her daughter is less than stable, wanting to put off telling her until she sees how you and your brothers work things out may be not selfish at all, but very wise.

On the other hand, she may just be selfish and fucked up.

I’m hoping the benefit of the doubt is warrented and patience and communication pay off for you elmwood.

42

I would say that you’ve got a complete right to be blindingly angry.

I will also suggest that you not make any decisions or take any actions while the anger is clouding your vision.

Your birth mom may be incredibly selfish–or she may be horribly conflicted between love and fear. We can all sit around speculating on why she has done what she has done, but you will never really know the true reasons (if even she understands them) until you have learned more of her personality and her life situation. (Whatever she tells you is going to pass through those filters and lenses, so even her most honest attempt to tell you may not be accurate in any objective way.)

You are young, your mother is young, and your siblings are young. The initial contact has been made, but you still have time for your birth mom to change her mind (or come to her senses). Any overtly hostile act, now, will reduce the chances of her eventually doing the right thing.

(She is, as previously noted, already on shaky ground. It is extremely unlikely that your sister will never hear of your existence, now that your birth mom has shared that secret. Forcing that issue while your birth mom is in turmoil will only lead to more problems, later. When talking/writing with her, you might want to gently make that point–that a secret shared is no longer a secret–but without implying or threatening that you will be the one who will tell your sister.)

Note that I am not telling you that you should not be angry. I am, however, recommending that you not take any action based on anger.

43

elmwood, you’re in a horrible situation. Here’s hoping and best wishes that it all shakes out in a way that’s healthy and agreeable to you.

However, I would caution against thinking of your newfound family as “family.” I understand your concern and fear about being alone, but you need to remember that blood relation or not, you don’t know these people. They may not welcome you with open arms when the whole truth comes out (as it will, I really have little doubt) due to past experiences you don’t know about. Your extended family may never get to know you well at all due to distance or existing bad feelings between branches. You might have nothing in common, nothing to say to each other. Likely you’ll have different backgrounds and educational levels; you may be entirely unable to relate to one another. They may not like you, or you may not like them. Be careful of instantly thinking about them as “family,” with all the connotations that brings. Perhaps instead, think of them as “people I don’t know but would like to.” Maybe this will help with your anguish about not being able to meet your sister, and with the “dirty secret” you’re feeling about yourself.

You’re a good person, with strong ties to your parents and your friends. You’re not any “dirty secret” and you shouldn’t feel as if you are. That’s your other mom’s problem, not yours - don’t let it make you feel bad about yourself.

Try to remember that they may be blood, but they’re not family. At least, not yet, and not unless you choose to make it so. Instead, go to a Dope and find people that you can make into your family, for certain.

Best of luck - and good wishes.
Snicks

44

At the risk of major flamage, I have to disagree with those who keep saying that elmwood’s birth mother is acting out of “love.”

My background is that I am an adopted child, who was adopted into an abusive family. My mother was verbally abusive and took out her every stress on me in every possible way when I was growing up. I considered suicide as early as 6th grade. Not every kid who is adopted receives a “better life.”

I know birth mothers do not want to hear this… but… Almost all adoptive children have to deal with some degree of feeling rejected by their birth parents. While elmwood did not state that, he may be feeling (at some level) that rejection… especially since she ended up marrying and having more kids with his birth father. (ie, why did you dump me if you married the guy?) And the feeling of rejection is not erased if you have a loving adoptive family.

Moreover, going back to Persephone’s first post, I do not see how his having loving adoptive parents makes it right for her to dump him again. Being given up (or thrown away) – multiple times – HURTS. How is he supposed to NOT feel hurt that after a reunion, she takes it all away again because she would rather lie to her (adult) daughter. I do not see his birth mother’s choices as coming from love. I also don’t think she is being loving toward her daughter. I second the other responses that say, why did she contact him at all if she was still going to keep him a secret?

I wouldn’t post this anywhere but the pit. It’s just that Persephone’s first post… to me… did not seem to take the adoptive person’s feelings into account at all. Because he has other parents it’s alright for her to dump him again? That is not love, that is just plain cruel.

45

I have taken elmwood’s feelings into account. Believe me. I’m not just speaking as someone who’s mother gave a child up for adoption. I’m also speaking as a birthmother and as an adoptee.

