Your guess was, “Maybe it has something to do with seeing whether or not a person is honest. Not being able to look someone in the eye may make that someone wonder if what you are saying to them is a lie.”
That may work on the level of dogs, but in the working world the idea that a liar has trouble meeting your gaze is silly. Likewise the notion that a firm handshake indicates something positive about a person. Insincere people are probably more likely than honest people to have direct gazes and firm handshakes, they don’t mind putting on a show to get other people to do what they want.
^^^ You may know people who have no problem making eye contact while lying, but that doesn’t mean that everyone else in the world is like that.
God bless you always!!!
Holly
For all the suggestions to look at their nose or eyebrows, I’d say don’t do it. I can tell when someone is looking at my nose or eyebrows instead of my eyes, and it makes me think there’s something stuck on there like food or something worse.
But I was serious about their speaking skills. Public speaking too. In speaking with a group, you have some distance and you can look at their hair or just above the faces when you address a large group.
Interviews, however, is tougher. There’s no distance involved, so if you need to think of an answer, vocalize. Say, “Well…” and speak clearly with your best answer. Another thing is trying to stay on subject of the question. Even if it’s something lame, like, “Where do you see yourself in five or ten years?” It’s easy to trail off into other subjects like economy or family which wasn’t the question.
Practice in front of a mirror sitting and standing. Watch where your legs go, your hands go, don’t be too physical, but don’t be rigid.
Frylock, you’ll do fine next time. Fingers crossed.
Absolutely DO NOT stare at nose or eyebrows instead. This is EXTREMELY off putting, worse than no eye contact at all. In all honesty it might just be time to turn in your man card and curl up into a ball in the corner of a dark room if you can’t manage to act like a normal human being, especially in an interview where your livelihood depends on it! Come on man! (this coming from a guy who sobs like a baby when Mufasa dies in the Lion King)
I just ran a very scientific test with my SO. I made him stand about 2m away from me, have a normal conversation and look naturally at either my eyes, eyebrows or bridge of my nose. Under these circumstances, I couldn’t tell.
I could tell when he was closer, or if he was looking farther from my eyes (like ears), but eyebrows was still acceptable. I could also tell if he looked for a really long time, but obviously you don’t want to go into a staring contest anyway.
I have the same problem, but I’ve learned a few little tricks to get around it without making it look bad. I look at their eyebrows or bridge of their nose, and when thinking of my next sentence or thought, I would gaze off to their left or right, and finish the thought back onto the eyebrows or nose. Occasionally looking at my notes, or, in my job with customers or electricians I haven’t met before, look at the construction site, house, building, work location, etc, then back to them to emphasize my point on the issue.
Occasionally, I would glance directly at their eyes, if making an important point, but otherwise I’ve found that the eyebrows, glasses rim, or bridge of the nose works well, allows me to relax and have a comfortable conversation.
With friends and family I do not have this issue, but with strangers, interviewers, etc. I use these ‘tricks’ to get by.
Being comfortable with the conversation makes it a whole lot easier. Practice interviews with friends or family, become comfortable with the eye movements and occasional eye contact, and use the eyebrows or bridge of the nose as ‘focal points’ to go back to most of the time.
It’s not so much the constant eye contact that is sought, it’s the occasional eye contact that is important. It basically shows that you acknowledge them personally when you speak with them.
Direct, prolonged eye contact is threatening. That’s why most people don’t do it. These tricks are really what people actually do. Since you don’t mind being thought of as weird, try this some time: when someone is making eye contact with you, suddenly close your eyes and have them tell you what color they are. They will at the very least have to think about it (unless they know you really well).
Most people actually just look at your face, and glance up at the eyes occasionally, without even really looking at them. I’ve heard some people say it should really be called face contact.
To help you with what eye contact really is, maybe it will help knowing that looking at people’s eyes often gives you clues about what they are thinking. If you have an objective reason to look at their eyes, perhaps it will be easier.
I personally picked up the habit of looking at people’s mouths due some problems with auditory processing as a child. The above is what has helped me get over that habit.
I tend to stammer when I make too much eye contact. I try to make contact, then lose it right away so I can answer the question reasonably well. I don’t get many successful interviews, I usually temp a job until I prove myself competent. It’s probably held me back, but I can’t talk well without my coping skills.
Here’s a game that will help you with this but will require some practice with a friend/SO. Sit across from each other and avoid each other’s glance. Keep the eyes roving and see if you can see their eyes without being caught. If you don’t get caught, call out each time you score a point.
If you get caught you must immediately do a small mouth smile and, as Tyra Banks calls it, smeyes too (smiling with your eyes). Failure to do both smiles will erase all of your points and you start from zero. Game ends when you hit 10 points.
With repetition, you’ll learn that a quick and relaxed smile upon eye contact is no longer threatening and is actually beneficial.
This wasn’t my idea. I used to do improv classes and didn’t care for making eye contact. This exercise was prescribed by our coach/teacher and turned out to be a great life skill for me.
There’s a big difference between making regular, confident eye contact and staring creepily at someone.
For some reason, I’ve always been very good at making eye contact with someone and projecting an air of confidence, so I can’t say I’d know how to ‘direct’ someone to do it. But judging from the comments here and my experience, it is probably a very important thing for you to work on. I’ve always been a good interviewer, and I’ve only had one job interview in my life that didn’t result in a job offer, so there’s something to say for confidence in this regard.
I think the biggest way to avoid being creepy is by not trying too hard to think about it. If you are calm and composed and carry on a normal conversation, while maintaining eye contact for a few seconds at a time, then perhaps shifting gaze shortly away, or down to your notes, then back to the person you’re talking to, it lets them know you are interested in their thoughts. I always bring a notepad with questions I want to ask a prospective employer, and to take down any notes they say that may be really important, and having that there gives your eyes somewhere else to look from time to time, but you need to make sure you just aren’t staring into your notepad constantly.
I worked with a really nice guy a few years back. He NEVER made eye contact. EVER. Constantly looked off to my shoulder at all times, even after I’d known him for years. Brilliant engineer, and rather successful, but my impression of him is still that of a nervous, unsure person with no social skills at all, and it’s almost entirely due to the complete lack of eye contact.
It’s probably a good idea to simply work on this with all your friends and those you meet in everyday life, so it becomes natural to you. When it’s natural, it’s not threatening, and if you ONLY make a concerted effort to make eye contact when in interviews, it’s going to come of as stilted and creepy.
