Fucking God Damn Bullshit Depression

The BBQ Pit
1

I’ve always prided myself with regards to my own fucking control of my own fucking faculties.

I guess I can kiss that bullshit ideology goodbye.

I’ve always considered myself smart, too. (supposedly 154 but I know that means exactly diddly squat). But that’s right out the window, as well.

Telling my beautiful loving fiancee whom I plan to marry in 9 days that I want to call off the wedding, for no other reason than I’m a total fucking asshole who can’t handle his own emotions… well, if you ask me, that puts me down there at the bottom of the gene pool along with chiggers and tapeworms.

She, being the ultimate angel that she is, of course called my parents (I’m 32) to tell them about my so called “cry for help”. God bless her. It wasn’t by any means a suicide attempt, although in many circles it would look like one: BAC (estimated by me) at 0.30% plus 10mg Xanax.

My business, which I started on a shoestring in '98, which peaked at $24k/month profit after taxes, is dead. I destroyed it. I haven’t worked an honest day in years.

And now, even though I can’t afford a doctor, OR any meds, I guess I’m gonna try an SSRI… even though it might mean insurance fraud.

I’ve fucked up my life. I feel like a total failure.

My family would cry a river if they saw this post. I’m not white trash. I was raised upper middle class. I was given a full ride to a div 1A college (fucked that up too). But I can’t cry any more, even as hard as I try. I see no light at the end of this tunnel. Again! I would never snuff it (clockwork orange, anyone?), but I certainly see almost but nothing pain and suffering in the near future.
I’m thinking that of all the SSRIs, Prozac might be the obvious choice (because energy is the major lacking thing right now, I think). My friend offered me a 90 ct 40mg bottle of Paxil, but reading here and abroad about the side affects makes me less than enthusiastic.
Pressure on my beautiful fiancee of 5 years. Pressure on my beautiful fucking parents of 32 years. Pressure on myself.

UGH!

2

You could try an SNRI, perhaps?

3

Eleusis, I have suffered from severe depression all of my life. I recognize myself in your post. If you will allow me, I have some things from my own experience to share, and perhaps they will be helpful.

There is no shame in depression. It is not a matter of personal failing or weakness. It’s not a matter of being lazy or ungrateful. Depression is an equal opportunity aggressor. There is help to be found. Let your fiancee help you. Knowing you need help and asking for it is actually a sign of strength and a demonstration that you find a least some little thing of value in yourself.

If you can’t afford meds, ask your fiancee to check into possible assistance from the city/county/state. If you feel that you can’t make it until you can get an appointment and you are suicidal, check yourself into a hospital. (You may hate this idea. But saving your life right now is more important. I was once hospitalized involuntarily, and it really did save my life.) If you don’t think you can do that, call 911.

There are resources out there that have sliding-scale therapy available. A combination of talk therapy and meds has been shown over and over to be very effective in dealing with depression. This is the standard course of treatment, just like if you broke your leg, you’d have the bone set, be in a cast, and have to take painkillers. Clearly, you have high intelligence, and you may have to just rely on the logic of proven treatments right now, even though your emotional brain is telling you compelling lies.

I know everything feels and looks hopeless right now. I’ve been there many, many times myself. One baby step at a time, okay? All you have to do for today is let your loved ones help you get the meds and therapy that will help you. And it *will * work, I promise. And you will begin to feel better.

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Thank your lucky stars for your wonderful support system and your big ol’ brain—you’re handling this the right way, and with luck, smarts & drugs, you can pull yourself out of this.

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Go with the Prozac, at least give it a try. It has low side effects and really, REALLY helped me. Hang tough, dude. You’ll be feeling better just knowing you’re taking steps to combat the depression.

Maybe postponing your wedding isn’t such a bad idea. Give yourself time to begin getting well. You’ll see…your life will start to fall back into place little by little. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

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Eleusis, being smart has nothing to do with depression. In fact, I am a firm believer that being smart is what helps you recognize your limitations. Many people are just too damn stupid and have too low expectations to know something is wrong. You recognize that the world isn’t what it should be and there is no shame in finding that difficult to blindly accept.

Take niblet’s advice. Check into a hospital, find someone you can pay on a sliding scale, anything. And do it now; it’s not going to get better on its own.

Frankly, you can’t be as horrible a person as you make yourself out to be. If you were, how could you get such an incredible fiance who sounds like she will be there no matter what? Obviously there is something great about you. You owe it to you and to her to discover what that greatness is.

Depression sucks. There is no way to sugar coat it. But there is help out there if you are willing to do it. Ask your fiance to help you.

Come back and tell us how you’re doing, ok?

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Thank you all for the kind words and support. It’s all really alien to me and I think it was a huge breakthrough for me to even admit it out loud, though I think I’ve known and hidden it from the world for years.

Postponing the wedding really isn’t an option at this point, it’s next Saturday. I love her so much and she deserves better. It would place another huge burden on my friends and family, and the guilt would be unbearable.

I know I really am lucky to have such a supportive fiancee and family, I don’t know what I’d do without them. I’d probably give up completely and live (or not) on the streets.

I think I’ll have my first prescription for prozac by the end of the day.
What’s the difference between an SSRI and a SNRI?

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Good for you! Remember…it takes about six weeks to start feeling better. Your doctor may prescribe an additional drug to get you through these first few weeks (and your wedding!). Good luck…and if it doesn’t work, there are lots of other ones to try. I tried four before I found the right one.

