Fun Wilford Brimley Facts!

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
81

Brimley served three tours in Vietnam, one of them offically and one of them possibly as USO showgirl.

It is best to make a noise such as a cough or sneeze when approachig him from the left side to avoid startleing him.

His Liberty Mutaul policy is a paltery 15,000$ limit due to his diabetyes and is part of a total paid cmpensation package, is non negotiable not subject to accuable interests and his payments will not go up or down.

Lost original job of Ronald McDonald to Wilard Scott , the Iconic Today Show weatherman.

Was Pres. Taft’s press secretary.
Scientists speculate if he lives to age 92 may be able to live forever, but paying his retirement benifits would cause economic collapse by 2018.

82

Wilford Brimley is not a member of the AARP, and, in fact, cannot qualify for such membership.

Wilford Brimley was ejected from the Universal Esperanto Association for ordering too many meals at the Association cafeteria, but not paying for them.

Three species of beetles and one asteroid have been named after Wilford Brimley.

Ford once named a special edition of the F-150 after Wilford Brimley. It was right-hand drive and was sold only in Australia, where it was a flop.

83

Wilford Brimley is the walrus.

84

In 1978, Wilford Brimley visited the National Zoo in Washington DC and stopped in front of the panda enclosure. Bowing his head for a moment he looked up after several deep breaths and clapped his hands, softly, just once. Immediately the pandas fell upon one another in a mindless display of frenzied mating. Hours later, one of the panda’s dropped dead of exhaustion. Reached later for a comment, Wilford said “Yeah, it figures.”

85

Wilford Brimley is actually a species of Sentient Oatmeal Creature

Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Wilford Brimley

Wilford Brimley is made entirely of antimatter, it is only his innate magnetic field that prevents him from annihilating the entire planet

Wilford Brimley invented the comma

We are all figments of Wilford Brimley’s imagination

Wilford Brimley has 42 alternate personalities, all of which are Wilford Brimley

Wilford Brimley’s middle name is “Bending” "Wilford “Bending” Brimley

the only thing known to repel Wilford Brimley is NummymuffinCoolcoolbutter

Wilford Brimley must feed on the blood of vampires to survive

86

The state flag of North Wilford Brimley is a wheat stalk surrounded by pumpkins on a lavender background.

Wilford Brimley refers to himself only in the third person, and to everyone else in the first.

Wilford Brimley was arrested in Baltimore, MD for indecent exposure in 1997. By way of explanation, Wilford claimed that his cats had colluded to control his mind in order to publicly humiliate him in retaliation for not cleaning their litter box the night before. The authorities were unable to prove otherwise, and did find a full litterbox in his home, so the charges were dropped.

Wilford Brimley posed for a six-page spread in a 1977 issue of Playgirl Magazine.

Wilford Brimley is only 100 calories per 200g serving and contains no trans-fats, but he refuses to be served with anything but sweet potato pie and chitlins.

Wilford Brimley provides his own described video narration, even when in person.

During a drug scare in 1986, US congress passed a bill that made Wilford Brimley a controlled substance, but quickly repealed the law when it was discovered that he simply had an innate ability to chill people out.

A prize fight was scheduled in 2003 pitting Wilford Brimley against Lennox Lewis. Lewis ultimately cancelled, remarking “Dude got an impenetrable mustache, man! How you expect me to fight that?”

Primatologist Jane Goodall was initially attracted to her craft after extensively studying Wilford Brimley. She was unable to draw any conclusions as to his behaviour or mannerisms, and shifted her focus to apes as a result. “At least they make sense,” she once said.

Wilford Brimley has discovered ten of the eleven herbs and spices in the Colonel’s secret recipe. His attempts to discover the final piece of the puzzle have thus far been met with armed hostility by Navy SEALs, ninjas, and an army of Colonel Sanders’ genetic clones. Brimley claims he can deal with the SEALs and the ninjas, but the clone army has him at an impasse. For now…

87

He’s got a rather “interesting” video for sale. (Scroll down the thread a bit.)

88

The dark is afraid of Wilford Brimley.

