Fun ways to annoy celebrities!

Cafe Society
1

My ideal way to annoy a celebrity would be to identify the project they wish they’d never done and “recognize” them for it, and for nothing else.

There are rules. It can’t be a student film (“A Certain Sacrifice”), or a strictly softcore porn (“Party at Kitty and Stud’s”) that you would not have seen in the course of your normal life had the actors not become stars. Those of you who saw either of those prior to Madonna and Sylvester Stallone becoming stars do not have normal lives. The ruse must be semi-believable.

An example: 2trew is walking through an airport. Off to his left he sees Tom Hanks. He looks, looks again, takes a couple of steps forward, looks again, generally does the starstruck thing and the approaches. “Oh, oh my God, you’re that actor!”

Mr. Hanks, having been in “Saving Private Ryan”, “Castaway”, and a whole bunch of other worthy stuff, begins his “Aw, shucks” routine.

2trew continues flapping and looking like a totally overwhelmed fan who can’t speak yet, then blurts “You’re that guy from ‘Bosom Buddies!’ Oh wow, I can’t believe it! What’s Peter Scolari really like?”

Gush further, get an autograph, ask constantly about the co-star who did have a nice long run on Newhart and would thus be theoretically recognizable, and depart.

A reverse form of this would be to recognize a long term and successful television actor from their brief movie career. Extra points if it’s Lea Thompson and you claim to only have seen her in Howard the Duck.

They’re theoretically rich, they’re pretty sure they’re famous, they’re fair game. How would you annoy a celebrity?

David Hasselhoff is, of course, beyond the scope of this exercise.

2

See Being John Malkovich for further instructions.

3

That’s exactly what I thought.

“You’re that actor, aren’t you? I saw you in that jewel thief movie.”
“I’ve never played a jewel thief.”
“No, I’m sure it was you.”

4

I don’t think “Bosom Buddies” is the best example for Hanks. A lot of people loved that show. It had an incredible cast. I’d recognize him for The Money Pit or his appear on the short-lived TV show starring Tea Leone as a photographer.

If I ever see Andrew Lloyd Webber, I’m gong to gush about his contribution to the revue Hulla Baloo and watch his jaw drop and his eyes fall out. That was a very short lived revue set in a British “loo.” One of the worst musicals of all time. To quote a book I found: This show had contributions by ALW and Tim Rice, something both of them do not want to remember.

I mean, ANYONE can mention “Jeeves.”

If I ever see Stephen King, I will gush about the musical “Carrie,” all time low point for American musical theatre. “What? You’ve written other things?”

5

I am certain that Stallone has nightmares in which somebody comes up to him and says, “Oh, wow! I can’t believe I’m meeting you in real life! Why haven’t you done anything good since Rhinestone?”

6

The current Robin Williams thread reminded me, if I ever see the man, I will gush about “Popeye.” Except he will probably crack up.

7

For Hanks I would go Bachelor Party.
But I did try to get Sarah Michelle Geller to autograph my Sidney doll from Swans Crossings once. She was on Regis and Kathy Lee and me and a friend went over to the studio to see if we could get autographs. A small crowd of about 10 or so people were there. But she didn’t sign any autographs. She had her limo pull into the garage and she didn’t even look out the window at her fans. It kind of turned me off Buffy for a long time.
As for other celebs ask about their embarrassing private lives that were made public.

Hugh Grant blow jobs from hookers.
Meg Ryan ask how Russell is doing.
Various ask about their drug/booze addiction

8

This is so evil. But funny.

9

For Sean Connery, either Highlander or Zardoz.

Highlander 2 doesn’t count, because c’mon, who saw that?

Elijah Wood for North.

I suppose you could also gush to William Shatner about T.J. Hooker, but I don’t know whether he’d be more annoyed or amused.

10

Andie McDowell lives near me when she’s not working. (Asheville, NC) I’ve heard of plenty of Andie sightings, but I never thought it would happen to me.

One day I was waiting for a friend outside Earthfare (Overpriced grocery store where you can buy organic food and free range beef) and I saw a woman returning her cart from the parking lot.

As she approached I started to think that she looked like Andie McDowell, and the closer she came the surer I was that I was correct. I looked around for someone to comment on this to, but there was no one nearby. When I looked back at Ms. McDowell I realized that her path would pass within about 5 feet from me.

I continued to stare in starstruck amazement. To her credit, she at first cheerfully smiled back at me. As I contiued to stare she nervously looked away, and I don’t blame her, because I’d find that a little creepy as well.

So I decided to say something to her as she passed to demonstrate that I wasn’t a twisted psycho. However, having not a lot of time to come up with something witty and charming, I probably would have been better off remaining silent than speaking as I did.

I said, “Loved you in Hudson Hawk.”

11

What ever happened to that guy from Bosom Buddies?

Jodie Foster for That Darned Cat.

12

Lisa Marie Presley - You know your Dad is a much better singer than you are.

13

I was in line (for the safari train at Disney’s Animal Kingdom) RIGHT next to David Ogden Steirs. Instead of “You were great as Winchester!” I really wanted to whisper loudly to my son “Isn’t that J’onn J’onzz from the Justice League movie?*”
*(REEEEEEALLLLLY bad never-released live action “super” hero movie, where DOS, as the Manhunter From Mars, stayed in the shadows for fear of being recognized)
Instead I let him have some privacy.
Which I regret.

14

Hmmm, Louise Fletcher? You were great in Mama Dracula!

15

How about Randy Quaid in Ringo Star’s debut movie Caveman
I think Shelly Long was in it too!

16

Four or five years ago, I was in bar with some friends and Matt LeBlanc was there. He looked really bombed, and apparently wasn’t tipping at all. Our waitress said, “hundred-thousand dollars an episode and the guy can’t spare a buck?”

Later I bumped into him coming out of the bathroom, and I said, “Hey, aren’t you Courtney Cox? You look better on TV.”

He just stared at me blankly, but his friend that was with him laughed. Whenever I see celebrities I’m always tempted to mess with them, but that was the only time I ever actually did it.

17

A buddy of mine was waiting tables and ended up with Jeff Goldbloom(sp?) and some lady he didn’t recoignize. Frend told J.G> he looked familiar. J.G. began spiouting off movies that he had been in, after each one my friend would reply “Nope. Never seen that one.” Really frusterated Jeff. Friend kept it up for a minute or two before confessing that he was a big fan. Ended up with an autograph and a decent tip.

18

Jeff Goldblum? From Vibes? Cool!!

19

“Hey, aren’t you Tom Hanks? You were great in Joe Vs. the Volcano!”

20

In my retail days, I was standing around one day when Bob Newhart walked in for hearing aid batterys. I introduced myself as Larry, and then introduced my manager, Daryll. (His name really was Daryll and had a nametag to prove it!) I then asked him if he ever had the door to his captains cabin returned. He was cool.

Fagjunk Theology: Not just for sodomite propagandists anymore.