Fuck you, you spammers who sent me 25.000 emails

The BBQ Pit
1

Since new year I’ve left a couple of email accounts unattended. A few days ago I received a warning that I was running out of disk space, so off I go to check what’s up.

Login on to my first account I’m greated with a page with the first 20 emails, and a little line at the top telling me that I can choose from 584 more pages. Okay. That’s about 11.600 messages. Right. My second account has 4.500, and my third has 10.000. Nice. Could it be my exes desperately looking for some of that good o’le lovin’? [he thinks hopefully] Nah. It’s 25.000 spam messages. Well, at least there are 24.950.

What really gets to me is the sort of offers I receive, and the creativity that some people display in trying to get me to click on their emails:

There are the obvious ones:

  • You need this DVD Burner and is almost FREE
  • Date a lonely housewife tonight!
  • Reverse the effects of aging
  • Lose up to 10 LBS!

The personal ones:

  • Ann said not to ask you
  • How are you doing ?
  • hey
  • have you heard?

The dubious ones:

  • Your Recent Inquiry
  • Payment Past Due
  • Here is the info you requested
  • re:

I have to confess, on a few occasions I’ve actually opened some of them:
No matter what type of sex, what type of partner, what time of day, how well you know your partner, or how often you do it, there are times that you either NEED more desire or there are times that you just WANT an improvement. Men and Women can get it from …

And another one, received under the subject “Magical Christmas Birdfeeder”:
Window Magic! Two-Way Mirror Bird Feeder: You See The Birds-But The Birds Don’t See You! Watch Birds From Just Inches Away Without Scaring Them Off!

Yeah, right.
And then, then we have the penis stuff.

It appears that my penis is not “normal”. That I must “do” something with my penis, either keeping it up 24/7 by chewing viagra, or simply increase the size so much that nobody can decipher which state it’s really in. At least judging from the amount of emails I have gotten about this subject. I’ve heard it all:

The environmental pitch: “All Natural Penis Enlargement Pills”
The penis for dummies pitch: “Increase your penis 3 inches in 22 days”
The inadequacy pitch: “KEEP HER HAPPY ALL NITE!”

And of course, the less than subtle one: “I’m sorry we can’t go out again, size does matter…”
I swear to you all: There have been times when I wanted to take them upon their offer. To put the money on the table and get the biggest motherf0king d0ck ever, then seek out that spammer and give it all to him Hershey Highway style. I bet that would get him to rethink his career choice.
To all you spammers out there, let’s be clear about the following:
No, I do NOT want to refinance my house in Virgina, I live in Europe.
No, I do NOT want to be naked for you, even though you’re naked for me.
No, I do NOT want to loose weight. My well-formed friend even says fucking skinny people sucks.
And yes, I now there are farms with naughty school girls, SO WHAT?
Phew. Well, at least now I’ve learned how to enable spam control.

:dubious:

2

Feh. It’s not as great as everyone seems to think.

3

What I don’t get is the ones that don’t seem to be advertising anything at all:

All this with no add of any kind. WTF? Do people love sending spam so much that they now do it just for the hell of it? There is a certain quality to these nonsensical spam emails that is almost poetic (in an unintelligent auto-word-generator type of way). Like mad libs for the retarded. Somehow, it doesn’t seem like all that anti-spam legislation is working out too well.

And I agree, Berkut, that being a big-dicked always-hard gigilo with access to cheap drugs and a stable of young girls/hot housewives isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Even to a guy like myself who managed to get such a great rate on his latest refinance.

DaLovin’ Dj

4

Yep. I got a great mortgage rate on this tract of land where I keep my peener.

As soon as my money from Nigeria clears the bank, I’m finally gonna mail off that $6 to that list Dave Rhodes gave me so I can make a few extra bucks.

5

My favorite dickspam subject line:
“You call that tiny thing a DICK? It’s TOO SMALL!”

Dammit, it’s not small, it’s cute.

6

I’ve been getting a deluge of junk lately, myself. No where near as bad as the OP (say twenty to thirty a day-- sometimes more, but never over about 100), but enough to be VERY annoying.

I resent getting fifty e-mails from the same company a day, each with a different “sender.” No, I do not need any “v1Agr@” or “X]an[ax”, thank you.

I resent getting viruses every time I get my e-mail. Thank God for my filter. It stops at least one virus per time I check my e-mail! It’s getting re-goddam-diculous.

I resent the attempts to make it look like it came from a friend. Since I don’t have any friends named “Violet” or “Pedro”, I can delete them without bothering to look at them. However, it appears they’ve discovered somehow that my husband is a professor, so now I’m getting “re:class on tuesday” e-mails which try to sell me “V1oxxx.”

I’m evil, God help me, but I’ve wished I could send them those viruses that get sent to me. Thank goodness I don’t know how to do it, or I might be tempted.

7

11.600 messages? .6?

How do you get a fraction of a message?

Why are you ranting about 25 messages?

It seems to me that you should be more concerned about your keyboard’s lack of a comma.

8

No lack of comma there, actually. In Europe (or at least in parts of) they replace that comma with the decimal.

9

Don’t you have a Spam Filter?

Maybe you ought to consider abandoning some of these accounts, & starting new ones elsewhere.

Also, you may have spyware on your computer.

10

Errr… the OP complained of getting 25,000 emails in six months. If you are getting 25 emails a day, that’s 4,550 in six months, but if the upper end of your estimate is more true and you’re getting 100 a day, then that’s 18,200 in six months. Consider also that the OP has three email addresses, not one, and I’d say your spam problem is similar to his.

11

Mine’s pleasingly plump.

12

Not that anybody gives a fuck, but I get over 1,000 spams a day. :frowning:

13

Those are farily perplexing, but I’d file these away as ones that track if you open them (to see what’s inside) and report back to SpamCommand that they’ve got a live one.

Just my WAG though. What do the subject lines look like?

14

Actually, two of those accounts are on domains that I own. My mistake was that I had forgotten to enable the blackhole, so any email to [insertname]@mydomain ended up in defaultaccount@mydomain. Stupid. The third account has been a problem ever since I signup for a free trial for something a few years ago.

On sidenote, I also found several hundred copies of that password-protected zip-file virus which roamed the net some monts ago. “Oh, look at me, I’m only 41 kb, I’m so innocent”. Sorry pal, you got me once, never again.

15

I should probably also locate the apostrophe, and begin to spell Virgina as Virginia and Ten… Tennes… Tennesss… damn that name! And to continue this completely pointless hijack of my own thread, who on earth decided to call a flood horse for “hippopotamus”? I can’t even say that!

16

Thank you for fighting my ignorance. I thought that there might be some custom type reason but I have to admit that the 25.000 in the title made me wonder if I just happened to be the lucky guy who didn’t get “25.000” type spams even though I was getting the mortgage, penis, viagra, nude-sluts ones in quantity.

17

So what do they use when they really mean “twenty-five point zero zero zero?”

My favorite ridiculous subject: PENIS SO LARGE IT BLOT OUT THE SUN!

Umm, no, thanks.

18

I am not a European, but I believe they use the same designation, relying perhaps on context for clarity. 25.001 cm would make sense, whereas 25,000 cm would not.

19

twenty-five point zero zero zero = 25
twenty-five point zero zero one = 25,001

Twenty-five thousand is strictly speaking 25000 or 25 000, or 25.000 for us Excel-people who do our accounting ourselves. It’s easier to read.

20

Sorry, forgot about the thin space: 25 000. (This is used by spectroscopic scientists, too.)