4 out of 5 dentists agree that Wilford Brimley is the messiah. You don’t want to know what happened to the fifth dentist.

Wilford Brimley feels no remorse and has no regrets.

When Santa Claus suffered a triple bypass he asked Wilford Brimley to fill in for him. Wilford refused, because he hates all the children of the world. It was still the best Christmas ever.

Isaac Parker sentenced Wilford Brimley “To be hanged from the neck until he gets bored”. He wasn’t bored for 7 and one half weeks.

Wilford Brimley only lets one man trim his moustache. That man? Jimmy Hoffa.

Wilford Brimley invented the BLT. He no longer eats them because of concerns over his cholesterol. The effect this has had on pork futures is immeasurable.

Wilford Brimley wakes every morning with a song in his heart. He dare not sing it lest he end all life on earth.

Wilford Brimley insists he’s a peaceful man, and will kill anyone who says differently.

Wilford Brimley made the Lambada the forbidden dance.

There is no justice in the world. Only Wilford Brimley.

89

Wilford Brimley was so pleased to be chosen as the Grape-Nuts spokesperson, that he has dyed his testicles purple.

Wlford Brimley invented anesthesia. He used to beat hospital patients senseless as a hobby.

Wilford Brimley starred in a 2004 adult film with Estelle Getty. The UN, fearing a world wide population explosion related to the steaminess of the film, bought all copies and it has never been shown anywhere.

Sgt Schwartz

90

Wilford Brimley was Einstein’s last living hair stylist.

91

While lots of people are familiar with Oysters Rockefeller, not so many know of the delicacy known as Oysters Brimley. Created in an old New Orleans dive after Wilford ordered them, they are a rare treat indeed. They consist of 3 dozen raw oysters, unshucked, still dripping with sea water. The whole oyster is shoved in the mouth and crushed about by the teeth. As a garnish, you then drink a pint glass filled to the brim with hot microwaved gin, and Quaker brand instant Maple Brown Sugar oatmeal. The whole ritual is repeated for each oyster. Wilford Brimley was known to consume upwards of 4 or more orders at a sitting, before retiring to the bathroom to pass out in a sopping wet mess. Not to be missed by any serious gourmand.

92

Wilford Brimley once liberated a POW encampment of Chang Kai-Shek loyalists from Mao’s Red forces. In retribution, he gave Mao that haircut.

During the Cold War, the Soviets had the hydrogen bomb. We had Wilford Brimley.

Whales don’t sing. They praise Wilford Brimley.

Tripler
This one time at band camp? There was Wilford Brimley.

93

Wilford Brimley is a homicidal killer who also lies about his blood sugar levels.

The customs laws of Saudi Arabia prohibit the import of any item or person that has ever been touched or looked at by Wilford Brimley. This is for the Saudi peoples’ protection.

94

For more than 25 years it was said by conspiracy theorists and the relatives of the victims alike that the transcripts of the Jonestown Massacre (the transcription of the tape recorded last hours) were heavily edited. Much of this centered around the enigmatic references to removing “Dwyer” from the compound, a man identified by some as a CIA operative with a major role in developing the Jonestown encampment to be as much a CIA facility as cult compound and the real reason that Congressman Leo Ryan was killed (again, according to conspiracists).

Finally, after hundreds of lawsuits and ACLU and other agencies filing claims under the Freedom of Information Act and the influence of then president Jimmy Carter and George Bush, Sr. (former head of CIA operations), the actual unedited transcripts have finally been released. They do not show CIA involvement, but nevertheless they’re more horrifying than anybody would have thought.

95

THE UNEDITED JONESTOWN MASSACRE TRANSCRIPTS

JIM JONES: How very much I’ve tried my best to give you a good life. But in spite of all of my trying a handful of our people, with their lies, have made our lives impossible. There’s no way to detach ourselves from what’s happened today.

WILFORD BRIMLEY: Yep, moved their asses to a jungle and locked you in boxes. Can’t say he didn’t try. Bunch of nutlogs. Anybody seen my English to Siamese dictionary?

**JIM JONES:**Anybody. Anyone. Anyone that has any dissenting opinion, please speak. Yes. (Inaudible.) You can have an opportunity, but if the children are left, we’re going to have them butchered.