And you’re absolutely correct when you speak of adoptees having to deal with rejection. It’s particularly difficult to deal when you have a case like mine. I relinquished my daughter 14 years ago, but I have an open adoption. I chose her adoptive parents, and we’ve had a close, continued relationship ever since. But there did come a day when my husband and I chose to have another child, and I had to tell my daughter. Thankfully, she was thrilled. But I was totally braced for rejection. I was prepared for her to feel rejected by me, because I had chosen to have another child. And I was braced for her to reject me herself…because I had chosen to have another child.

As an adoptee, I have dealt with the rejection myself. When I searched and located my birthfather 13 years ago, it was wonderful. At first. But his wife and two other children had issues with it. And things cooled for a while, because they HAD to. He had to decide “my wife and other kids, or this grown woman who already has a family that loves her?” The choice was obvious.

As for you being adopted in to an abusive family…I’m sorry. That’s damn tragic, and I hope you get help with it. I really do. Email me anytime.

But one thing to remember–I never said definitively that elmwood’s birthmother is, in fact, acting out of love. Because I don’t know that she is, and I’ve stated that. I said quite clearly that perhaps she IS a selfish bitch–I don’t know her. My posts here have simply presented a different viewpoint based on my own personal experience with adoption. The one thing you’ll NEVER hear me say when it comes to this is that I am right. I could be WAY off base. But all I’ve got to work with is what elmwood is saying here.

What I’m trying to do, though, is get elmwood to calm down a bit, and see things from a different perspective. If his relationship with his birthmother MUST end, then so be it. But if there’s a way that they can pull it together and fix things…well, IMHO, that’d be even better.

elmwood’s right to be angry. I won’t argue that at all. But if he can be calm and reasonable and present his anger to his birthmother in a decent fashion, maybe she’ll change her mind. If she does, w00t! If she doesn’t…then I’ll hold the door open for elmwood while he walks out. AND I’ll drive him to the bar and buy him a beer.

Do you get my point here? I’m not telling elmwood he’s wrong to be angry. I’m just trying to tell him how his birthmother might be thinking (again, I don’t know her, so I could be wrong), and show him a way that he might present his case in a manner that will cause her to change her mind about allowing contact with his sister.

46

elmwood, I don’t have any advice in dealing with these issues, just wanted to let you know you’re in my thoughts. This seems like a really terrible thing for anyone to go through, and I really hope your birthmother comes to our senses soon.

Ava

47

Doesn’t it make more sense to not ever have an unintended pregnancy? It is generally possible.

Really this meltdown is about on par with the variations of selfishness, cruelty and divisiveness one often finds in birth families, too. “Not giving up a child” doesn’t prevent that. AND continuing a pregnancy and releasing the baby for adoption can, in many cases, be the most loving, unselfish act a person can do.

48

elmwood, I’m with those who feel your birth mom will tell your sister eventually, probably sooner than later. The son I gave up for adoption found me a couple of years ago and we’ve established a good relationship across two families, but it doesn’t happen instantly. I still haven’t told my youngest son (he’s 7) who that person really is–in other words, he doesn’t yet realize he’s an uncle and his mother is a grandmother. But that’s solely because of his age and because I haven’t yet introduced the concept of giving babies away.

But I can see how it might be harder to share this kind of information with a daughter than with sons.

I am also an adoptee who grew up as an only child so I do get the longing for siblings. Right now I am trying to make contact with a half-brother, half-sister, and full brother, knowing only the half-brother’s name. I think I’m close–but it’s frustrating. Patience is not really one of my virtues. But there’s no choice.

49

First draft of a letter to my birth mother. Thank you all … for your hugs, for your thoughts, for your clarification of my thoughts when I couldn’t do it myself.

Sh***,

Has the novelty of having found your long-lost son worn off?

Secret? Lie? You’re describing my existence in terms that most would use to describe an extramarital affair, or something else of which they are ashamed. Is that how you see me? You might as well include the words “bastard child” and “accident,” since that’s how you apparently see it. After all, you did say that my existence as “something that adds to the torment of ]ex-husband/birth dad’s name] and how he treated (you) all.” You decided to make yourself scarce during the first time I’ve been able to return to Buffalo in nearly a year. How insulting.

