So I’m on IRC, and my husband IM’s me to let me know that a woman we both know has died. The only detail I have is that she dropped dead of a heart attack.
Here’s the kicker. She was extremely obese, having gained a considerable amount of weight over a short time. She was also “doing Atkins”, or some notion thereof.
I knew this woman from a 12-step channel. I went into the channel, and was hit immediately with platitudes about how Life Must Be Lived A Day at a Time, and we must Express Our Love and Gratitude to Everyone All the Time, and the deceased was a saint, and thank God she died clean and sober. Throw in a smattering of “God needed another angel”, “She’s in a better place now”, “At least she won’t suffer” and other glurge for good measure. It’s a good thing I haven’t eaten yet or I’d barf.
Having had all this shit aimed at me when my son died several years ago makes me very cynical when it comes to 12-step groups and death. Consequently, I’m gonna say what I think, regardless of whether it’s “nice” or not. And I do, and I’m treated as though I squatted over the deceased’s corpse and took a dump.
Listen up, kids. People die under all kinds of circumstances. It happens. And it doesn’t always happen in one’s sleep at the ripe old age of 156. Look. I’m sorry this woman died. But for Chrissakes, she helped the process with her own habits. Oh, wait. I forgot. When we get clean and sober, we’re supposed to abandon all pretense of responsibility for ourselves and our actions and never judge or blame anyone for anything ever again. God forbid we should ever express a thought or a feeling that isn’t nice. And God forbid anyone should ever go against party line.
Well, I think I’m going to make myself scarce from THAT channel for a long time to come.
Robin
P.S.: I apologize for the weakness of this rant. I’m just really really angry about this right now.
I’m sorry for your losses and the stupidity of others that contributes to more pain.
I bet you someone will give the moving story of how they or a friend got their lives together with one of those groups, and how dare you deride it, when it helped them not take personal responsibility for anything, even though they apologized to everyone through skywriting.
Do what you have to do, and anyone who attempts to get in your way should just fuck off.
It’s not just 12-steppers. (man, we’ve got a bad rep) We just sound dumber saying it.
Theres a book called ‘The Greif Recovery Handbook’ that states that we are culture that has no idea how to handle death or the grief that follows. We have no idea what to say, and we feel we have to say something.
I don’t know where the above info came from, but as a member of a 12 step program, I can tell you that shit would never fly with any sober person I know.
There is no party line like you describe, unless it’s “just don’t drink, no matter what.” Sorry.
Actually, when I got sober, that’s when I did start to take responsibility for my own actions. I try not to judge, but I will call a spade a spade if confronted with one. It’s about honesty, not coddling.
Thoughts and feelings that aren’t “nice?” Hit an open meeting of any 12 step group, and you will hear plenty of stuff that isn’t nice. Enough to curl your hair.
So I guess I’m saying, maybe those people were just trying to be nice, instead of saying something like, “what a stupid bitch, she ate & drank herself to death, and don’t forget those drugs, and we’re not sorry about it.” Certainly makes for a quieter, calmer funeral.
Don’t mean to preach, just hate to be stereotyped incorrectly. Carry on.
Why 12 steps? My guess is that they were physical steps in a house, since most houses have 12 or 13 stair risers between floors (and who would use 13?). A paper sign taped to each stair riser would be the next goal.
The key flaw in 12 steps is step one. You have to admit you have no control. But the whole point of the program is that you DO have control, so you start out with something you don’t believe.
You admit you are unable (at the moment) to control (without help) whatever substance or behavior (alcohol/drugs/sex/gambling/lying) that is wrecking your life.
The entire point is that your support group will assist you in gaining the control you haven’t been able to acheive on your own.
We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, and that our lives had become unmanageable.
Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
Made a decision to turn our will & our lives over to the care of God as we understood him.
Made a searching & fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
Made direct amend to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
Continued to take a personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
Sought through prayer & meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood him, praying only for the knowledge of his will for us & the power to carry that out.
Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry the message to alcoholics, and to practice these principals in all our affairs.
So, I suppose that if someone wants to look at selected steps and say “see, I can just sit on my ass and God will miracle me sober & I don’t have to take any action or responsibility” then that’s fine, I guess, but if they’re alcoholic, they usually won’t stay sober.
It’s pretty easy to find holes in the steps, I guess, and I don’t know WHY it works, just that it does. Since AA was formed in the 1930’s, it is the only program that has enabled millions of alcoholics to stay sober, regardless of religion, language, ethnicity or sexual preference. No other program before or since has been able to hold a candle to it. None.
but am I to understand that what you wanted to say is that this woman killed herself by allowing herself to become obese, and that’s just tough shit for her? Do I also understand you to be saying that there is something inherently dishonest or unpalatable about the way people are trying to put a more pleasant spin on it that you are?
Forgive me, but I really don’t get the source of your anger, other than you are busy being full of judgment about this woman’s health, and i don’t get why that is such an issue for you.
it sounds to me as though just hearing people try to put a positive spin on her death simply reminds you of the way people (clumsily, but surely with all good intention) tried to put some kind of positive spin on the death of your son, and you are being emotionally put back in that place.
Maybe you need to examine this a little more closely?
stoid
Robin, I just read the OP again, and something jumped out at me.
We 12-steppers have lots of dumb-sounding sayings, like “One Day at a Time”, “Keep Coming Back”, “Let Go & Let God”, “Easy Does It” and many others.
But the “platitudes” you mentioned don’t seem to have anything to do with a 12 step program. Did I miss something?
And again, I must say that anyone who thinks that a 12 step program is about avoiding responsibility instead of taking it, is either being mislead or doing it wrong.
YOU went to them and now you are upset with what THEY said? What did you say, “The silly bitch should have known better, everyone knows that being way to fat is bad and DR. Atkins diet is no good, didn’t you all tell her that you fools?”
Boy, talking like that just makes me want to hurl.
Considering that I live in Minnesota, where many people do sound and behave (and in some cases even look) like Stuart Smalley, and like EJsGirl, I come from a background where such behavior is not acceptable. This is why I find it so hard to listen to.
In my own defense (and I find myself in this position), I did not enter the discussion, say “that stupid fat woman brought this on herself” and watch the shit fly. What I said was within the context of the conversation. (I don’t make it a habit to log chats in 12-step rooms unless there’s a troll or a takeover attempt.) What made my remark unacceptable was that it was not couched in touchy-feely language.
The last thing I would like to point out is that I wrote the OP when I was rather upset. I’d just heard about the woman’s death, and although we had our differences, I still considered her a friend.
So, since nothing can really be added to this discussion that hasn’t already been said, I’m going to ask that this thread be closed. Thanks
Well, I did not really understand what you meant when you said “Channel” in your OP and I thought you were talking something else.
A chat room… Okay, your explanation makes sense to me and I retract 80% of what I said… LOL Still, why are you giving them that much free rent in your head?
Either you know the difference or you need to keep going back till you do.
Wow, I have never been in a 12 step chat room, but if it’s a soppy, touchy-feely kind of place, fuck 'em.
My home group is the Balboa Broads, and we most certainly are a bunch of (formerly) drunken broads! We can be polite, but we are also VERY real.
I see where you’re coming from, Robin, and I agree that the thread has run its course. I’m sorry if they were assholes to you. I personally haven’t ever seen you say something shitty on the boards (I guess the OP just freaked me out for a minute).