CHRISTINE MILLER: Is it too late for Russia?
**
JONES: **Here’s why it’s too late for Russia. They killed. They started to kill. That’s why it makes it too late for Russia. Otherwise I’d say, yes, sir, you bet your life. But it’s too late. …

**MILLER: **Well, I say let’s make an airlift to Russia. That’s what I say. I don’t think nothing is impossible if you believe it.

JONES: How are we going to do that? How are you going to airlift to Russia?

BRIMLEY: Hell, that Russian airplane food would kill ya more painfully than this Flavor Aid. Hell, I remember one time I was flying in to Novgorod and
**
MILLER: **Shut up Mr. Wilford! Well, I thought they said if we got in an emergency, they gave you a code to let them know.

**JONES: **Christine; it’s not–it’s just not worth living like this. Not worth living like this. (Applause.)

**MILLER: **I think that there were too few who left for twelve hundred people to give them their lives for those people that left.

JONES: Do you know how many left?

MILLER: Oh, twenty-odd. That’s a small …

JONES: Twenty-odd, twenty-odd.

**BRIMLEY: **Odd… you sure hell got that part right. Oddest damned folks I ever seen. Hurry up with that Kool Aid I’m sweatin’!

JONES: … That plane’ll come out of the air. There’s no way you can fly a plane without a pilot.

BRIMLEY: Well, maybe 'member you can always use that seat for a flotation device. Now I remember I was with Howard Hughes flying over the Utah desert…

**MILLER: **I wasn’t speaking about that plane. I was speaking about a plane for us to go to Russia.

BRIMLEY:…told him 'I thought ‘YOU’ had your June '65 urine jars…

**JONES: **How … to Russia ? Russia’s not gonna want us with all this stigma? We had some value, but now we don’t have any value.

BRIMLEY: and we sure as hell don’t have room for Ava Gardner and her damn poodle…

MILLER: Well, I don’t see it like that. I mean, I feel like that–as long as there’s life, there’s hope. That’s my faith.

BRIMLEY:…and never found out they was all filled with Tang!

**JONES: **I have twelve hundred people’s lives in my hands…

BRIMLEY: (singing) He’s got 1200 people’s lives, in his hands, he’s got 1200 people’s lives, in his hand, he’s got 1200 people’s lives in his hands. Everybody! If one of them people should drink poisoned Kool Aid and die in this land, he’d have eleven hundred and ninety nine people’s lives in his hands. Something’s wrong with this damned song… and it’s stuck in my head now anyway!

JONES: and I certainly don’t want your life in my hands. I’m going to tell you, Christine, without me, life has no meaning. (Applause.) I’m the best thing you’ll ever have.

**MILLER: **When you–when you–when we destroy ourselves, we’re defeated. We let them, the enemies, defeat us.

JONES: Did you see–did you see, “I will fight no more forever?” http://imdb.com/title/tt0073138/

MILLER: Yes, I saw that.

BRIMLEY: So did I, but you wanna see a good Injun movie, check out that LITTLE BIG MAN. That was one hell of a picture…

JONES: Did you not have some sense of pride and victory in that man?

BRIMLEY: I loved me that Chief Dan George, and he was funny as hell in Harry and Tonto up there with old Ed Norton from the Gleason show.

MILLER: Well I think where they made their mistake is when they stopped to rest. If they had gone on they would’ve made it. But they stopped to rest.

BRIMLEY: My mama used to say, why didn’t the dog catch the monkey? Cause he had to stop and shit! Heh heh… speakin’ of, you fixin’ to use that cyanide bucket for anything? Good, I’m gonna take it over here into these whatever the hell they are vines. I hope that Kool-Aid’s ready when I come back.

[LONG BRIMLEY FREE SECTION]

BRIMLEY: I’m back. That wadn’t a loaf I dropped, that was a damned wheat field, heh heh… Kool-Aid ready?

JONES: All of you, Lay down your burden. I’m gonna lay down my burden. Down by the riverside.

