I found no one could help me, but myself,when I was facing such issues. After a lifetime spent earning and spending my own money and ‘pulling my weight’, my life took a sudden and unexpected change and I found myself in circumstances I had never imagined. We bought a house ( holy commitment!) and took on caregiving for a fully bedridden relative in our home.
Just like that I became a dependent, spending someone else’s money and being ‘kept’. This was so very outside of who I am it was almost crippling. I was talking on primary 24 hr care for someone I loved, as well as shifting into producing 3 square, 20 loads of laundry, managing scripts, case managers, and basically being a house frau, a role I previously much disdained.
Now no one in their right mind could ever interpret what I was doing as being kept, or spending someone else’s money, etc. but I struggled and struggled with self esteem because I wasn’t earning money and was dependent, something I had resisted all my life. When I had to buy a gift for my husband, come Christmas, with his money, I was incredibly uncomfortable. By the second Christmas even I could see this was entirely my own doing and only I could change it.
The person you are really trying to justify all this to is yourself, no one else. And no outside hobby or busy work will change it, in my opinion. You need to examine and acknowledge that you are doing this to yourself, and that the approval you are seeking is ultimately your own. I think you could benefit from a little counselling. Not in a deep issues years of therapy way, more in a little outside input to shift you off of where you are stuck. And by counselling I mean to include, pastors, elders, or someone whose opinion you value very highly and you know respects you.
You have my sympathy, this is not an easy thing to get unstuck from, at least it wasn’t for me. Good luck!
I can’t say I know what it’s like, but my Aunt was married, jobless and childless for several years. It really did seem like she was just treading water. She got heavily involved in the garden, started a fitness regimen, became a perfectionist about the house, started cooking from scratch, and treated her dogs like children. Despite all of this she struggled with depression, but my uncle didn’t really want her to work because he enjoyed all the benefits of her free time.
Recently she got involved in a part-time job as a sort of creative artist, and she’s really come to life. She works from home but does craft shows on the weekends. She’s become more social and just generally happier. They are not planning on having children, but something about having that creative growth/achievement opportunity seems to do a lot for her self-esteem and overall well-being.
It may be time to start thinking outside the box. You may not have any professional skills in the formal sense, but maybe there’s something you’ve always loved to do that you could become more involved in. In my experience, creativity yields a lot of fulfillment, so if you have any crafty interests, or can play an instrument or sing or something like that, go for it. You might also look into a religion you’ve always wanted to explore. If you don’t consider yourself particularly spiritual, there are plenty of religions that don’t require believing in a god, and I’m not even saying you have to believe in something - but just learning might help you think about your life satisfaction in a new way.
Speaking for myself, I can barely make it through the weekend without getting all existentially hopeless. Some people don’t require that constant structure and constant feeling of ‘‘doing something’’, but I’m just miserable without something I have to do, as much as I try to avoid it. I would be a mess in your situation.
I think it’s a bit of a grass is always greener sort of thing. People with kids and a SO often pine over their single carefree days while single people complain that they are lonely and can’t find someone. Everyone hates their job but if they lose their job, they can’t enjoy their free time and ultimately end up taking a new job similar to the one they hated. So everyone ends up thinking there’s something “more” out there they are missing out on.
If you enjoyed the challenge of the marathon, there are vistas left unconquered - faster, farther, triathalons, using your training to raise money for Leukemia/Lymphoma research and other programs through Team in Training, etc.
Lots of good suggestions in here so far…
Also, maybe some therapy to explore these issues?
This is what makes me think there are deeper issues here than just feeling a little idle.
For example, most of us work crappy jobs at some point and deal with not being compensated or appreciated for our talents. But most of us are able to focus on the good (friendly coworkers, good coffee, the occasional fun project) while building our skills so we can eventually move ahead. Failing that, it’s not unusual to jump ship for another organization, go back to school, or even put together a full-on career change.
But somehow you are processing these setbacks differently, and the whole thing really got under your skin to the point where it still creates bitterness. Likewise, you feel unmotivated to invest in activities unless they have a specific externally visible outcome. Maybe perfectionism isn’t quite it, but rather a need for external approval.
I don’t think you will find the peace and sense of purpose you are looking for until you find ways to value the process, and the small achievements and personal transformations ahead of you on their own, outside of external assessments. And this seems pretty deep rooted in how you process events. Again, I think what would help you the most is probably not changing what you do, but how you understand what you do and your approach to new things.
Not to harp on the non-profit thing, but starting as a volunteer in a non-profit working with a mission you can get behind can lead to part-time work with that non-profit. If you can afford it, think of it as an unpaid internship working to learn specific skills, then when paying PT work comes up, you will be the first person to have a chance at it. I’ve hired several volunteers to do part-time work when the chance arose. Most smaller non-profits can’t afford to pay people full-time or anything like what they are worth out in the for-profit world, but we need skilled, dedicated people anyway. If you can commit to some regular hours and have any kind of office skills at all, there are probably dozens of places that would love to have you, and the work can be much more varied and rewarding than you have found in your other jobs.
Best part - by starting as a volunteer you have the chance to really get to know whether the organization is one that you are happy working with before any financial commitments are made. You could even sample a number of them before finding the one that fits your needs with theirs.
I find that if you’re seeking the approval of another after you’re over 25yrs, or so, when you peel it all away it’s always your own approval you’re really seeking - in all the wrong places. And none of the approval you get will ever be enough until it comes from yourself.
I think there is a difference between working a crappy job and having your career derailed, perhaps permanently. A lot of people work very hard to prepare for highly competitive or challenging careers. Imagine if you were a new investment banking analyst at Bear Sterns or Lehman in 2008. All of a sudden that position evaporated when the company went bankrupt and the financial crisis pretty much ensured you wouldn’t be able to find a new one.
It can apply to any permanently life altering situation - divorce, death, house destroyed, being forced to move somewhere you don’t want to live. It can be extremely difficult for people to “get over” certain things.
And honestly, “non profit volunteer work” is one of those catch-all quick fix suggestions to existential crisis. Sort of like joining the army is the cure for fuckuptitude. Like handing out soup to homeless people is supposed to give you a new perspective on life or some shit. It isn’t for everyone.