When Wilford Brimley is startled, the ponderous cheeks of his mighty face begin to vibratin’, and before he’s done, every chipmunk within 500 meters has exploded.
The phrase “fire and brimstone” was badly translated. It was originally “Wilford Brimley’s farts.”
Wilford Brimley can write the US Constitution on the head of a platypus, with his eyes closed, and without harming the platypus.
If an ordinary human looks through Wilford Brimley’s spectacles, he can see the future. The last man to do that is still confined in a padded room at the Betty Ford Clinic.
If Wilford Brimley and three Chinese people were to jump off a chair at the same time, the city of Benton Harbor would sink beneath Lake Michigan forever.
When Wilford Brimley says you need Liberty Mutual insurance, brother, you need it now.
Wilford Brimley’s only blood relatives (before the 73 illegitimate children that is) were Orville Redenbacher, Colonel Sanders, The Bartles and James guys, and the Pepperridge Farm guy. They were all part of the same litter.
Wilford Brimley was the original choice to play Rob Petrie. However, while filming the opening scene of the first episode, he tripped over the ottoman, broke his back, and was out of action for three months.
Emergency replacement Dick Van Dyke paid homage to “the lucky break” that brought him fame and fortune with the opening sequence in his show.
This world is not real. We exist only in a dream that Wilford Brimley is having after consuming a mildly poisonous mushroom.
Wilford Brimley destroyed all known photographs of himself as a child and vehemently denies that he was ever younger than 26.
Wilford Brimley hibernates 4 months of the year, but never the same 4 months.
Wilford Brimley secretly took over the U.S. government after the attempted assassination of Reagan. A single 2 minute phone call he placed to the Kremlin is what caused the end of the Soviet empire
I once had a dream in which I watched W. B. star in a commercial for some sort of spice scented after-shower powder product. He was wiggle-dancing around a bathroom to the annoying commercial jingle half naked with a towel (thankfully) wrapped around his waist.
Swear to Og.
On-topic…
Every time you masturbate while thinking of W.B., God vomits Quaker™ Oatmeal ala Witches-of-Eastwick-cherry-pits.
Wilford Brimley entered Parkland Memorial Hospital on November 22, 1963, walked as if invisible past an army of reporters, secret servicemen, nurses and doctors, touched the body of President Kennedy and said “Irishman… rise!”. Kennedy rose from the table good as new, hugged his wife and the doctors and said “It’s ah mih-rickle… an absolute mih-rickle… I thought I was a gon-nah!” Brimley smiled and said “Nope, wadn’t your time yet…” then looked at his watch, said “It will be though in about 3…2…1” whereupon Brimley pulled out a .38 and shot the president several times in the head at point blank range while the hundreds of people standing nearby strangely noticed nothing. At that point Brimley calmly walked out of the hospital and said “I always wanted to do somethin’ like that”, walked to the nearest all you can eat waffle shop and after gorging on 84 pecan waffles in heavy syrup walked through a solid brick wall and reappeared in front of thousands of witnesses in Beijing. This is known as “The Brimley Experiment”.
Roswell, NM was the site of a spacecraft shot down by Wilford Brimley “cause I didn’t like it’s shadow”.
Wilford Brimley is the man who claims Clay Aiken hooked up with him in a cheap motel for unsafe sex after meeting him online. Brimley was in the guise of a Green Beret at the time, later shifting into a duplicate of Clay Aiken just to freak Aiken out. He said “That boy pissed his pants and hid behind the curtain for hours! I just sat on the bed and watched an HBO’ ROME marathon and a couple of episodes of Night Court then went home, sold the story to the Enquirer and gave the money to people with diabeetis and some topless Filipina gals in a bar. Next weekend I’m gonna go out in the guise of a teenaged Mexican day laborer.”
In all instances, the plan is “Beg him for merciful terms”.
Wilford Brimley is the leading cause of abortions in the United States, Canada and Laos.
The oldest surviving film footage ever made in Siberia was made of Brimley, looking exactly as he does now, dancing naked in the forests flattened during the Tunguska Event.
Wilford Brimley once shot a man just for snoring too loud. The man was Merriwether Lewis of the Lewis & Clark expedition.
When Wilford Brimley walks the streets of Muslim countries the people drop what they are doing, fall to their knees and cry “Madhi! Mahdi!” (or “Muad D’ib! Muad D’ib!”- hard to tell).
Wilford Brimley’s was once seen transfigured between Elijah and Moses at his favorite Indian restaurant (THE SITAR in Ft. Walton, FL). Towards the end of the event Brimley punched Moses in the stomach, saying that he owed him money for a 1953 De Soto.