BRIMLEY: (singing)"…down by the riverside, down by the riverside, gonna lay down my…’ Rev, you’re getting these songs stuck in my head on purpose!

JONES: … But when they start parachuting out of the air, they’ll shoot some of our innocent babies. I’m not lying–I don’t wanna (inaudible). But … I’m not letting them take your child. Can you let them take your child?

BRIMLEY: Alright, what’d I miss?

VOICES: No, no, no, no.

JONES: I want to see (voices shouting) … please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please…

BRIMLEY: (singing) Please please me, whoa yeah, like I please you. Goddamn it Rev, stop that! Gettin’ these things stuck in my head. Ever tell you 'bout the time I opened for the Beatles?

JONES:Who walked out of here today? …there’s no point to this. We are born before our time…

BRIMLEY: Just like that Enik, that turtle-looking fellow, whatever he was, on that show with the talking monkeys and the dinosaurs and that girl reminds me of a little Ellie Mae…

]ONES: Say. Say. Say peace. Say Peace. Say Peace. Say Peace…

BRIMLEY: Say, say, say, what you like but don’t play games with my affection… Oh alright, you are so doin’ this on purpose!

WOMAN 7: Some of the others who endure long enough in a safe place could write about the goodness of Jim Jones.

JONES: I don’t know how in the world they’re ever going to write about us. It’s just too late. It’s too late. The congressman’s dead. The congressman lays dead. Many of our traitors are dead. They’re all layin’ out there dead. (Inaudible.)

JONES: I didn’t, but my people did. My people did. They’re my people, and they’ve been provoked too much. They’ve been provoked too much. What’s happened here’s been since Tuesday’s been an act of provocation.

WOMAN 9: Thank you for everything. You are the only. You are the only. And I appreciate you. (Applause.)

JONES: Please, can we hasten? Can we hasten with that medication? You don’t know what you’ve done. I tried. (Applause, music, singing.) They saw it happen and ran into the bush and dropped the machine guns. I never in my life. 22 But not any more. But we’ve got to move. Are you gonna get that medication here? You’ve got to move. Marceline,23 about forty minutes.

]ONES: (Inaudible.) It’s the only way to step. That choice is not ours now. It’s out of our hands. (Children crying in the background.)

[large Brimley Free Section]

JONES: Death is–I tell you, I don’t care how many screams you hear. I don’t care how many anguished cries. Death is a million times preferable to ten more days of this life.

BRIMLEY: Well, if the heat breaks it’ll be okay. And they’re having Bingo and a movie night over in the mission in the town tonight.

JONES: If you knew what was ahead of you–if you knew what was ahead of you, you’d be glad to be stepping over tonight.

BRIMLEY: Well I’m probably one up on y’all since I can remember the future as well as the past, but for me it ain’t that bad. Couple of TV shows, some big roles in big movies, endorsement deal. Y’all are gonna miss New Coke but don’t worry about that. I’d rather have this here Alpaca Piss Flavor Aid with the Cy’nide in it. .

JONES: No, no sorrow–that it’s all over. I’m glad it’s over. Hurry, hurry my children. Hurry. All I think (inaudible) from the hands of the enemy. Hurry, my children. Hurry. There are seniors out here that I’m concerned about. Hurry. I don’t want to leave my seniors to this mess. Only quickly, quickly, quickly, quickly, quickly… Good knowing you. --------

JONES: Remember the Oliver woman said she–she’d come over and kill me if her son wouldn’t stop her? These, these are the people–the peddlers of hate.

BRIMLEY: That reminds me, stop me if you heard this one… there’s this travellin’ peddler going through Iowa, stops at this farmhouse, man has eight daughters…[Inaudible] …says ‘don’t stop til it gets two gallons!’

JONES: (Clapping-- not applause.) Stop this, stop this, stop this. Stop this crying, all of you.

BRIMLEY: Can’t blame 'em for laughing til they cry! It was a good joke! ‘Don’t stop til it gets two gallons!’

JONES: All they do is taking a drink. They take it to go to sleep. That’s what death is, sleep.

BRIMLEY: Yeah, but the next day you got worse morning breath than usual. Heh heh heh! Y’all hear what I just said?