You said that you would never tell Sa*** – MY 100% FULL BLOOD SISTER – about my existence, ever. Why? You say that you are afraid of disrupting her life. What do you think would happen if you told her? Would she get upset at you for a few weeks, perhaps? In any case, she probably won’t be half as upset as I am now. What I’m feeling now goes beyond disappointment, beyond anger. It’s difficult to describe, although the term “righteous indignation” comes close. Unlike the temporary disruption you think this would cause to Sa***, this feeling will be a part of my mindset for the rest of my life.

First you wouldn’t tell Sa*** about me because one of her friends died. Next, it was because she would be taking finals soon. Now, it’s because she’s looking for a job. You know what? Despite my anger, the fact that I’m inexpressibly upset, I had two job interviews while I was in Buffalo. In a couple of weeks, I’m going to Portland, Oregon for another job interview. I am not letting this anger stop me from getting on with my life. Do you think the fact of my existence would grag Sa*** to a standstill?

Would you rather Sa*** found about her third brother at your wake, when you don’t have the chance to describe the course of events, defend your actions, or answer her questions? Do you want her impression of you at that point to continue with her for the rest of her life, without closure of any sort? Are you willing to live with the secret of my existence, in exchange for avoiding an awkward moment with your daughter? How selfish, for both me and Sarah. That’s far worse than “protecting” her now.

Life is filled with wonderful, tragic and course-altering events. Like it or not, this is a part of Sarah’s life. She’s an adult. If you tell her, she’ll cope. She’ll still love you. Are you afraid of something else, though, something unpleasant that you instead of Sarah might face, something you should have been prepared for when you looked to open the Pandora’s box called my [pre-adoption birth name]? I think so.

When we found each other, a dark cloud was lifted from my future. Remember when I explained how one of my greatest fears was that, in a decade or so, I would literally be alone in the world. Marriage prospects aren’t too likely, I have no close immediate relatives, and my family tree resembles Charlie Brown’s diminutive tannenbaum. You said, and this is an exact quote, “You’ll never be alone again.”

You dangle a whole new family in front of my eyes, and like a child teasing a dog with a treat, pull it away at the last minute. You don’t know how cruel this is. This is not something that I would have expected from you. What the hell were you hoping to do, by insinuating yourself into my life and then trying to keep me in the background, separate from the family that I am, by blood, a full part of? The black cloud is back, and it’s darker than ever.

Adoptive children, myself included, tend to deal with some degree of feeling rejected by their birth parents. I’ve always been extremely sensitive about rejection, feeling included, and feeling a part of things, from the time I was very young. The feeling of rejection is not erased if you have a loving adoptive family. Once again, I feel rejected, only this time it’s been to my face.

You are right about one thing, though. My life has been “honest and comfortable with (my) wonderful parents.” Among other admirable traits, they don’t keep secrets.

You did something very right back in 1965. Do it again. Free yourself and my brothers from the bondage of holding a secret like this for the rest of your life. No more secrets, no more lies, no more shame. TELL SA*** ABOUT HER THIRD BROTHER NOW.

Dan*

50

BTW, explaining this …

*You decided to make yourself scarce during the first time I’ve been able to return to Buffalo in nearly a year. *

A dat after her first e-mail, she sent a letter to her mailing list saying that she’d be unreachable … during the exact dates I said that I would be in the area.

51

I think that it is great that you’ve written the letter and gotten your thoughts together and expressed them.

Do Not Mail It.

If your birth mom is ever going to come to her senses and allow a complete reunion, having your anger thrust in her face in ways that she can interpret as hateful will not encourage her in that decision.

You do make several strong points that, perhaps, she should hear: how your sister will react when she does eventually discover your existence after your birth mom has died; the pain that your birth mom has inflicted on you in the way that she has described your birth and her insistence on linking you to your (apparently abusive) birth dad (even though she went back to him to long enough to procreate several more children).

If you can find a way to express your hurt and your concern while not casting her as the villain, you are more likely to get her to reconsider–even though she may not do this in the immediate future.

I understand your frustration, but you should be aware that, if your mother is already defensive, attacking her will cause her to be more likely to retreat.

I’m sorry that she is doing this to you (and herself), but in the hope of a change of heart, I do strongly suggest that you not let your pain express itself to drive her further away.