9

(Tries not to make jokes about oncoming trains)

Don’t put too much pressure or emphasis on the wedding day, that will only make you more anxious and depressed. Juist do it, get it over with and concentrate on making the future better.

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Good luck to you in this trying time. Prayer can certainly help, even if it’s just a call to your unconscious to help you out as much as it can.

Certainly, also, try the therapies and don’t put too much pressure on yourself.

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It’s best to not drink if you’re just starting an anti-depressant.

Believe you me, I’ve done the entire anti-depressant buffet, and some of them (Prozac in particular, I found) will really affect your alcohol tolerance. I would get *hammered * on one drink! Until you know how it’s going to affect you, be very wary.

Oh, and congratulations!

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I did that, too!!! Had a great GPA, appeared happy and normal to the world… went home and cried in the dark all night… Thought I justifiably felt like shit because in my heart I knew I was a beast and a loser.

This, however, is how the disease of depression fucks with your head. It is an illness, and doesn’t even have to have a direct cause.

But I am living testimony, as you will be, that it can be treated and life can become normal again. (BTW, anti-depressants aren’t “happy pills” and they aren’t addicting.)

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Can I be horrible. F**k I shouldn’t be but I really want to say this. Don’t do the getting married thing…well not now.

I married someone who went on to take his own life. Talk about depressed! That is a guilt you never get over.

Postpone your wedding, no matter how much shit that causes. Look into medication and therapy (right here is when I should stop talking because I don’t take my own advice)

It really isn’t fair to marry someone when you are feeling like this.

The fact that you are so aware of how you are feeling is a good thing. You know that you need help. I know that postponing your wedding would cause major grief but it is worth it. People will be pissed off, likely money has been spent that can not be got back but your fiance will understand if you talk it through with her.

She loves you. She does not want to lose you. Waiting till you feel better makes more sense. She probably doesn’t know how bad you are feeling at the moment. When she does she will cope and help you cope.

I am TRULY sorry if I am projecting right now but I really feel strongly about this. If you are feeling like this now getting married will give you a few weeks/months of happy-happy-joy-joy and then you might go back to feeling like you do now.

We all want to be happy and in love. Being happy alone is probably the first step towards that. Do the medicine or therapy route. Do what it takes to make YOU feel happy before you get married.

Feeling like shit for years is no solution…I know that for a fact.

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SSRI = Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitor
SNRI = Serotonin & Norepinephrine Reuptake Inhibitor

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Serotonin-norepinephrine_reuptake_inhibitor

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Am there, doing that. One of the real surprises about depression is discovering how many people who you might think are getting along fine suffer from it.

I also recognize the anger and frustration in the thread title. Here I am, intelligent, rational human being, aware of what needs to be done…and yet I can’t do it because it feels like I’m dragging a small boulder around with me. There’s no reason for it, there’s no excuse for it, and it PISSES ME OFF!

Depression is a pain, no argument. But it’s not your fault, Eleusis, and there is help in a variety of forms. And if your fiancee wants to be there for you, by golly let her help, even if it’s only to get you through the darker hours.

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I would have entire conversations with my self, ‘jeevwoman, you are a perfectly rational person and you know that this is not how you behave. Get the hell out of bed, stop crying, go eat before you make yourself sick, and snap out of it!’ and then my body would say, "Nope. Not happening, honey. Is Melrose Place back on?’ It was so frustrating to know that there is something ‘off’ but not having the energy or will to do anything about it. I figured that is how people with severe physical debilitations (like MS or ALS) feel: the mind is willing but the body is just not cooperating.

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One reason that life looks so hopeless and you think it is all your fault is that your perceptions are on “TILT.” The very part of your brain that is used for making judgments and decisions is affected.

One thing that you must resolve now: If you ever do get to the point where you feel suicidal, you must put yourself on automatic and go to a hospital no matter what the cost.

Prozac saved my life. It allows me to be me again.

Until you get back on your feet, you might apply for a Social Security disability. Your wife could help you with that. That would also give you access to Medicare which would help you with seeing a doctor. Another possibility is being covered by your wife’s insurance.

Thank God for the woman in your life.

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Hey, Eleusis, how’s it going? Could you check in quick to let us know you’re ok?

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Just an aside, with all the usual medical advice disclaimers intact…

The differences in the side effect profiles of the various SSRIs is almost entirely anecdotal; I know of at least one study of the original “big three” SSRIs (Prozac, Zoloft, Paxil) that showed no significant difference between the meds in terms of the major side effects.

They do, however, vary widely for a single person, and there is no way to predict whether someone will have a particular side effect on a particular med or not. One person may not be able to tolerate one of the meds and do just fine on another. The only way to do it is trial and error.

The bottom line is this–don’t get too caught up in the tales of this SSRI being better for this, and this one having more of this side effect, and all that. There isn’t really any data supporting it.

I hope you do well. These meds have made a lot of people’s lives much more livable.

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Hi niblet_head, I’m fine, thank you.

I did get the scrip for prozac yesterday, I’ve taken two so far. Just knowing I’m trying to do something about it has already brightened my perceived future somewhat. Not placebo affect per se, but you know, there’s hope.

DoctorJ, thanks for the tip. I decided to go with Prozac mainly because when my mother took it, she said it gave her tons of energy. She would wake up and 3am and start vacuuming. I don’t know if the affects of a particular drug run in families or not, and that may sound like a bad side affect to a lot of people, but I could sure use some energy at this point.

Thanks again to everybody.