JONES: Where’s the vat, the vat, the vat? Where’s the vat with the Green C on it? The vat with the Green C in. Bring it so the adults can begin.

BRIMLEY: Don’t look at me, I thought you had it! Shit Jim, this here’s a tiny compound in a jungle, how many places can you put it a vat with a big Green C. There it is!

WOMAN 16: Go on unto the sing, and thank you Dad.

BRIMLEY: Hell, that didn’t even make good nonsense, Woman 16. Hurry up with that Kool-Aid, I’m thirsty. I sure hope it’s Mountain Berry.

JONES: (Inaudible .) … They set an example for others. We said --one thousand people who said, we don’t like the way the world is.

VOICE: Take some.

BRIMLEY: Don’t mind if I do…

JONES: Take our life from us. We laid it down. We got tired.

BRIMLEY: (spewing sounds) What is this stuff? Alpaca piss? This stuff ain’t Kool-Aid it’s Flavor-Aid! Dammit Daddy Jimbo, I know for a fact you’ve got about $9 million just buried under your bed in garbage bags, you couldn’t spring the extra six cents for Kool-Aid!?

JONES: Take our life from us. We laid it down. We got tired. We didn’t commit suicide, we committed an act of revolutionary suicide protesting the conditions of an inhumane world.

WB: Well, suicide, revolutionary suicide, potato potahto really. [singing] You say potayta and I say potahta/you say tomayter and I say tomahta…

JONES: The members of the Peoples Temple were not the only ones with this ambiguous nature. The Concerned Relatives who sought to destroy the organization used some of the very methods of propaganda that they criticized the Peoples Temple for…

BRIMLEY: Hell. Now I got that damned song stuck in my head.

JONES: They were worried and at a loss as to why their family members would join such a group. They were willing to step beyond the law if necessary to rescue their loved ones who must have been brainwashed. It seems possible that the love the Concerned Relatives had for their families may have clouded their judgment and would not allow for the possibility

BRIMLEY: I gotta say, even though it’s Flavor-Aid and filled with cyanide, put a little pack of Sweet’n’Low in it and it’s still better than Crystal Lite. Not so bad if you get used to it- barkeep, a refill. This time don’t be so stingy with the cyanide.
JONES: No. You’re not going. You’re not going. You’re not going. I can’t live that way. I cannot live that way. I’ve lived with–for all. I’ll die for all. (Applause.)

BRIMLEY: Gives it a sort of almondy flavor. Ain’t it funny how cyanide just don’t work on some folks? Me and my buddy Greg Rasputin used to play this shooter game for money back when we was sophomores at Tunguska Community College, get these freshmen to come in and…[inaudible]

JONES: And the Eskimos, they take death in their stride.

BRIMLEY: Hell, if my woman used walrus fat for a douche I’d take death in stride too! I remember this Eskimo gal Regis Philbin and me was doin’ one time… [inaudible]

JONES: Adults, adults, adults. I call on you to stop this nonsense…

BRIMLEY: That’s exactly what she said! We just gave her the six dollars and left!

[ANOTHER LONG SECTION WITH JUST JONES AND VARIOUS FOLLOWERS, THEN…]

BRIMLEY: Damn, some folks can’t hold their cy’nide can they? Gimme some more Kool Aid- sorry, Flavor Aid there shug. That reminds me, y’all ever look at that TV show GOOD TIMES where JJ says he likes Kool Aid & Grits casserole! That tickled me. Like when he said Dynamite.

JONES: I, with respect, die with a degree of dignity.

BRIMLEY: Oh damn is he still blatherin’ on…

JONES: Lay down your life with dignity. Don’t lay down with tears and agony. There’s nothing to death. It’s like Mac said, it’s just stepping over to another plane. Don’t be this way.

BRIMLEY: Wonder how that would taste. Hey, anybody got any grits? Should be in the big vat with a big green G. That’s a G. Like in grits.

[UNKNOWN VOICE with Southern accent]I hear somebody say something about a Kool-Aid grits casserole? Man, I ain’t had one of them since I left Memphis…

JONES: Get Dwyer out of here before something happens to him.