52

Elmwood I can feel your pain and hear your anger.
While I am not defending your birthmother, I just wanted to bring up a few points (I am a birthmother)

One thing that I noticed was your mention of her having ‘unprotected sex’. I wonder if you are aware that protected sex wasn’t even an option for most mothers back then. Condoms were kept behind the counter in the drug store in most cases… and teens were too embarrassed to have to ask for them.

Are you sure it was unprotected? Birth control is not 100% effective. In any event how you came to be isn’t an issue. …and NEVER should be. You are special and have great adoptive parents.

Your birthmother would be better suited to join a Reunited Birthmother’s Support group. It will help her sort out all of her feelings and get the support she needs to share with all the family members of your birth and relinquismhment.

When a birth mother gives up her child, it is not a one time deal. The pain runs deep and long. If she suppressed her grief her pain and fear might come out in an inappropriate manner. She needs help. having a “reunion” does not make the pain/fear go away, in fact it just resurfaces old baggage.

I think that it is unfortunate that she hasn’t come out of the closet to everyone about your birth. Sometimes we don’t give enough credit to our children when confronting them with hard situations. She must be feeling very insecure about her realtionship with her birth daughter in order not to tell her.

How did you find your birthmother…or did she find you?

Reunions are like roller coasters and have much force. You might be better to let things cool down. Maybe you could see a counselor to help you sort out your feelings better. I feel for you, I really do. KEEP WRITING!!! You are doing a great job of expressing yourself. DON"T STOP!

If you are defensive with your birthmother it will make her withdraw and become defensive. You don’t want that (I don’t think)Don’t burn bridges you might later regret 5, 10 15 years down the road

Have you sought a mediator to help you two? Do your birth parents relatives know about you?

If I am not misunderstanding, you and your birthmother have not had a face-to-face. Let me reassure you that this is NOT uncommon that birthmothers and their birth children do not jump in to meet eachother right away. Rather a reunion is like an onion that needs to have the skin “gently” peeled away.

I also noted some anger about your birthmother getting married to the birthfather (after all) and going on to have more children.
This is something that is common. I don’t know how old your mother was at the time of the birth but you coulnd’t possibly understand ALL the circumstances she was faced with.

Please have a little compassion for your birthmother. She will do the right thing. Maybe not in your timing but hers. I know you are in pain and I truly feel bad for you. I think it would be worth your while to get involved in a support group or one-on-one counseling instead of venting to SDMB. The reason I say this is you need a SPECIFIC type of support group and I don’t think hearing from others who are not adoptees or others that have not placed their children for adoption is going to be that helpful to you.

God Bless you and keep you safe.

53

Grammar corrected, writing fine tuned, letter sent out today.

Let’s see what happens.

54

elmwood just out of curiosity…what does “the big picture” look like to you after she gets this letter?

55

There are some excellent posts here, most of which I’ve read through, so if I repeat anyone else, I apologize.

I am getting the feeling about your birthmom that one of the reasons she hasn’t told her daughter, but her sons, about you is the deep seeded guilt, especially back then when sex out of marriage/babies out of wedlock was a shameful, shameful thing.

Now it is on every street corner, per se.

It sounds to me that mom hasn’t grown so much over the past 30 years and possibly has wallowed in self guilt, misery and the mental hair shirt since then. Instead of rejoicing to find a healthy, happy son who is more than happy to meet her as well, she puts up very odd parameters.

It makes you wonder if the daughter is emotionally dippy as the mom or the mom feels the daughter is exactly like she was at that age ( and still is now.)

Or the birth mother has put high expectations on her daughters behavior (sexually speaking) and if this is let out ( which it will be eventually) the backlash from her daughter will be profound. (So many variables, and only one has the correct answer.

But the other thought, being adopted myself and having one parent left who is 77 and have buried 3 of my 4 brothers, I feel your pain about being alone after they are gone. But you cannot replace them with a whole new family, which it kinda sounds like you want to do after your parents are gone. I know you don’t think that, but subconsiously, it just may be.

You need to make your own family. I know, it isn’t easy, the whole abandonment issue. Loads of fun, that is.
I know I’d love to be airdropped and instantly accepted into my birthfamily ( hoping it to be BM and BF and a host of kids) but in reality, that isn’t going to happen.