Wilford Brimley’s favorite hobby from 1968 through 1984 was following Rosa Parks around on public transportation, jumping onto any seat she was about to take and saying “sorry, you’ll have to keep standing!” This led to hate crime legislation.
Wilford Brimley built Macchu Picchu as a real estate investment (it was an early experiment in capitalizing on mountain tourism). When he was evicted from the country during a revolution he returned with his then best bud Francisco Pizarro and said to the Incan leaders “Say hello to my leetle freend!” They did not catch the reference. Brimley still wears a lifesized set of golden hands and forearms from the plunder of the Incan treasure as a necklace.
Wilford Brimley was born (most recently) in the wagon of a travelling show going down Highway 41 on a cold and grey Chicago morning that the sun didn’t shine and for loving you baby, thus inspiring several great songs on his first day of (his most recent) life.
Though omnilingual, Wilford Brimley’s language of choice is the Pakuni dialect from the original Land of the Lost.
Apocalypse Now was based not on Heart of Darkness as often believed but an actual Vietnamese war incident in which Wilford Brimley briefly carved out a fiefdom for himself that comprised most of what are now Cambodia and western Vietnam. When 90,000 troops who went in after him were never seen again (and disappeared from the records of the U.S. military) Nixon authorized a nuclear missile to take him out. The missile was dropped and simply vanished into thin air. That night Nixon crawled into bed, noticed something metallic, pulled back the cover and screamed- the missile was in his bed, filled not with radioactive materials but with Quaker Oats (a jab at Nixon’s Quaker heritage and Brimley’s future employer) and three hours of film footage of Brimley having sex with both of Nixon’s daughters. Nixon immediately ordered the Washington Post to fake the exposure of a coverup so that he could resign the White House without having to admit what had happened.
Wilford Brimley’s navel can hold and power a 100 watt light bulb.
Strands from Wilford Brimley’s mustache were used in the construction of 2 rifle scope cross hairs, and the scopes themselves were in turn attached to two ordinary broomsticks. Simply sighting through the scope at someone will cause them to turn completely inside out, instantaneously, at a distance of over a half mile. Both of these weapons are stored in a lead lined vault under the pentagon.
There is an ancient lost style of kung fu known only to a few aged Shaolin monks known as “恼怒的髭”, or “Angry Mustache”. It’s thought to have originated when an unarmed Wilford Brimley assisted the Kokes Manchus in the fall of the Ming Dynasty.
Wilford Brimley contains the world’s 4th largest silver mine, which was accidentally discovered during a routine prostate exam.
Wilford Brimley is no longer allowed entry into South Korea, for several reasons.
Wilford Brimley can breed only once every seventeen years, but when he does breed it lasts for seven days and he ejaculates approximately one gallon of semen per hour during the breeding week.
Wilford Brimley’s name is mentioned sixty-seven times in the Kyoto Accord, but in order to protect his privacy he is referred to as “sir lemon drop” within the text.
Wilford Brimley is the originator of the crunk movement and cites Clarence Carter as his greatest musical influence.
Wilford Brimley’s wallet contains a nude picture of David Hasselhoff.
For several years, Cinco de Mayo was immediately followed by a second day of more significant drunken debauchery known as Seises de Brimley. The activity was discontinued when Wilford took all of the fun out of it by drinking more than everyone combined and, instead of becoming incredibly drunk, merely becoming incredibly depressing by singing Oh Danny Boy over and over.
Wilford Brimley was born with a prehensile tail, and for years was regarded as the definitive link between man and his simian ancestry. Unfortunately, the Piltdown Man stole his thunder and he was never able to get it back no matter how much he wagged it.
Regardless of the restaurant he patronizes, Wilford Brimley orders every meal in Esperanto.
To the Hoopi Indians, the words Wilford Brimley were once considered the worst insult imaginable, punishable by having one’s head lodged in a buffalo’s sphinchter for a week.
During his stint as spokeman for Quaker Oatmeal, Kraft Foods attempted to woo him away from the cereal giant by offering to rename one of their products “Cream of Wilford Brimley.” They had gone as far as storyboarding a potential ad spot that featured Wilford promoting the cereal with the new slogan, “Eat me.” Wilford declined, stating that he just didn’t feel his audience would think him creamy enough.
Wilford Brimley auditioned for and was originally cast in the role of Thomas Magnum on TV’s Magnum P.I. but was cut shortly before the pilot was to begin filming when it was learned that his mustache frightened Higgins’ Doberman Pincers.