BRIMLEY: Goddamn it Elvis! I mean, Dwyer! Get your hillbilly ass back in that hut or you’re fixing to be as dead as you want folks to think you are!

96

(CONT’D)

JONES: Dwyer. I’m not talking about Ujara. I said Dwyer.

BRIMLEY: Hell, Jimbo’s making even less sense than usual. Reverend Jimboy! Ujara was on that Star Trek show, good lookin’ black woman, made out with the captain that time!

JONES:I’m not lettin’ em take Ujara. It’s easy, it’s easy… (Inaudible.)

BRIMLEY: Ujara’s at a damned Star Trek convention or something, quit talking like a fool. I need another Sweet’n’Low.

“DWYER”: Well that Ujara was one good lookin’ woman. Wore that red miniskirt came up almost to her…

BRIMLEY: Damn it Elvis… I mean Dwyer, get the hell back in that hut! One black haired sunglass wearing pill popping pussyhound hillbilly Holyroller talking like a fool at a time is enough!

“DWYER”: Well I’m tired of settin’ round that little cabin all day, not even any shag carpeting on the ceiling. I want some of that Kool Aid and Grits casserole! Hey, who here wants to earn a quick Cadillac? First person brings me some casserole and peanut butter and a piece of chicken covered in some fig jelly and chili gets one!

WOMAN 5: It just broke my heart completely. All of this year the white people had been with us, and they’re not a part of us. So we might as well end it now because I don’t see …

“DWYER”: Hey darlin’, if you’re talkin’ bout me I want you to know I never said that damned thang about buyin’ my records and shinin’ my shoes, that’s something…

BRIMLEY: Presley! Dwyer! Yeah, uh…Presley Aaron Dwyer… Jr…. I’m talking to you! Get your fat sweaty rhinestone jumpsuit covered hillbilly ass back in that hut or I’ll call up Colonel Tom and tell him where you are and he’ll be here 'fore I hang up the damned phone!

]ONES: Say. Say. Say peace. Say Peace. Say Peace. Say Peace…

BRIMLEY: Say say say what you want but don’t play games with my affection…’ You are so totally doing this shit on purpose Daddy Jimbo! Now don’t say you aren’t!

WOMAN 4: Everybody be quiet, please.

BRIMLEY: Shut up woman! I want your opinion I’ll give it to you…

JONES: They know. ( Groan.) I tried so very, very hard. They’re trying over here to see what’s going to happen (inaudible). Who is it? (Voices)

JONES: They followed us six thousand miles away. Red Brigade showed them justice. The congressman’s dead. (Music only.)

BRIMLEY: Came back from the runway and they said/The Congressman is up there dead/Look what a mess Daddy Jim has made/And it was all due… to the Red Brigade!’ Heh heh…you’re baiting me Jimbo! At least it chased that potayto potahto song out…

JONES: Let’s make our peace. And those who had a right to go, and they had a right to–How many are dead? Aw, God Almighty, God. Huh? Patty Parks is dead?

JONES: The world (inaudible) suffers violence, and the violent shall take it by force. If we can’t live in peace, then let’s die in peace. (Applause.) We’ve been so betrayed. We have been so terribly betrayed. (Music) But we’ve tried and as (inaudible) … if this only works one day it was worthwhile. (Applause.) Thank you. (Applause)

BRIMLEY: Does that nutlog think folks don’t see him hitting the button on that recorded applause machine? Hell I brought him that thing myself. Stole it out of the sound studio from the Groucho Marx Betcha Life radio show.

JONES: What’s with being so bewildered with many, many pressures on my brain, seeing all these people behave so treasonous–there was too much for me to put together, but I now know what he was telling me. And it’ll happen. If the plane gets in the air even. 2

BRIMLEY: Were you here the other day when he was blathering on about how when the Congressman came here he wasn’t gonna let him go back and spread lies so the president could send mercenaries to bayonet the babies and then he hit the wrong button and got the laugh track instead of the applause? I thought I was gonna laugh my ass off, only I wasn’t canned laughter!

