Peyton Manning’s speech impediment. I mean, it’s not something he can help (I assume), but it sound like he has half a mouthful of saliva in there.
Try cutting all the way around the outside edge with a hand-cranked can opener.
Really.
Dear common cold:
Fuck off. I don’t have time to be sick.
Sincerely,
Me.
I shall. Really. Thank you.
And my rant for today:
Dear eBay Sellers,
Just having flowers on it does not automatically make an item Victorian. And in the name of all that is great and sacred it is absolutely not viCt@RiAn L@@K!!! rArE.
This at college and there are no street lights. As far as I’ve noticed, I’m the only one who turns on the high beams. Last semester somebody hit a deer and I saw several. I have a small car, which JUST got paid off. I don’t want to hit anything, dammit.
No, I think they’re retards all the time. The rain just makes the good drivers stay home.
There’s somebody in my apartment complex who drives a BMW and gets home for lunch at the same time I do. And they have to STOP then coast over the speed bumps. These aren’t killer speed bumps either. They’re normal, well-designed, you can go fucking 25mph over them, dammit. (I know, super mini-rant)
Also, people who stop in their cars to talk to people. While in the car. Blocking the fucking alley or worse, road. Argh, there was an asshole doing that at the bank last week. There’s two banks, not much parking, at it’s always fucking busy and this asshole was stopped in his SUV talking to some pedestrian and blocking the fucking flow of traffic. And I got a dirty look when I went around him. RRRAaaarrghhh! And when I came out of the bank, he was still there. I should’ve yelled at him.
Just saw The Man Who Fell To Earth and goddammit, I want my 2 and half hours back!!
High of -29º C today. Note the “high” part. That means that it is colder than that now, and not due to get much warmer. Did I mention the north wind that puts the windchill at -50ºC? Oh yeah, what would really cold be without a high wind? Have you ever looked out your window and felt sorry for your car out there?
Pray for me - I’m about to go to work. 
Well, my car started - that’s half the battle won. That is one not happy sounding car - groan thumpa thumpa thumpa.
I hope it will sound happier when it warms up, to say, freezing?
The other day I ran into my Driver’s Ed instructor just as he was parking the car and stopped to chat. He was in a foul mood (he wasn’t using four-letter words, which is his normal mode of speech - when he “talks clean,” it means he’s containing himself because the other option involves loaded guns and national TV). The reason was that one of his students had been flunked… for doing just that. Yup. Middle of the freaking driving exam, in the busiest street in town, dude sees a pal, honks, stops the car, pal leaves the sidewalk to move over to the driver’s side of the car (meaning other cars can’t even pass him, the street is wide enough for two cars if you don’t have a pedestrian leaning on a driver’s window) and they chat for some time while the examiner looks more or less like this 
:eek: and the instructor in the back seat feels his soul inching closer and closer to Hell, all the time thinking “no judge would send me to jail, he’s too stupid to let him live.”
Dear People Who May Become My Customers:
I realize it’s been this year for only 28 days. But if you want to start a project in January, you can’t start looking for consultants after Christmas vacation. Specially if you are in a country where those last until after January 6.
I also realize you don’t know how few people with my skills are out there. But even if there were millions of us, if you claim that you need to interview the candidates “urgently, today if they can”, then when said candidates “can”, you should call them today. Tomorrow tops. Three of my six wanna be agents are running after customers who claim it’s urgent to speak with me but who can’t make time for it :smack:
Stop treating IT projects as if they were apartment sales. I have a strong suspicion that the 3 projects I’m being courted for in Bilbao may actually be the same (nobody tells you who the customer is, sometimes until after you’ve signed the contract). Wouldn’t it be lovely if they are and you guys take too long to speak with me and I’ve gone somewhere else? To a project whose manager can be bothered with interviews, say?
If I were on such a jury, I’d vote to acquit!
And again if you choose to improve the gene pool of business persons in your neck of the woods. :smack:
Here’s one: Morons that have no clue how to use Microsoft Word and constantly need help in creating a resume.
Normally, this is not a problem. Word is complicated and I don’t expect anyone to sit down and know exactly how it works.
However, when these people have “Microsoft Office” included in the skills section of their resume and ask me for “help” ten times over a two hour span with the same problem every time (usually margins), I want to fucking scream.
And the worst offenders always want you to help them RIGHT. THIS. VERY. SECOND. Even if I’m talking on the phone. And even if I’m helping someone else in person!
[RIGHT]Help me Justin!
My post is wrongly justified
and I can’t take the time to figure out how to fix it myself.
Justin? Justin![/RIGHT]
You laugh, but that is exactly the kind of question I get.
DIE! DIE! DIE! All of them!
That’s pretty sad - that they know the term “justification” and can’t figure out how to fix it.
Thinking for yourself and trying to figure things out is haaaa-rrrrd.
Just because you’ve let you dog shit a mountain of doo-doo on the street between parked cars and I’ve stepped in it doesn’t mean you pooper-scooped your dog like the law in New York says you have to.
If you don’t want to take the full responsibility of owning a dog and cleaning up after it, then you shouldn’t own one. Would you allow your dog to do this in your living room?
Is that me imposing my viewpoint on what you think are your god-given rights. Yes.
Suck it.
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Stop congregating at exits and entrances. People need to get through you inconsiderate ass(es).
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If you are walking perpendicular to the natural flow of foot traffic, it is your job to say excuse me, fuck face. I’m polite, I promise I’ll stop.
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IF there are two fucking doors at the entrance of your establishment UNLOCK BOTH FUCKING DOORS!!!
May the junior traffic moding assmunch in the windowblinds installation van who was playing amateur traffic cop this morning kindly go fuck himself.
When rush hour traffic was moving through the tightly barricaded construction zone at the posted speed limit and he slid over the center line just as someone tried to pass him on the left, I thought it was a mistake. Maybe he was dialing his cell phone and failed to notice how he almost caused a fucking accident drifting over like that.
When he drifted very suddenly out in front of me as I tried to pass him, and then glared at me while I passed (doing the posted speed limit), I realized he was playing “Thou Shalt Not Pass!”
Who gave you the right to drive recklessly just to regulate the driving habits of those around you?! I can think of at least three easy ways your cocksure behavior could have caused an accident, which I presume you were trying to prevent in forcing us all to crawl along behind your ass.
Please go to hell and rot there, thank you.
Wow. You’re a better person than me. I’d find it hard to remain polite if someone just walked up to me and said, “Excuse me, fuck face.” 