Elmwood - I’m with you on this. Your birth mother sounds a basket case selfish bitch. Your birth brothers sound execrable.
Your birth sister comes through as the only humane lot of this brood, and I have some hope that in years to come, you and she may develop a relationship.
Frankly, I think you were lucky to be adopted out. Your adoptive (real) parents sound infinity times more wonderful than the bio-set.
I know. And I didn’t say WD was totally wrong, just that he was harsh about it. While I think elmwood did react badly, and may need to address the issues underlying his anger, I also don’t think that saying essentially, “This was all your fault, you should beg forgiveness,” is terribly useful.
For the record, I do think that the bio parents in such a situation have a greater obligation to be sensitive and not to inflict unnecessary pain. I agree with the rules posted earlier about what you are committing to if you seek out your bio children. If you’re not sure what you want or your existing family is in chaos, I think it’s much better not to subject the adoptee to that.
In general, I do think it’s pretty unlikely that either party to a reunion will find it matches their fantasy. As others have pointed out, blood relation really doesn’t count for much when it comes to having an actual relationship. That’s why I suggested building a “family” of people based on something other than mere DNA.
Bullshit. Someone hurt their mother, they were bound to respond hostilely.
elmwood, I feel bad about what happened, but astro, bobkitty and Weirddave all nailed it. You only justified your bio-mom’s reasons for NOT telling bio sis.
Now you’ve probably caused them even more pain-for WHAT? It sounds like they had a really shitty family life. YOU were the lucky one. You had a good life. So why cause this family more pain, just because of your insecurities?
As for family and being alone-hello, don’t you have FRIENDS? Hobbies? No one owes you a family. Family is what you make. It isn’t about getting married-friends can be family.
I hope you find peace with yourself, without feeling the need to lash out at people who are already bleeding.
I agree elmwood acted rashly when he sent his letters. He acted thinking more about the short term than the long term, and it probably cost him any shot he had at a truly good relationship with his biological family.
But considering that his biological mother has been searching for him for fifteen years, nearly a quarter of her life, it is odd how little actual thought she has put into the ramifications of her search. I can’t understand how you can spend fifteen years searching for your child, yet still be unable to come to terms with his birth, or be unwilling to fully accept him in your family and life. And I can’t comprehend how you can keep your child at an arm’s length away when you’ve found him after searching for so long.
Maybe there’s something deeper going on, such as her own conflicted feelings over finding him, or a matter involving his sister. But to not say or even hint that that’s the case, and to reinforce elmwood’s feelings that it’s because she’s ashamed of him, is the worst way to handle things. If there’s something else keeping him from being a part of the family, as she promised he would be, she should indicate as much.
Given the way things are now, if I were elmwood, I’d look at it this way: My biological mom is a flake. My brothers are assholes. If my sister is neither it’d be a damn miracle. However, I have two wonderful adoptive parents. And though they might be old and I may be alone soon, it’s better to face loneliness and hope to meet someone to fill the void than to willingly jump into a “family” that’s caused me endless misery. I’d be better off getting a dog. If things between my biological family improve, great. But I’ve done what I can and more than I should have; for now, it’s up to them.
While I certainly consider the highlighted phrase to be accurate, it’s probably in a different sense than you and elmwood do…
Not at all.
Dear Elmwood.
I read this thread and I fully understand the anguish you’re experiencing. I’ve dealt with some of the issues that I see in this thread myself. I won’t explain fully here. One of the things you said though, rings true with me. You have a fear of being alone, I’ve had that fear myself, all of my life.
I live in Florida, and have no desire to return to the UK. I have a mother in the UK (We’re no longer close) I have a sister in the UK (Same situation) and I have a step brother in the UK who’s been dead to me many, many years. (Long story)
Thankfully, I have a fiancee in the US and I’m very happy. Her mother has welcomed me into her life, and I’m glad of that, as she seems to be with me. Still, I’ve never had a brother, nor any close male friends I could share things with, such it seems is life, but life is also about the choices we make (When we are allowed to make them.)
I’m going to include my email address. I won’t say much about myself here as it may not be the right place to do so. If you want to talk, I’d be pleased to talk to you, we may become friends, or even feel as close as brothers one day. These things can occur if people want them too. Feel free to drop me a line, and perhaps we’ll both be grateful that we spoke.
My best of luck to you, one final note.
I understand your thoughts, as in all or nothing. I’ve made that choice myself a number of times in my life.
John.
johnand7catz@hotmail.com