JONES: So my opinion is that you be kind to children and be kind to seniors and take the potion like they used to take in ancient Greece and step over quietly because we are not committing suicide; it’s a revolutionary act. We can’t go back; they won’t leave us alone. They’re now going back to tell more lies, which means more congressmen. And there’s no way, no way we can survive. We cannot survive.

BRIMLEY: At first I was afraid/I was petrified/kept thinkin’ I can never live/with Flavor Aid cyanide…" Jimbo Jonesy boy you are killin’ me by puttin’ these songs in my head! You’re a crazy drugged up power mad sumbitch, but you are fun!

BRIMLEY: How very much I’ve tried my best to give you a good life. But in spite of all of my trying a handful of our people, with their lies, have made our lives impossible. There’s no way to detach ourselves from what’s happened today…

BRIMLEY: You know if I was you, I’d lay them dyin’ bodies out by size, big ones on the little ones, but here’s the important part…

JONES: Cross to the other side of the river, and we’ll meet in Zion, we’ll see each other on the other side…

BRIMLEY: and I ain’t telling you your bidness, but if you was to put 'em east west that’s what a Chinee man I worked with called fung shuey for happiness and prosperity and

JONES: Make him shut up… I can’t take it any more…

BRIMLEY: God knows you need some of that fung shuey around here even if it is heathen Chinee! And…

JONES: My God I’m having a moment of clarity… what the fuck have I done? He finally drove me totally crazy! Somebody kill Brimley before it’s too late! SOMEBODY KILL BRIMLEY! SOMEBODY KILL MOTHERFUCKING BRIMLEY! HE’S THE DEVIL!

BRIMLEY: Hey! Hey! Now I’ll put up with a lot. I come here and I sweat like a whore at prayer meetin’ in this jungle and can’t sleep for all the mosquitoes and jungle birds and hearing people tortured and shit, but I didn’t whine! You wanna go around leading your followers around the world and brainwashing 'em and torturing ‘em and robbin’ ‘em blind and tellin’ ‘em you’re Jesus and having them all commit suicide with a bunch of goddamned BIG LOTS knock off Kool-Aid ain’t even Mountain Berry and killin’ a United States Congressman well that’s all your right as an American, you got freedom of religion, but one thing I will not put up with on my vacation is a damned potty mouth pill popping preacher!
[GUNSHOT- SOUND OF HEAD HITTING BOX- SOUND OF “My name is Captain Spalding” theme playing]

“DWYER”: What the hell’s goin’ on out here? What’s all these dead bodies?

BRIMLEY: I told you to g… well, reckon ain’t no problem if anybody sees you now. Hey, geurilla boy! You missed some over there in those bushes… there they go…

[shooting sounds]

Dope head but not a bad sight. Might as well stay outside, Mr… Dwyer… heh heh.

DWYER: Hey look here, some Kool Aid…

BRIMLEY: Don’t drink that. It’s loaded with cyanide and it’s Flavor Aid.

DWYER: Flavor Aid? He’s a cheap ass holyroller isn’t he? I wouldn’t give that piss to my grandmama’s cat!

BRIMLEY: Well, help me look through these bodies for a pack of Sweet’n’Low… (sings) say say say what you like but don’t play games with my affect… is that holy roller son of a bitch recording this? Hell, you take this one El… Dwyer. That box ain’t much littler than a TV set…

[GUNSHOT- END OF TAPE]

97

Sampiro, that was just amazingly brilliant: the juxtaposition of Wilford and Jim Jones is unimaginable except in your versatile imagination.

A liitle known fact; Wilford Brimley has a clause in his will that leaves his beloved mustache to one “Sampiro”, to be plucked hair by hair to create a stylus that said party will then write his first book, in longhand. Brimley, with his folksey style, left this crusty message upon passing to “Sampiro”: “Check my mustache, and check it often.”

98

Sampiro, I bow to you.

99

………Wow………I submit. This thread can die off now, there’s no way anybody can come close to touching that. Pure genius, Sampiro!

100

Sweet Jesus! I damn near choked on my oatmeal reading that!

Sampiro, I humbly bow to you.

Tripler
I’m going to call Liberty Medical, to see if they have any prostration mats.