When she sought you out, and you were found, it dragged up a whole bunch of emotional baggage. She probably felt like she was that insecure teen again, only worse, if she is in her 50’s. Like going back to a class reunion and having the first person you lay eyes on say, " Hey, look, there’s STinky Elmwood." No matter how old we get or how far we move, in the blink of an eye we can be reduced to that hollow teenager of days gone by.

It is not what we acheive, it is what we overcome in life that truly matter.
Since you’ve mailed off the letter, there is no sense in telling you to cool your heels. It’s out there and either it will draw her into a conversation or it will send her back into her emotional cave.

I hope for only a positive outcome for you.

Now, for more important matters ( unless I missed the thread.) when you met her, how did she look in comparison to your life long dreams and how do you resemble her or your birth father in anyway?

Did you meet your siblings?

Do you look like them?

In that first meeting, did some life long questions of yours get answered?

How nervous were you about the meeting? I know I’d probably throw up from nerves (and that is saying alot for me.)

56

I don’t know if there is such a group where she lives; she might have to travel to Syracuse or Rochester for it. It would be nice, though. I haven’t heard of such a thing, but if we remain in contact, I’ll recommend it to her. Good idea.

It was mutual, in a way. I had an entry on one adoptee database, while she had an entry for me on another. A woman in Upstate New York who makes a hobby out of trying to find connections between birthmothers and adoptees found the entries, and let me know. Likewise, she also notified my birth mother.

Right now, I can’t. I got laid off, I’m having problems getting COBRA, and I’m in the process of looking for a new job in my very specialized profession, which means that I’ll be leaving Kansas City soon.

Fortunately, my parents have been very supportive of me during this situation. Mom, who met my birth mother and initially came away with a favorable impression, is VERY upset, especially after reading my birth mom’s most recent e-mail (see the first page of this thread).

Thanks. :slight_smile:

I know, I know … but I’m mad, furious. Since I got the e-mail, I’m still stewing over it.

All my life, I’ve been a relatively passive “nice guy.” That’s often gotten me nowhere. I’ve already been nice, trying to play down the issue, or saying that it’s unfair to her that her brothers should know, but not her. I’ve already said the equivalent of “please please please pretty please with sugar on it?”, without trying to push the matter and possibly drive her away. Subtlety and tact didn’t work, obviously.

No more. I’m angry, infuriated … filled with rage and even hatred. I want her to know how I feel. No glossing over it. I’m not willing to accept any more dumb excuses like “she’s finishing up her last year on the lacrosse team, and telling her could affect her performance”, “she’s got midterm coming up, and she could be distracted” or “she’s looking for a job, and she doesn’t need that conflict in her life.” Like I said, if never means never, I’ll be happier cutting ties with all of my blood familyr ather than to live as a “secret” or “mistake” hidden away from one of my siblings. All or nothing. I just cannot have it any other way.

Supposedly, my birth mother’s mother (my birth grandmother) knows about me. That’s all. My borth mother has several brothers and sisters, and they don’t know. Really, I don’t expect her to tell them, and I’m really not asking her to.

A mediator would be difficult, given geography. She’s in Auburn, New York; I’m in suburban Kansas City, and there’s a chance that I may be moving to Portland, Cleveland or Charlotte. (OT: hopefully, this next move will be the last.)

My birthmother and I met about six months after initial contact. The initial reunion went VERY well. She even my my parents, and that also went off without a hitch.

A month later, I met my two brothers for the first time; they’re in Atlanta, and I stopped to see them when I was moving from Orlando to Kansas City.

A little bit, but not much. I’m very happy, and feel very fortunate, to be raised by the people I consider my real mother and father. They’re loving, stable, completely unselfish, and they’ve been behind me in all my endeavors.

My blood family, from what I’ve been able to read, is a bit dysfunctional. Birth mom and birth dad had a hostile divorce about ten years ago. I can’t get an unbiased POV about my birth father; everything I hear is negative, and I’m struggling to read between the lines.

I know venting to SDMB may not be ideal, but damnit, of 2,000 some posts, I thought if there was something deserving of the pit, this is it. I posted once about this, pre-righteous indignation, to an adoption support forum I stumbled upon, but unfortunately I lost the bookmark. Right about that time, too, I got laid off, so there were other things on my mind.

57

I tried to think it through.

  1. Best case scenario: my birthmom understands how I feel, I made a convincing argument as to why telling my sister about me is the right thing, she fears losing me, and she decides to tell her.

  2. Worst case scenario: my birthmom, unable to deal with challenges like telling my sister about me, is unable to deal with the letter, and decides to cut off contact. Still, though, I have a leg up on her; I can contact my sister, and even my birth father. I can create a LOT of ruckus in Central New York by sending off a couple of letters and photos, and I’ll have nothing to lose. I don’t know if she’ll realize that or not.

  3. She pull the same old “I love you, I really do, but I just can’t tell her about you; lie, secret, adds to the torment of my ex-husband, blah blah blah.” I’ll try to go through my brothers, and hope either one of them tells my sister, or that they’ll convince my birth mother it’s the right thing to do. If that does’t work, I’ll let them all know that I’m closing off contact with them permanently, and why. I may send my birth father a short note telling him that I’m alive and well, and that’s it; no contact information. MAYBE I’ll write my sister, but I don’t know.

58

I’m thinking the same thing, too … that, although it’s the 2000s, although she’s now living with her new boyfriend, she still looks at the situation that led to my birth through the horn-rimmed glasses of the 1960s.

I don’t know. I don’t know.

This might be the case, or maybe some variant, for instance, forcing her daughter to get an abortion at some point.

In any case, she should have been prepared for all the ramifications that a reunion might bring, including those to the relationship she has with her daughter, when she decided to look for me.

In a way, I do. Maybe not a whole new family, but at least there would be a support structure there of some sort, something that goes beyond friends.

As for starting my own family, easier said than done. I’m dating challenged, one of those guys who hears “Let’s just be friends” way too often. Maybe that will change, but I’m not too confident on that.

Same thing here. I can’t develop the same sort of bond with my siblings that they developed among themselves. After meeting them, my contact with them has ben limited, because … well, I don’t quite know what to say, or what to do. I’m hoping that, with time, some bond will develop, but I know it won’t be the same as if I was raised with them.

There is a STRONG resemblance with my birth mother; mainly the eyes, the mouth/teeth/smile, and the shape of the face. I’ve seen just pictures of my birth father, and there are also soem similarities, mainly my hair and skin tone. (He’s half Italian, and I have uncharacteristically olive-colored skin for someone with large, light blue eyes.)

My brothers are dead ringers, on film and in person. Dead ringers, as in 'we can swap driver’s licenses, and nobody would be the wiser" dead ringers. My sisiter looks like a 22 year old version of me, only with a woman’s body and long hair. The face is very similar, too.

This is me at the last KC Dopefest. (Picture by SkipMagic.)

This is my sister, the one that doesn’t know about my existence, from a Googled image. (I’ve got better photos.) She’s in the front row, on the right.

I’ll post pictures of the rest of 'em.

I really didn’t imagine how they looked, nor did I imagine that I would have had 100% blood siblings. I pictured my mother as looking somewhat like an earthy 1960s/1970s chick, and her older pictures confirmed it. She’s 5’6", thin, and a very young looking 55; she could easily pass for someone in their early-to-mid 40s.

A lot. Quite a lot, including the exact story of my origin, from the gleam in my birth father’s face. A lot of medical history, too.

Very, very nervous. We met when I was in Buffalo last November, visiting my parents. It was a two hour drive from Auburn to Buffalo, and one Saturday she made the drive. My parents cleared our for a few hours, knowing that I’d prefer the first meeting to be in private. The first few seconds were spent staring at each other in disbelief, but then we hugged, and all seemed well. We’re both very chatty, so it helped quite a bit.

We took a tour of Buffalo; I wanted to show her my life; the schools I went to, where I grew up, the parks in played in, the places where I barhopped with my friends in college. When we returned to my parents’ house, Mom and Dad were there, and they got the opportunity to have a lot of their questions answered. We then all went to dinner. Really, the reunion worked out VERY well.

No vomiting, fortunately. :slight_smile:

59

I can’t. I just can’t. That last e-mail was really too much.

In the past, I’ve tried being subtle and nice about letting her know why she should let my sister know about me. I was afaid that if I was pushy or blunt, I’d scare her off. That hasn’t worked … I just got the usual “It’ll interfere with her blah blah blah” excuses.

I can’t find a way to be nice and flattering and warm and fuzzy without expressing just how angry I feel.

60

She’s probably got the letter now. Waiting …